Harry Potter and the Technicolor Dream Phoenix
by Percydude
Summary: Harry Potter is a boy...a normal boy...a happy boy...a loving boy...a pansy boy...a man boy...a cactus...but what happens when this cactus of a boy grows up, and some other stuff. Ok, none of that had anything to do with my story...it's mostly about juice
1. Everybody knows your name

**Disclaimer: **JK Rowling is the goddess of LIFE! LIFE I TELL YOU! And she also owns all this shtuff. So yeah, go unoriginal me!

**Rating: **PG, but I'm thinking I might change it to PG-13, cause it's so insane it might blow yer head off. And there's some mild swearing...GO NEVILLE!

**Summary: **Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy goes out for pizza. And...that's about it actually.

**Author's Notes:** There are a few special things I would like to say before we begin. 

1) Candy cane

2) Radish

3) Who's afraid of the big bad wolf

4) If you feel the need to pee in a bush, don't wear white socks. 

And that's it for the words of wisdom.

I would also like to thank Rhysenn (Cheryl) For being a great friend AND giving me lots of help on this story! You rock monkey bone! And you are a writing genius! I bow at your feet oh pink one! Lol

And Nicola...for just, well, being Nicola! Lol! Love you! *heart heart* Lol

And Draco, for being a MORON in shorts, jean shorts. You loser. Goooooo Cliars!

And Ribbon. Will we ever agree on anything? I think NOT! Which is the beauty of our friendship. Lmao! And I STILL think you COMPLETELY cheated on that death word game! You stole my word!

And thankyou to Blackcat for all the help you've given me! If it wasn't for you I would have NO idea what the heck I was doing when it came to this site! 

And others. Thankyou to others. Because without others, you would have no, uh, non-others, yeah.

**Chapter One**

Magic. Everyone always wonders, "Is it real?" Do people actually have the ability to pull rabbits out of their hats? Some people have the talent to pull their heads out of their asses in time to make stupid comments so anything is possible. Of course, no one has the ability to do magic right away. It's an art that must be learned, formed and sculpted....like art...Anyhow, unless you get an owl dropping letters into your mailbox and leaving pellets on your lawn, you won't have a chance. The letter isn't just a letter though. It's an invite to one of the best magic schools. Hogwarts.

To the eyes of any student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, save Hermione Granger, the place is perfectly normal magical school. Well, as normal as a school filled with a bunch of kids who can probably burn down the empire state building with a piece of wood can be. But to the eyes of outsiders, it could be considered the equivalent of a mental institution in the middle of the desert during a rainstorm. Why I added the desert/rainstorm analogy I don't know…could've done without it...but oh well. As I was saying ...to any outsider, this school is a madhouse.

On this lovely September morning, a lone figure could be spotted making his way down one of the many long corridors of the school, looking all innocent and angelic in an innocent and angelic kinda way. His one defining feature, a lightning bolt shaped scar, proudly stood out on his forehead, the messy black locks of hair carefully separated so as to avoid covering that one spot…for he secretly loved all the attention and free cheese samples the scar provided him. Little did he know all customers shopping in wizard supermarkets got free cheese samples, poor bastard. 

Harry Potter was the hero of the wizarding world. He who destroyed He Who Must Not Be Named. The Boy Who Lived. The kid with the scar. The head honcho. The coup de grace. Man a la Mancha. Maid in Manhattan. Richard Harris. Wait ...where was I going with this? Oh yeah ...so Harry was famous and loved by all ...cept all the evil people out to kill him. 

And here is where we come to the tale of Voldemort. But since I'm not in the habit of retelling a story already told seven million times over again, I shall sum it up for you:

Harry Born

Parents Happy

Parents Betrayed by rat ...literally

Voldemort evil wizard

Voldemort meanie

Voldemort kill Harry's parents

Voldemort try kill Harry

Harry no die

Voldemort kinda die but not really

Harry has scar

Harry save world

So that's the kind-of coherent summary of how Harry became famous. After that it was all cake and cookies for the boy ...NOT. He's had several brushes with death, countless bad hair cuts, an extremely horrid childhood with his evil relatives, and a partridge in a pear tree ...that died ...in a car crash. Yeah. And through all these trials and tribulations, Harry Potter remained as kind and warm-hearted as ever ...unless you count his attitude in the 5th book ...the little ass monkey. But we shall not speak of that here. 

Now, after many, many years at Hogwarts, Harry had learned to block out most of the insanity around him. He had learned to bottle up his feelings so well that he was able to walk through life oblivious to the feelings and actions of the people around him, for the most part. In short: he just didn't give a rat's ass. Other then that ...he was still the same old Harry.

Suddenly and without warning, a blur of red and black came pelting towards the black-haired boy, knocking him into the opposite wall. 

"RON!" Harry yelled angrily, rubbing at the sore spot on his head where it smashed against the stone wall. 

Ron looked around out of the corners of his eyes, smacking a hand over Harry's mouth. "Shhhhhh! Be _quiet!_"

Harry raised an eyebrow, his eyeballs slowly shifting to the side to try and see what Ron was looking for. "What is it?" His muffled voice sounded behind Ron's hand, lowering his voice slightly, not able to spot anything threatening nearby. 

"I'm not exactly sure ...but it must be something REALLY horrible if it's gotta keep itself hidden ..." Ron slowly got to his feet, arms spread wide as if trying to shield Harry from the invisible predator.

After so many battles fought side by side, both Harry and Ron had changed slightly. Harry became a bitter and angry teen ...like there's any other kind ...and Ron went slightly…insane. He now acted suspiciously like a bodyguard, protecting Harry from all evil coming his way ...which included toothpaste tubes that have been squeezed from the bottom, shifty looking moth balls, and gingivitis. He had now taken to flossing Harry's teeth while he slept ...but of course Harry did not know that. Creepy really ...but who am I to judge.

Pushing down the urge to comment on his best friend's behavior, Harry used the wall to support himself as he tried to stand, nursing his head. "I think I have a concussion," he pointed out, as Ron rummaged in his pockets for something.

"You see what I mean!" He muttered distractedly, shaking his head disapprovingly. "You're a walking death trap! If I wasn't here to take care of you-"

Harry looked indignant, "-But it's YOUR fault I hit my he-"

"-No need to thank me," Ron grinned, making a little noise of triumph when he found what he was searching for. He pulled out a roll of yellow caution tape, wrapping it around Harry's legs and torso.

"What the HELL are you doing?" Harry looked down as his friend wrapped him in the caution tape, trying to stay balanced.

"I'm making sure everyone is careful when around you. You never know when one might feel the urge to punch the first person to walk by ...if and when that happens, people shall be a little wary when you're that first person ..." Ron explained, running out of caution tape and tying the two ends together.

Harry blinked slowly. "What?! That made absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"What was that Harry? Sorry, didn't hear you," Ron replied, standing up and brushing his hands together.

Harry had the sneaking suspicion Ron HAD heard him…and was using his power of selective hearing to block out sanity. "Just ...forget it."

"You're welcome! Oh don't worry about it ...I know I'm the best. You don't have to pay me. No, no! I insist ...keep your money. The delighted look on your face is thanks enough." Ron gave Harry a little bow, bounding down the hall towards the main staircase.

"What?!" Harry whispered to himself, deciding to use his new-found talent of blocking things out at this particular moment. 

Deciding he better be on his way before Draco Malfoy turned up and began the torment, Harry began to waddle down the corridor looking like a tacky yellow mummy. Nobody seemed to think this was out of the ordinary, and they passed him without so much as a second glance. He suddenly had an overwhelming sense of pity for the poor mummy in the horror films. No wonder he was always trying to kill people! If Harry had to be stuck like this for the rest of his after-life he'd be kinda pissed too.

Finally he made it to the staircase, wondering how the hell he was going to get down them, when a horn sounded from somewhere behind him. He only had enough time to twist around to try and spot his impending doom before a skateboard came flying at his shins, knocking him over and causing him to roll down the stairs.

"ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed as he bounced off each step with a series of sharp pains on various parts of his body ...some more painful then others. When He landed at the bottom of the staircase, the only thing that popped into his mind was ... '_Why me?'_ Well duh Harry ...you're the protagonist. You're supposed to be kicked around a bit. The bright side was ...the caution tape bandages had unraveled in the fall. 

A pair of legs atop a skateboard suddenly appeared in his line of vision, wearing high-tops. '_Who the hell wears high-tops?' _ He thought to himself, expecting to look up and see Will Smith with his crazy early 90s hair.

It was Todd ...the new guy.

"Sorry about that dude," he cocked an eyebrow and looked at Harry from over the top of his sunglasses. All the girls nearby fell over in dead faints at his overwhelming coolness ...despite his adorning of the high-tops. 

Harry looked up at the cool kid, face all aglow. "No prob! I didn't need that left lung anyway!" He laughed and watched Todd roll away on his skateboard. "One day ...one day I'll be as cool as him," Harry whispered, eyes shining. "Ow! Damn excess eye fluids," he muttered, poking at his eyeball.

A few seconds later he heard his name being called and looked up to see Todd looking back at him from the doorframe, slowly rolling out on his skateboard. "Keep on trucking…" the other boy gave him a meaningful look, and the doors closed behind him soundly. 

_'Keep on trucking?' _Harry thought to himself. '_What the hell does that mean?! Oh well_ _...a cool kid said it_ _...so it must mean something important. I shall write this in my Hello Kitty diary later_ _...I wonder if Todd wears boxers or briefs. Probably boxers _...all the cool kids wear boxers. I wonder where that horn sound came from when I was on top of the stairs. I mean_ __...he was on a skateboard __...how can he make a beeping noise on a skateboard?'_

During all this inward conversing, Harry had forgotten he was lying on the bottom of the stairs, and was currently being manhandled by some first years looking for HP merchandise to sell on E-Bay.

"Gosh darn it Harry! I can't leave you alone for two seconds without you falling into a ditch in your underwear and being pissed on by dogs!" An exasperated Ron ran from the doors of the great hall towards the boy lying on the floor being fondled by first years. 

Harry, holding back the urge to bitch slap the red-headed boy, let Ron untangle his legs from the caution tape and help him to his feet, but not before watching him chase away the little girls with a tennis racket.

"C'mon, breakfast is already being served and I need someone to ignore Hermione with," he led Harry along by the arm into the Great Hall, both of them making rude gestures at the Slytherin table before sitting down at their own.

At the head table all the teachers sat in one long, menacing row, their beady little eyes surveying the chattering students seated in front of them. Dumbledore sat in his high-backed chair in the centre of the table, looking all cool and powerful as only Dumby can. Professor McGonagall sat beside him, face ducked into a bowl of milk, splashing Professor Flitwick slightly as he sat beside her, perched on the many books he carried around with him everywhere he went. The students all thought these books had magic powers…but that was silly. As if magic exists! Ha!

Severus Snape, the potions professor, was hunched over his plate, staring over at Harry and stabbing a butter knife into his toast repeatedly.

"He just gets creepier every day," Ron commented as he glanced at the professor. 

Harry shrugged and turned back to his food, accidentally dropping his fork on the floor. He bent down the retrieve it just as a dart came whizzing at his head from the direction of the teachers' table, just barely missing him and sticking in the opposite wall. Snape cursed under his breath and commenced stabbing his toast threateningly.

"So, does anyone know who the new Defense professor is?" Lavender inquired, nudging Ron's foot under the table and causing him to choke on his sausage. Woaw, the sexual innuendos are overflowing in that last sentence.

"No clue. I don't see any new teachers up there, unless you count that giant, three-headed monkey," Harry replied, holding a piece of toast in his hand.

"Oh that's just Marty ...he's subbing for Hagrid while he cuts his hair ...which will take a few days," Hermione piped up from behind her humungous book, her hair just peeking over the top.

Ron, looking a bit uncomfortable sitting beside Lavender, shifted slightly. "Well, maybe Lupin will come back to teach us," he shrugged once, poking Lavender's arm away from him under the table.

"That is highly unlikely, Ron. It will just be another strange adult with a dirty secret and/or agenda that will end up getting fired or being run into the woods by a pack of centaurs with a complex. The mere fact that almost every reader wants Lupin to come back is not going to make JKR do it. And if he left before because of his Lycanthropic nature, why would he come back? It is not like he's any less werewolf now then he was 3 years ago." Seamus explained, looking haughty.

Everyone just stared at him.

Just then a flock of owls charged into the room, swarming around the Irish boy and pecking him into unconsciousness. 

"Ooo! The owl post's here!" Lavender clapped happily as a guy dressed as an owl walked up to their table, handing out packages.

"Strange," Hermione interjected. "I've never seen owls act like that." She tilted her head, watching the angry owl mob.

"They were only doing what everyone else wanted to do," Ron shrugged as the owl guy dropped a letter in front of him, mumbling something about caterpillars and coffee.

"Who's JKR?" Harry asked, chin propped up on his palm.

"Wasn't he the guy who created cotton swabs?" Ron asked, opening his letter.

"No, that was Leo Gerstenzang, a polish-born American who originally named the product baby gays until ..."

Ron, having set down his letter on the table and was once again eating, snorted into his cereal. "Baby Gays?" He laughed, banging on the table with a fist. "Gays! Get it? Like Gay! Baby gay! Get it? Get it?" He laughed, smacking Dean Thomas on the back.

"What are you saying Ron?" Dean gasped. "You think I'm gay? You think I like boys! You all do! You all think I'm gay! I'm not! You're all lying! You're making stories! This is a plot! A plot on my life! You're all trying to kill me by making me think I'm gay so this homosexuality will kill me in some way that I haven't thought of yet! Well it won't work! It won't!" Dean screamed and ran out of the great hall, forgetting his bag at his seat. 

Ron shrugged and turned back to his cereal.

Hermione continued with her sentence, as if no one had interrupted her. "...he changed the name to Q-tips, the Q standing for Quality." She finished, disappearing behind her book again.

"I've never known anyone with as much pointless information stored in their brain as Hermione," Harry whispered to Ron, leaning across the table.

Ron nodded and suddenly rolled his eyes at something over Harry's shoulder, causing the other boy to turn around quizzically.

A young girl, clad in bright, strangely-embroidered robes, and wearing many, many shawls and beads around her neck, stood behind Harry, looking at him tragically.

"Oh god no," he muttered, quickly turning around and staring at his food.

The young girl squeezed in between Hermione and Harry, sighing heavily. "You poor, poor boy," She said mistily, patting his hand.

"Boy? Parvati, I'm older then you!" he grumbled, eyeing her.

"I see ...I see ..." she began, eyes shut and fingers resting delicately against her temples.

"Oh here she goes again ..." Lavender sighed gently, rubbing something under the table causing Ron to squeal and shift away.

"...you see Uranus?" Harry finished for her, quirking an eyebrow and causing Ron to laugh out loud.

Parvati growled, losing her misty voice. "No! Damn it Potter, we've been through this OVER AND OVER AND OVER! You ...are ...going ...to ...die ...a ...horrible ...grisly ...death!" she screamed, slamming her fist on the table with every word and causing the butter dish to go toppling over the side.

"She's worse then the real Trelawney cause she's dangerous ..." Ron commented.

"And I hear she owns a trowel ..." Hermione added.

"At least she's good looking ..." Harry pointed out, shrugging.

"You know I'm sitting right here ..." Parvati interjected, eyebrows raised.

Ever since Professor Trelawney had been stripped of her position of Divination professor in fifth year, Parvati Patil had been floating around the school, trying to keep the memory of her favorite teacher alive. She now predicted Harry's death on a regular basis, and wore ridiculously large glasses that magnified her eyes to three times its normal size. She looked kinda like Mr. Magoo ...except with hair.

"Hi guys!" A cheerful voice sounded suddenly behind Harry, making him turn once again to spot Ginny Weasley standing there.

"Virginia!" They chorused, and the theme from Cheers played in the background. 

She looked around questioningly, an eyebrow raised. "Where's that music coming from?"

"Come, pull up a chair ...what can I get you?" Harry asked, wearing a grey mustache.

"Wha? Harry ...I'm too young to have alcoholic beverages ...and how did you grow facial hair in less then 3 seconds?" Ginny asked, backing away slowly.

"Gimme a'other one, JACK!" Ron, now 300 pounds, slurred drunkenly.

"Now, now Norm, I think you've had enough," Harry smiled, patting him on the head.

"Norm?" Ginny looked at her brother, eyes wide. "What the heck have you been EATING Ron?!" She asked, continuing to back away. "You know, I don't need this. I'm no longer the shy little Harry-lover I used to be! The fifth book delivered me from my timid ways! I'm a woman, hear me ROAR!" She screamed furiously, running out of the room as fast as she could.

They all watched as the red-headed girl ran out of the room, blinking stupidly.

"What's wrong with her?" Ron asked, chin propped up on his hand.

"I think she's just excited that everybody knows her name ..." Harry replied, shrugging and going back to his breakfast.

Hermione piped up from behind her book, sounding stern. "You know, you have got to stop tormenting that poor girl before she goes insane and bludgeons you to death in your sleep ..."

"...using Parvati's trowel," Harry added.

"It's NOT a trowel! It's a SHOVEL! Get it right!" Parvati pouted, collecting her things and getting to her feet. "I'm off to stalk Trelawney for a bit before class ...see you later."

"Yeah, we better get going too Ron, Harry, we don't wanna be late for our first Charms class of the year," Hermione got to her feet as well, trying to shove the huge book into her bag, causing something inside it to screech and set Lavender's hair on fire.

Ron and Harry got up as well, like the good little puppies they were, and followed Hermione out of the Great Hall, bags in tow.

"Parvati, would you mind dousing me with pumpkin juice to stop the fire from spreading to my new robes?" Lavender asked calmly, holding up the jug.

"My pleasure," Parvati replied, dumping the juice over her head and quenching the flames.

"Thanks," she answered, the two girls stepping over Seamus's body and making their way out of the room.


	2. Ghetto Neville

**Author's Notes: **Yo, sup dawg! I's just wantin' ta tell yous bout ma story, an how iz da bomb diggity!

Ok, I'm done…for now

-X-files music-

Shout out to Venix/Ceria/whatever the hell else you want me to call you. Lol!

And now…the story.

*Dramatic LOTR music*

**Chapter 2**

The first Charms class of the year was beginning and Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley were really looking forward to it, seating themselves at the very front of the class. Professor Flitwick, a tiny man with tiny feet and tiny hands and a tiny face and tiny arms and legs and…you get the picture…was perched on his large pile of books, looking down at the class with his tiny eyes. Ok, really, I'm done now…tiny tiny tiny. 

"Hello everyone! Welcome back! Lovely to see all your shining faces again! I hope your summers went well…lots of rest and relaxation. Now today we're going to learn how to levitate feathers! In order to do this you mus-" Flitwick faltered, seeing the hands of every student in the class rise. "Oh, well, yes Miss. Granger?"

Hermione straightened in her seat, looking important. "Professor, we've already learned how to levitate objects in first year," she pointed out, looking inquisitive.

"Yeah, and mine blew up," Seamus added pointlessly.

"Oh, that was only in the movie Seamus. It doesn't count…" Hermione scolded, waving her wand around for no apparent reason, and yet continuing to look perfectly normal because she's so smart she can get away with anything. The students saw this, and began to mimic her, hoping to acquire some of her intelligence somehow.

"Well now," Flitwick twittered, never losing cheery disposition. "What about cheering charms?"

"Third year," Ron answered.

"Silencing Charms?"

"Yo, dat waz fit year, mofo," Neville, spoke up, gesturing with his hands animatedly.

You see, after the incident in the 5th bo-…I mean…fifth year, Neville decided he was so completely out of character that he could get away with anything. Hence the new ghetto style. He now wore his Hogwart's slacks down to his thighs, his woo tang boxers displayed proudly. Coupled with his heavy gold chains and doo rag, Neville was looking more and more like a ghetto thug every day. Peace ma brotha.

"Well…seems I've taught you everything, off you go," Flitwick motioned to the door.

The students sat there silently, looking up at the professor with confused expressions.

"Professor Flitwick, are you feeling alright?" Harry asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Of course, of course! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off. The W.N.M.W.J.R.S. club is having a meeting in the lounge," Flitwick announced, climbing off his pile of books and scurrying out the classroom door. 

"We have a lounge?" Lavender whispered to Parvati, who was sitting behind Harry.

"What's this W.N.M.W.J.R.S. everyone's talking about?" Ron asked, straightening his black tie.

Harry leaned over to whisper in Emma Dobbs's ear. "Ron's the master of over- exaggeration." Emma, having no importance in this story, just nodded and giggled.

"I think it means 'When numbers match well, jumping rabbits sing,'" Susan Bones finally was introduced into the story, and very reluctantly at that. I mean, come on. Why was she in every scene in the first movie? She's not even a Gryffindor and she's always around Hermione. I bet her father paid for the lighting or something.

"No! It means 'Watchful Nazi Men Will Jinx Really Soon,'" Dean added, eyes suddenly going wide with horror. "THEY'RE COMING! THE NAZIS ARE COMING! FLITWICK'S ONE OF THEM! THEY'RE COMING TO JINX US ALL AND STEAL OUR TROUSERS! I KNEW IT! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I TOLD YOU ALL! BUT…YOU ALREADY KNEW! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! YOU'RE ALL NAZIS COME TO STEAL MY TROUSERS AND JINX ME INTO BELIEVING I'M AN OSTRICH! WELL I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T!" 

And with that, he was gone. 

That is, he ran outta the class screaming and hitting people with a fork.

Hermione spoke up, as if nothing strange had happened. "W.N.M.W.J.R.S." she pronounced each letter carefully, spacing them out so as to make herself sound more intelligent. "'We're not midgets, we're just really small'…it's a club for short people," Hermione finished.

"Oh yeah! Remember that one time we tried to get Ginny to join and she ended up jumping into the lake?" Ron grinned, looking over at Harry.

"Yeah, good thing we were able to drain it with the drought charm before she drowned," Harry replied, chewing on the end of his quill. 

"Well, she still got that nasty broken arm from falling on the hard surface and all," Ron commented. 

"Wasn't our fault she's sensitive about her height," Harry added thickly.

"Oh you two are such jackasses to that poor girl," Hermione shook her head, organizing her books into a neat pile like the stereotypical brain she is.

Ron raised an eyebrow, "You swore!"

"Oh come off it. I'm friggin 16 years old, I'm allowed to swear. And I find the fact that you two know nothing about sex at your age highly disturbing," she glared.

"Where do babies come from?" Harry asked, innocent eyes wide with wonder.

Ernie Macmillan spoke up from the back of the class. "Anyone else think we should be learning something right about now?"

Everyone went quiet for a moment, some unseen person taking this opportunity to throw their desk at Ernie, missing him by inches and crushing Seamus instead. Poor, poor Seamus.

"I nominate Hermione!" Anthony Goldstein announced, standing on his chair. Ron glared at him all jealous-like.

"I nominate Bill Clinton!" Monica Lewinski screeched, wearing that hideous mormon outfit.

"Who the hell is that?" Ron asked.

"You DON'T wanna know," Harry answered with a look of horror on his face.

"So it's settled!" Anthony continued. "Hermione is president!"

Blink.

"I mean…Hermione's teacher for the day!" 

They all cheered and ushered Hermione up to the front of the class, helping her up onto the stack of books Flitwick usually sat upon and sat back down at their seats, looking up at her expectantly.

"Ok then. Umm…well since I'm super-smart and probably know every spell there is I'll just let you request which charms you'd like to learn and I'll teach them to you," Hermione shrugged, looking down at the class from her perch on the books. "Anyone?"

Everyone began talking all at once, yelling out different charms.

"One at a time! One at a time!" She yelled over the crowd, pointing at a random person.

"I'd like to learn a clothing removal spell," the boy asked, grinning.

"Ok, creepy…just…creepy," Hermione replied, shaking her head. "And I could not, in good conscience, let you torment harmless girls, boys, and small animals with that spell. Plus, it's not like I've had a lot of practice with it," At this point she looked directly at Ron with an annoyed expression on her face, but he was too busy playing with little army men and making exploding sound effects to notice. So, once again, another sign of their obvious love for each other went unnoticed…idiots.

Anthony Goldstein followed Hermione's gaze to Ron, narrowing his eyes and sharpening a knife under his desk. Ooooo, a love triangle. Wait, no, if it was a love triangle Ron would like Anthony. And that's just wrong. If there were to be a gay couple it would have to be Harry and Draco. So much sexual tension in there. But I'm getting carried away now. It's kinda like a love tent. Yeah, a love tent. 

"Fine," the boy spoke up again. "What about a hair removal spell?"

Everyone just stared at him in silence.

"Get out of my classroom," Hermione motioned to the door, and the boy, head bowed, exited promptly.

"Anyone with a not-so-creepy suggestion?" Hermione asked the class. "And NO Neville, I'm not conjuring Snoop Dogg for you."

"Shizzit," Neville grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting.

"What about a hover charm?" Harry asked, stroking his chin. He had wanted to learn this charm ever since Dobby used it against him in the 2nd bo-…I mean, at the Dursleys' house in second year. Revenge is sweet.

"Good one Harry! Now, can anyone tell me what the hover charm is?" Hermione asked the class, getting many rolling eyes in the process.

"It makes the caster grow horns," one girl drawled sarcastically.

"It helps with upper lip hair," a boy answered as, if not more, sarcastically.

"It kills people who tell me I throw like a girl…"

At the last one, everyone turned to stare at Neville.

"I mean…yo mutha, wha'chu take us fo, foos?" Neville looked around shiftily, sliding down in his chair.

Everyone seemed to be satisfied with this.

Hermione looked putout. "Ok ok, I get it, stupid question. So, does anyone know how to do it?" When no one answered, she grinned manically. "That's RIGHT. I'M the smart one here! So there you stupid, stupid children! Trying to make a fool out of me! I'm Hermione Granger! I ALWAYS win in the end! Muahaha!" 

Blink.

"Yes, so as I was saying…the hover charm is fairly simple to execute," Hermione began. You…think…"

The class looked up at the ceiling, all with thoughtful expressions on their faces. A few stroked their chins.

"You wink…"

They all winked at each other, Neville punching Justin Finch-Fletchley in the face.

"You do a double blink…"

They all blinked twice.

"You close your eyes…"

They all closed their eyes.

"…and JUMP!"

They all jumped, smashing their kneecaps against the desks and falling to the floor.

"Oh wait! That was the way to get into a chalk picture. Sorry about that…just say "suspendo" and point your wand at the object of interest. If pronounced correctly, you should be able to hover it across the desk. But be careful. If your wand movements are too jerky you might end up smacking someone in the head." Hermione explained, demonstrating for them before pairing them off to work on it on their own.

Harry and Ron had been paired together, and Ron continually jerked his wand in Anthony's direction, trying to knock him out with the textbook they were trying to hover. 

When Harry had finally hovered the text across the room effectively, and made his plans to get Dobby back using a giraffe and a very long garden hose, they all sat down and yelled out suggestions for what to learn next.

"What about a Severing Charm?" Somebody suggested.

"Good god man! You don't know how to do a severing charm?!" Ron exclaimed, feeling excited because this was one of the few things he actually KNEW how to do. Go Ron.

The student slinked down in his chair, feeling stupid because everyone already knew how to do the charm…even Ron!

"Now now Ronald, let's not judge," Hermione gave him a stern-yet-fond look. He grinned happily.

Hermione successfully taught the student to do the severing charm, but not before he cut off several ears and gave Harry a very uneven haircut. Good thing Harry's hair magically re-grows within a matter of seconds…

"I wanna learn a memory charm!" Hannah Abbot demanded…stupid Hufflepuffs.

"I'm not sure about that one. I don't want you to go around erasing everyone's memories," Hermione answered.

"Well…I have an idea. Why don't you teach it to us, then erase our memories after so we don't remember how to do it!" Ron exclaimed, feeling proud of himself.

"But what would be the POINT! What's the point of learning something if you're just gonna forget it two seconds later?" Harry argued.

"That ALWAYS happens to me…" Neville commented.

They all stared.

"I mean…yo dawg, dat shizit sucks yo! Datz always happenin' ta me mutha," he sniffed, looking around shiftily.

"Fine, whatever. Memory Charms. You all know what they do. In order to do them correctly you must clear your mind of all thought, and when you think you're ready yell 'Obliviate!' and point your wand at the forehead of your subject. When finished you will be able to implant new memories into their brain, or leave them there to die if you so wish…but I don't recommend it. Now, this charm is EXTREMELY complicated…" She continued to explain the complications of the charm, looking around at everyone as she spoke.

"How bloody complicated can this spell be if LOCKHART can use it," Ron muttered to Harry, not taking his eyes off their student teacher.

"Ron, I have one word that will sum up all the wrongs of the world…" Harry whispered back.

Ron waited expectantly, still pretending to be listening to Hermione.

"…Fudge" Harry finished.

"Here here," Ron agreed, speaking just as Hermione finished her explanation. At this point most of the class was asleep, draped over their desks.

"Can I have a volunteer?" Hermione asked, the students waking up immediately, their hands in the air.

"How about…Harry and Ron."

Surprise surprise.

"Ron, you try to erase Harry's memories…"

Harry looked scared as hell. "Hermione, isn't this a little unsafe?"

"Oh don't worry Harry, Ron will most likely screw up and end up erasing all of the potted plant's memories or something," she shrugged.

The potted plant gave a little squeak of horror and hopped out of the class.

"That was strange," Ron commented, walking to the middle of the class.

"I've seen worse," Harry replied, facing Ron.

"Ok, now just clear your mind a-"

"Hermione, I KNOW how to do a memory charm!" Ron argued, even though he had no idea how to do one really. But he would never pass up a chance to fight with Hermione. He pointed his wand at the very nervous Harry, bellowing 'OBLIVIATE!' and nearly falling over as a very powerful jet of green light shot out of his wand, missing Harry by inches and hitting someone behind him.

"Told you so," Hermione commented.

The unharmed students on the side of the room the light traveled in all parted to reveal…

"LOCKHART!" 

Everyone gasped and Harry rushed towards him.

"Well hello there young lady," Lockhart smiled blankly, staring up at Harry. "I was just on my way to the track. Mind giving me my arm back so I might be on my way? There's a good girl…"

Harry helped the poor guy to his feet. "Sir, what are you DOING here?" Harry asked, leading him towards the door.

"Oh my goodness, young lady, this is my house! Where else would I be?" the older man's eyes crossed slightly. The double dose of memory charm must've knocked a screw loose. Well, must've knocked ANOTHER screw loose.

"Uh huh…well I'm sure someone here can help you find your way. Professor Snape's office is somewhere in the dungeons. Perhaps you should speak with him," Harry explained, ushering him out the door.

"Oh, is this Mr. Snapdragon an associate of Fat Tony's?" Lockhart asked, swaggering down the hall.

"Sure, why not," Harry replied, shutting the door behind him.

Hermione once again took charge of the class. "Ok everyone, is there anything else you would like to l-" she stopped, sniffing the air and grimacing. "Ok! Who passed the gas!" she glared at everyone, crossing her arms over her chest.

Everyone looked shifty.

Hermione just sat there, waiting for the culprit to fess up.

"Oh god it's horrible!" Harry screamed, passing out on the floor.

"It burns! It burns!" Ron added.

At this everyone began to gag and fall to the floor.

Hermione looked thoughtful, before speaking. "This brings me to my last lesson for the day. The Bubble-head charm. This charms creates a bubble of breathable air around the caster's head, and-"

"Oh god Hermione, just tell us how to do it!" Ron gagged.

"Fine fine," she sighed. "Just recite the incantation Icantthinkofanincantationforthissoilljustmakeitup, and tap the side of your head with the tip of your wand. A bubble will form around your head and the smell will be sealed out," she explained.

The class all did this simultaneously, gasping with joy as the bubble blocked out the smell. 

Harry was sure he distinctly heard "Praaaaaaise Jeysus!" from somewhere in the back, but decided ignorance was bliss.

"Ok everyone," Hermione announced. "Class is almost over, so I want to assign your homework…"

"Screw that! You're not our real teacher!" someone barked at her.

"Right you are Harry!" she smiled, sounding eerily like Vernon Dursley. What was even more eerie was that Harry didn't even comment on her assigning of homework, and yet she still said his name…if I could add in sound effects, there would be twilight zone music playing right about now.

"Class dismissed," she yelled out as the bell rang, watching the students filing out of the class and climbing off her pile of books. "Well, that was quite fun!" She smiled as Harry and Ron, heads incased in the charmed bubbles, came to stand beside her.

They all walked out together, Harry and Ron giving Hermione strange looks. They had the feeling she was the one who passed gas, but couldn't imagine her doing something so…human. 

She looked over at them, an innocent expression on her face. "What?"

"Nothing," the boys chorused, the three musketeers walking on down the hallway together.

Ron blinked. "Why are those three guys wearing tights?"

Harry shook his head. "You DON'T wanna know," he stopped, shaking his head. "Woaw, Déjà vu."

"And a WHOLE bag of chips…" Ron nodded, the other two staring at him. "What? Is there something on my face?"

They continued down the corridor, walking towards the main staircase.

Destination…unknown.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Weee! I love…

MONKEY BONE!

Extra points for anyone who can tell me what the HELL it is…

And REVIEW DAMN YOU!

ONLY THREE FRICKIN MEASLEY CRAPTACULAR REVIEWS? GIVE ME A BREAK!

If you don't review, I'll…I'll…I'll piss on your mailbox! 

TWICE!

So review…please…pretty please…


	3. Gold suits and garter belts

**Author's notes: **I'd like the congratulate "Sirius the homicidal maniac" for being my first non-friend to review!!! And by non-friend I don't mean you're not my friend…I mean I didn't actually have to badger you into reading my story and reviewing! Lol! Unless I know you, and in that case…hi! *Shifty* Meh, whatever.

I'd like to thank Deadly to be the first-ever person to review!

Both of you will receive jaguars in the mail…

…and I'm not talking about the car.

Although it would be kinda big to fit in the mailbox. I'll tell you what, I'll send you a piece of mail. Any piece of mail. It might not even have my name on it. It might even be from your bank or your phone company, but rest assured, it's from me.

Just thought I'd mention I read Chapter 2 again yesterday…wow it was pointless. I'm proud of myself. Lol.

SO without further Apu…

Apu: Oh! I have been zinged!

…zee story…

**Chapter 3**

The first day of classes had gone by quickly and the students were already feeling at home in their favorite school…all but Oscar the grouch, who had misplaced his garbage can and was now residing in the girls' toilet. So far the year had gone off to a really good start. The sixth year Gryffindors had had an easy first day with Charms, Care of Magical Creatures with Marty the giant three-headed monkey…which was interesting to say the very least…and Herbology. 

Harry Potter was relieved to see that today would be a pretty easy day as well as he sat in the Gryffindor Common Room the next morning in his sailor moon pajamas, holding his schedule out in front of him.  Most were excited to see who the new Defense Professor was going to be. Harry on the other hand was not. He wouldn't be surprised if Kreacher was revealed to be their new teacher, considering all the bad luck they'd been having with that class over the years.

"I wonder what THAT would be like," Harry spoke out loud, apparently talking to himself like those people in soap operas and looking into the camera for his close up. He then looked away from the screen, stroking his chin and looking off into space as he pictured Professor Kreacher…

***

"Good morning Professor Kreacher," the students chorused.

Kreacher, wearing an over-sized brown suit, glared at them and muttered to himself. "Filthy little blood traitors saying morning to poor Kreacher. Kreacher will tie their shoelaces together when they are not looking."

"Is there something wrong Professor?" Hermione asked, waving her S.P.E.W flag.

"Nothing to trouble yourself with Miss…" he answered cheerily. Turning his back, he began to mutter again in his usual fashion. "Muggles allowed to be mixed up with wizards…dirty little muggles with their bushy hair and smelly feet. Kreacher will kill them all, he will."

Hermione ignored him.

"Today Kreacher will teach filthy children to kill themselves…" Kreacher took out a letter opener, grinning manically.

The students shifted away, looking frightened.

"Harry, why are all your thought sequences demented?" Ron whispered. He was now a four foot clown wearing floppy shoes carrying a safe.

Harry shrugged, a strange feeling on his arm ripping him out of his little world…

***

"Harry! Hurry up or we'll be LATE!" Hermione whined, tugging at the sleeve of his shirt.

Harry shook his head slightly, looking up and seeing Hermione standing over him. "Hermione, it's 6:30 in the morning! We don't have to be in class for an hour and a half!" Harry grumbled, pulling his sleeve out of her grasp. He was extremely annoyed that he was pulled out of his daydream before the power rangers showed up. 

Before Hermione could respond Ron had entered the common room, wearing his usual black suit and sunglasses. 

"Is this woman bothering you sir?" He asked, his voice unusually deep and menacing.

For once, Harry was happy Ron was insane. "Yes…yes she is. Please remove her."

"WHAT! Ron! Get away from me!" she screeched as he lifted her easily over his head, nodding once to Harry and carrying her out the portrait hole. She looked kinda like a sacrifice to the gods. Wonder what she would look like with an apple stuffed in her mouth…

Harry sighed happily, sipping his margarita and grinning at the sounds of angry protest as Hermione was dropped in front of the Fat Lady's portrait. He also thought he heard the sound of firecrackers going off…nah.

"Harry! Hurry up or we'll be LATE!" Harry heard beside him, turning around to see Dennis Creevey wearing a dress and bushy brown wig.

"Dennis…why are you dressed up as Hermione?" Harry asked.

"She paid me 5 sickles to stand in for her when she's incapacitated. Seems she's very serious about annoying you," Dennis explained, pulling the dress down over his little white knees. 

After paying the young boy a galleon he finally stopped reciting Shakespeare, adjusted his dress one more time, and went back up to his dorm to change.

"He doesn't look half bad…" Harry appraised. 

Ron entered the common room again, just spotting Dennis heading up the stairs and whistling under his breath. 

"Who's the new girl? She's hot…" Ron sat on the arm of Harry's chair, playing with his tie. "Harry? Why are you laughing?"

***

At the sound of the bell, the class filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, chattering excitedly. Probably about cheese…Swiss cheese.

"Wonder who it's gonna be this time…" Ron sat down at his usual eat, Harry sitting beside him and Hermione sitting on Harry's other side. Ron eyed the other people in the classroom, making sure no unnecessary evils came near his friend....one never knows when a rogue cauliflower will be thrown. 

Harry was still expecting Kreacher to show up, making sure the point of his quill was extra sharp…just in case.

"If no one shows up I'll be glad to teach again," Hermione offered, the class then pelting her with newspapers. One person threw a cauliflower, but she ducked and it hit the side of Harry's head. Ron cried out, cradling Harry's head in his arms before Harry poked him in the stomach with his sharp quill.

A murmur of confusion went through the crowd of students as they waited for the new professor, looking over at the door once in a while. It was already five minutes since class was supposed to begin and there was no teacher in sight.

"What's going on?" Seamus, fully healed from the desk-crushing incident yesterday, asked from over Harry's shoulder.

Ron shook his head. "What a stupid question. How are WE supposed to know? We're sitting here just as you are. What, you think just cause we're the main characters we're supposed to know everything?"

"Sorry," Seamus blinked, sitting back in his seat.

Just as the students were about to leave to pursue other interests…such as poking the house elves with sticks…the door finally burst open to reveal…

-Dramatic Chord-

"Oh…my…God…"

***

"Now baby, sometimes mushrooms aren't for raccoons," momma raccoon said.

Then baby came across an apple tree, and said.

"Mommy, are apples for raccoons?"

"Yes baby, you can have an apple."

At this point the author turned away from the TV and back to the writing the story.

***

"Oh…my…God…" Ron's jaw dropped.

Standing at the door, in all his shiny glory, was Michael Jackson.

Ron turned in his chair and looked at the shadowy figure sitting in the corner. "No it isn't!" He yelled at the author. "It's Percy!"

Grumbling slightly, the author deleted the last sentence, typing 'Percy Weasley' in place of 'Michael Jackson'.

Percy stood in the doorframe, figure outlined by the light of the hallway behind him, making him glow like an angel…or a disco dancer. The strange thing about Percy Weasley today was not the fact that…well…he's Percy. The strange thing was what he had decided to wear for his first day of teaching. 

He had on a very gold, sequined suit, and feathered glasses. That's right, feathered. He was also carrying a briefcase, which trailed red and green paint along the floor as he took a step into the room. Apparently he had painted the leather himself…no comment. To finish off his ensemble he had on a pair of jeweled, white gloves. 

The students all stared in awe, a couple screaming in pain as the light from the hall bounced off his suit and blinded them without mercy. He spun around on a heel, moonwalking down the aisle to the front of the class, then grabbing something like a certain pop star does, but I'm not allowed to mention it cause I rated this PG. 

"Ron…what's wrong with your brother?" Harry whispered, eyes wide with horror. 

Ron could only open and close his lips soundlessly.

"He's very…gold today," Hermione commented.

Harry snorted. "Reminds me of Malfoy's trousers."

"My life is over," Ron spoke up.

"Oh come on Ron, it's not so bad," Harry replied, watching as Percy danced on his desk. "Well, ok, so maybe it is. I'll help tie the rock to your leg. Maybe the giant octopus will take pity and eat you."

"I was thinking more along the lines of jumping into the common room fire…but the lake thing works too," Ron whimpered.

"Harry, you are NOT helping, and Ron…setting yourself on fire is not the answer…" Hermione interjected.

"Exactly! Hence the whole jumping into the lake idea...get with the program Hermione!" Harry grinned, trying not to laugh.

Oprah Winfrey grumbled from her seat at her computer, picking up the phone and calling her lawyers.

"This is not funny! NOT FUNNY!" Ron smacked the laughing Harry on the back of the head.

The three arguing protagonists of our tale were shushed as their new teacher raised a hand, calling for attention. When he finally spoke, his voice was oddly hushed and high-pitched. 

"Hello my lovely, lovely children," he looked around at them all, smiling. "Look at all of you. So young, so…fresh."

The kids were beginning to think he was going to make them into sandwiches.

"I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I am here to teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts. You are now sitting in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and I, your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, am standing in front of you, explaining to you that I am your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and you are in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Now that we know that you are in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class and who your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is, does anybody have any questions about Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Percy looked around the room.

They all stared back at him, blinking. Crickets could be heard in the background.

"Great! So, today I'm going to review…" (Well at least Percy reviews!)

Another dramatic pause.

"…MICHAEL JACKSON SONGS!"

Everyone cheered, pulling their white gloves on…all but Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"Oh great, another incompetent teacher," Harry grumbled, poking at the piece of parchment in front of him with his quill.

"Well what did you expect…to actually _learn_ something?" Ron shrugged, searching through his bag for his white gloves.

The rest of the class was gathered together, singing along to "Billie Jean" around the campfire they had built in the centre of the room, while Percy conducted with his wand. Hermione growled at the commotion, feeling her brain seeping out of her ears more and more as the time went on. She busied herself in her Defense text, hoping to at least learn something. Harry just sat there, as always being the only normal one in the room. And that's saying something, considering he nearly killed the most powerful dark wizard of all time when he wasn't even old enough to stop crapping in his pants.

"HUZZA!" Ron exclaimed triumphantly, pulling out his white gloves and slipping them on his hands, just as the bell rang. "Awwwww crap!" He pouted. "I NEVER get to wear these," he sighed, slipping them off and putting them back into his bag.

"Uh, Ron, why are you carrying around white gloves anyway?" Harry asked, packing up his things.

Ron gave Harry a disbelieving look. "Harry, EVERYONE knows Michael Jackson likes to hang around schoolyards…I wanted to be prepared in case he ever came."

Harry shrugged. "Makes sense I guess."

"No it DOESN'T!" Hermione rolled her eyes, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

"I swear I don't do anything with the children! I invite them over to sleep in my bed! Only sleep! That's it! It's very sweet actually…" Percy tried to explain.

"Oh shut up you weird pervert," Hermione snapped…who knows if she was talking about Michael Jackson…or Percy.

Harry and Ron gave each other identical looks of surprise behind Hermione's back. That was the second time in two days she had anything other then "I read Hogwarts a History" "will you two PLEASE do your homework!" and "Ron! Stop looking up my skirt!" Frankly, they were shocked.

"Ron…will you PLEASE stop looking up my skirt!" Hermione screeched, smacking Ron away from her. Both he and Harry let out a sigh of relief…all was well.

***

History of Magic was the same as always. Hermione taking notes, Ron creating plans for world domination, Harry fixing his hair in a mirror…some things never changed. Professor Binns, the ghost teacher, droned on and on about some war or another…he could've been talking about dancing llamas for all they cared. Actually, the students probably would've payed more attention if he _was_ talking about dancing llamas. Llamas are cool.

A note fluttered onto Harry's desk, the boy looking away from his mirror for a second to pick it up and examine it. A single sentence was written on it in neat handwriting…

_You are going to die._

Harry would've been scared, if he had not looked up from the note to see Parvati staring at him, wiping a tear away. He rolled his eyes, writing his own sentence underneath.

_Go back to Uranus._

He passed the note back to her, grinning. 

Ron leaned over, whispering in Harry's ear. "That joke's old man…it's like kicking a dead dog."

Harry shrugged, going back to fixing his hair in the mirror.

"Harry, I don't even know why you bother. Your hair is a trademark, like your scar, it'll never change," Hermione commented, not even looking up from her note taking. "And could you two please keep it down? I'm trying to listen…"

The two boys stuck their tongues out at her (well, they actually did something much ruder, but we shall not mention that here), settling for drawing rude pictures of her and the house elves, which included Hermione wearing nothing but a tea cozy with "S.P.E.W" written on it. That was Ron's idea…go figure.

Hermione spotted it out of the corner of her eye, raising an eyebrow. "Oh come on Ron, if you would just submit to my advances you'd know I look nothing like that naked…"

Ron choked.

Harry laughed.

Hermione grinned.

I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am.

Whoops, sorry, wrong story. 

"And then…" Binns's voice suddenly broke through their conversation, bringing them back to earth. "The winged demons were cast out of Narnia…"

Two students, called Lucy and Edmund, cheered enthusiastically. 

Binns was so surprised he fell through his desk, transparent mouth opened wide. The other students were just as shocked, gaping at the two kids who were still standing, not even wearing Hogwarts robes. Happiness in history class? Preposterous!

"Who are they?" Harry leaned over to ask Hermione, eyebrows furrowed. Hermione shrugged, eyes on the two kids.

Lucy and Edmund, sensing hostility, backed away from the crowd of students, crawling into a nearby wardrobe and closing the door.

Binns, having recovered from the initial shock of someone actually liking his class, continued with his lesson. "The winged demons were cast out of Narnia…"

Harry yawned, staring out the window while Ron continued to scribble on his parchment. Harry thought he saw the words "ray gun" "cotton candy machine" and "bulldozer" written in bolded letters, wondering when the teacher had mentioned any of those things. _Those demons must be some party animals…the goblins never gave out cotton candy at THEIR war._

"Harry!"

Harry was shaken out of his thoughts by Hermione for the second time that day, looking around. Everyone was gone.

"WHAT HAPPENED?! IS IT THE END OF THE WORLD?! HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN DAYDREAMING!" Harry screamed, standing.

"Harry…the bell rang…it's time to go," Ron blinked, backing away.

"Oh…alrighty then," Harry shrugged, picking up his bag and walking out of the room, Ron and Hermione in tow.

***

"So I says to mable I says 'Duuuuude', and she's all 'Duuuuude' and we're all 'Duuuude'," Ron explained to a crowd of students around him. They all laughed.

Their third and last class for the day was astronomy with the Ravenclaws, and all students were chattering idly while writing one page essays on the importance of hygiene. Well, ok, only Harry was writing one and that topic, seeing as he never actually is seen taking a shower in the books. The rest were writing essays on what they learned last year in astronomy, which wasn't much. Professor Sinistra, a young witch with pitch black hair pulled back into a bun, was walking between the desks, helping students with their work and occasionally listening to one of Ron's stories.

"Ron, you're so funny," Lavender giggled, batting her eyelashes. She moved closer and began petting his head.

"It's a curse…" he replied, grimacing as she pet him. "Seriously, it is," he whispered to Harry, trying to move away from the girl at his side.

Harry nodded knowingly. Being known as the Boy Who Lived had its upside, and it's downside. And being the immature naive boy he was, he considered girls the downside…cooties and all that being rampant these days.

The rest of the class was very uneventful…unless you count the incident in which Dean threw a Ravenclaw out the window, claiming he was an alien sent there by the Swedish to steal their Quidditch uniforms. The scary thing was…he actually was an alien sent by the Swedish to steal their uniforms…they found them in his bag after he hit the ground. The school never ceases to amaze me. Who KNOWS what'll happen next.

-Dramatic Chord-

Where is that music COMING from!?!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shoutouts to Ishboo, Starlily, and Sarah Embry for reviewing! You are now my official sock puppet buddies!

See how well I treat my reviewers! So review and be treated well! Yup! 

And once again I'd like to thank Draco for being such a ghetto nerd. Sup mutha! And for being the person to urge me to write faster and give me the most praise. Lol! No procrastination with you around!

And a shoutout to baby…NOT Nevy cause he won't review...or he'll only review when I bug him to. But baby's cool, so baby gets a shoutout. And dog too. Chicko the Chihuahua. But not Nevy. Nevy can go to hark. Hark meaning heck. Yeah. 

And Malfoy…otherwise known as Lucius. For no apparent reason. And Chelle…also for no apparent reason.


	4. The woes of Mr Malfoy

**Author's Notes:** What happens when one question is asked to five different people? I attempted to find out.

**The Question:** If _a rock started glowing after you blew on a flute, what would you do?_

Rhys: Put the rock in my room and put a fan by the flute so then I'd have a nightlight

Chelle: Stare at it. (She even demonstrated) -- o_o

Draco: Stare at it...... ELIJAH WOOD SCHTYLE! 0_o

Malfoy: Run and hide or, sell the rock, and the flute as well. (always like a Malfoy to try and profit from this)

Rhy's friend Scott: Could you repeat the question

_When asked again…_

Could you say it in English this time?

He's obviously a bit slow.

**Follow up Question: **_Well if a badger-rat type dude came out of it talking in third person, THEN what would you do?_

Rhys: Beat him with the flute and then continue to play

Chelle: I would talk back to it. Poor bastard needs talking to if he speaks in third person. (She then demonstrated the face again for some reason, like so… o_o)

Draco: Tell him he has the wrong movie?

Malfoy: Sell him too, or kill him, or ask him what the F is going on.

Rhy's friend Scott: -Not Available For Comment- (He's too normal and slow to understand the workings of the insane mind…so he jumped off a cliff)

So there you have it folks. The world's greatest mystery solved…

**Chapter 4**

"Welcome to Advanced Potions…I loath you all," Snape glared at them for five minutes straight before seemingly remembering where he was. "Today I'm making you all wear pink…"

The class gasped.

"…except Draco of course…"

The class gasped.

"And Snuffleupagus…"

A murmur of understanding went through the classroom. A huge orange elephant with a name like 'Aloysius Snuffleupagus' doesn't deserve to be punished…

"He's not orange, he's brown," Ron, being one of the only people who could see the author, commented.

Whatever…

"Now pick up your aprons and get to work!" Snape barked, motioning to the newly set up apron corner. 

All the students, save Draco and his posse of scantily-clad girls, got to their feet, making their way over to the corner and standing around the frilly pink aprons, looks of disgust on their faces.

"Well what are you WAITING for?! Get to it!" Snape screeched.

"Umm...professor…you never actually gave us any work…"

"Are you THREATENING me Potter?" Snape stalked across the room towards Harry until he was inches away from the boy's face.

"Wha- no! Sir! I would…are you drunk?" Harry blinked.

"Just a tad…wait…I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE!"

"Well, I was just sayin' that you didn't give us any work to do, so telling us to go to work is pretty pointless," Harry tried to explain, stopping when he noticed the steam coming out of the Professor's nose.

"1000 points from Gryffindor!" Snape yelled, eyes turning a frightening shade of red.

The Gryffindors groaned and cried…one even yelled "Stellllllllaaaaa!!!!!!"

"But sir! The year's just started! We don't even HAVE 1000 points!" Harry gasped.

Snape thought about it for a moment. "Fine then, 10 points…and you've got to give me your first born child."

"Deal," Harry, being incredibly immature for his age, thought this was a good deal, since girls were icky and he'd never have children.

Just then the argument was cut off by the screaming of a girl nearby. Pansy Parkinson had accidentally dropped her pink apron out the window and everyone stared in horror as the pink fabric fluttered down towards the grounds, exploding in mid-air for no reason whatsoever.

"Burn baby burn!" Ron exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

"I've never seen anything spontaneously explode like that," Hermione commented from her spot in front of the window, head tilted. 

"Dats da shiznit yo," Neville added. Amazingly enough, Snape actually let him into advanced potions…probably because he looked smashing in pink.

"Alright! Enough of this lolly-gagging! Get back to work!" Snape barked from his spot in front of Harry.

Everyone began to scatter, getting their aprons on. (Wow, how long does it TAKE to put on a friggin apron?) All but Pansy, who was curled up in the fetal position on the floor. 

"Miss. Parkinson, what are you DOING?" Snape yelled.

"M-my apron…it's DEAD," Pansy cried.

"Aprons can't DIE woman! They're just pieces of fabric!" he screamed, his eye twitching. When she wouldn't move, he shook his head, stomping back over to his desk and throwing it out the window.

Everyone stared.

"I hate my job…" he grumbled, sitting down in his chair, looking less menacing now that he couldn't peek out at them over top of a huge desk.

The class was silent, and it was then that everyone noticed the giggling coming from the Slytherin side of the room. Draco Malfoy, sitting back in his chair casually, was surrounded by scantily-clad girls, all giggling. Never was there a time when you did not see Draco surrounded by his girls, even bringing in special guests once in a while. Yesterday Gwyneth Paltrow could be seen sitting on Draco's lap at the Slytherin table, flipping her hair and smiling. 

"Draco, please tell your friends to go back to their own desks," Snape, obviously favoring Draco above all his students, had assigned desks for Draco's girls, even though they didn't attend the school. In other classes, the teachers made him leave them outside, but the classes were frequently interrupted by the sound of scratching on the door as the girls tried to claw their way in using their long, pink-painted fingernails. Frankly, nobody knew where they came from, but most of the boys enjoyed watching them walk around in their meager amounts of clothing.

"But siiiiiir," Draco whined in his annoying, whiney, rich-boy, 'I get whatever I want' voice. 

"I'm sorry Draco, but rule 2316 of the Hogwarts Code of Conduct clearly states 'all scantily-clad girls, if given permission by the instructor, must be seated in their designated spots during class hours'," Snape replied, giving Draco a 'Please don't send your father after me' look.

Draco sighed dramatically, speaking to the girls in their native tongue of skankish. They all cried out, leaving Draco's lap reluctantly and sitting in their seats. Our poor tragic antagonist pouted like the spoiled brat he was, feeling oddly empty and depressed without his girls warming his lap. Poor Malfoy, all alone in the world.

I mean, other than the billions of dollars, castle-like home, and women throwing themselves at him, what else did he have? His hair has to be gel-charmed every half hour, Snape actually liked him, and his shoes had not been properly polished the day before. Also the fact that his father is the spawn of Satan could be pretty depressing…although he tried not to dwell on that. Why, just this morning he could not find his favorite pair of solid-gold trousers. Oh the agony of it all. That was sarcasm by the way. I mean, come on, wouldn't that be a little uncomfortable? Who wears metal pants anyway?!

"Are we going to get work today, or is this class going to be like all the classes we had yesterday?" Hermione asked, grumbling from her seat.

"Miss. Granger," Snape glared with loathing. "Would you like to teach the class instead?" he asked sarcastically.

Hermione's face lit up.

"Uh oh…bad question," Ron commented.

"Of COURSE I would Professor! I was waiting for you to ask!" she grinned, getting to her feet.

"I was being SARCASTIC you stupid girl," Snape rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair.

Hermione's face fell and she once again took her seat, looking crestfallen. 

"Since this is your first day…and the author of this story doesn't feel like giving you any real work…you shall not have any homework tonight…" Snape yawned.

Everyone cheered.

"Except Harry Potter…just because," Snape added.

Everyone still cheered…except Harry of course.

The bell rang then, signaling the end of the period.

"Go away…" Snape yelled, and they all jumped to their feet, scrambling to get their bags out and get out of the class.

"Potter, you've got a two foot long paper on the importance of hygiene," Snape yelled over the noise.

Harry grumbled. "Are the teachers trying to tell me something?" Harry turned around to see Ron and Hermione smiling at him, clothing pegs clasped over their noses.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The three friends walked through the hallway after Potion's class, talking about this and that. They were on their way to their first Transfiguration lesson of the year and were actually looking forward to learning SOMETHING for a change.

Alas, a safe and speedy journey to their lesson was not to be, for at that moment, Draco Malfoy yelled out Harry's surname from the opposite end of the corridor they were in. Harry turned on a heel, face set in stone.

Everything went quiet as the two rivals met each other's eyes from across the corridor after slowly turning to face one another. Western music played in the background as they began to walk forward, eyes locked. People in the hallway turned to stare with rapt attention, holding their breath in preparation for the bloody battle to ensue. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of spurs clanging on the boots of the two enemies. Why they were wearing spurs all of a sudden, I don't know, but that's not of importance.

"Uh oh…here we go again," Ron, feeling left out and wanting everyone to remember he was there too, commented.

Draco and Harry finally met, glaring into each other's faces with loathing.

"Sheriff Scarface…" Draco narrowed his eyes more, looking out at Harry from under his cowboy hat.

The sound of the wind blowing and the sound of bouncing twigs as tumbleweed rolled by was all that was heard as Harry glared at Draco for five minutes straight. A first year, having held his breath for too long, passed out on the floor.

"…Dr. Draco," Harry nodded slightly.

"Damn it Potter! We went over this in rehearsal yesterday! I'm the town vigilante, not the town doctor!" Draco shrilled angrily.

"Oh whatever! I can call you whatever I want!" Harry yelled back.

"Oh yes! I'm Potter! I can do whatever I like cause I'm so BRAVE…" Draco imitated Harry in a whiney voice.

"You're so stupid! Why would I call myself Potter!?" Harry crossed his arms over his chest.

Draco looked stumped. "Shut up you…you…BUTT KISSER!" Draco stamped his foot.

"Yeah, well yo mama!" Harry retorted.

Everyone 'Ooo'ed

"Yo papa!" Draco answered back.

"Yo sista!" 

"Yo brotha!"

"I don't gots no brotha!" Harry gloated.

"Yeah, well I don't gots no sista!" Draco spat back.

"Well then why didn't you correct me in the FIRST place!"

Silence.

"Yo scar!"

"Don't you be dissin' up ma scar biatch!" 

"HEY HEY HEY! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!" Neville chimed in, standing between them. "I'M the supposed to be the ghetto one here!"

"Sorry Neville," Harry and Draco chorused, hanging their heads in shame.

"Look, I'm all for your need to fight in public. Public displays of conflict are very important in life. But we're gonna be late for class, so could you postpone this till, say, after lunch?" Hermione tried to reason with them.

They both shrugged and nodded.

"Sure," Harry replied.

"Actually, I'll be busy counting my money after lunch…what about after dinner?" Draco took out his little black book and flipped through the pages.

Harry also took out his book, eyes furrowed in concentration. "No, not free then. Shall we make it tomorrow?" 

"That's good for me…" Draco penciled the fight into his book.

"Great," Harry nodded again, turning on a heel and stalking away. 

"POTTER! Wait!" Draco called out.

"What is it Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"You forgot the customary leaving glare!" Draco reminded.

Harry slapped his forehead. "How stupid of me!" he exclaimed, walking back over and facing Draco again. 

They stood there, glaring, suddenly turning at the same moment and stalking off towards opposite sides of the hallway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat in Transfiguration, facing the front of the room and waiting for class to begin. The class was significantly smaller then last year, Professor McGonagall only choosing the students she felt would be most successful in sixth year Transfiguration…and not because they looked good in pink. An honest teacher…who knew?

"Welcome back everyone! You few have been selected to continue on in Transfiguration for the remainder of the school year. Congratulations," Professor McGonagall looked around at them all sternly. 

Silence.

"Clap now!" she ordered.

They clapped.

"Now, this year will be dedicated to the study of human transfiguration…"

Professor McGonagall was cut off by the excited whispers of the class. She gave them a narrow-eyed glance that shut them up promptly.

"Human Transfiguration is a very dangerous and very precise area of ma-…what is it Weasley?" Professor McGonagall huffed, giving Ron a death stare.

He didn't seem to notice. "Professor, can we learn how to turn someone else into a Llama?" he asked, eyes shining.

She rubbed her forehead, obviously annoyed. "Mr. Weasley, after you learn the proper mechanics of Human Transfiguration, THEN we can talk about Llamas…" 

Ron, using his power of selective hearing again, only heard 'we can talk about llamas', his face brightening.

"Now, everyone please leave your questions until after I finish speaking," the Professor continued. "We will have many classes discussing the theory and mechanics of this precise portion of transfiguration…"

Everyone groaned.

"…and we will have many tests to make sure you are all up to par…"

More groans.

"…and if you groan one more time I will feed you to my thestral…"

The all stopped mid-groan.

"Thank you…now, does anybody know what Human Transfiguration is?" Professor McGonagall looked around the class, opening her mouth to call upon Hermione when Seamus butt in.

"You know, professor, it is impossible to feed us to your thestral, as you say. Seeing as the only people who know they are there are people who have seen death, and seeing as these creatures are made up of bones, without flesh, they could not possibly have digestive systems, and therefore they do not need nutrients to live I would think they would not wish to consume food for the mere fact that the food cannot remain in what could been seen as their bodies…" 

Silence.

Professor McGonagall, annoyed because of the constant interruptions, threw her teacher's manual at Seamus, smacking him in the forehead. They all watched as he slid out of his desk, toppling to the floor.

They cheered.

"So…where were we? Ah yes, Miss. Granger, if you please," McGonagall urged.

Hermione cleared her throat, taking a sip of water from the glass on the corner of her desk. "Human Transfiguration is the process by which the human form is changed, or transfigured, into something of another nature…" Hermione explained.

Professor McGonagall beamed. "Very good, ten points to Gryffindor…to make up for the points Harry Potter most likely got deducted from you in Potions…"

"…how did you…?" Harry gaped.

"Oh come off it Harry, you always lose points in that class," McGonagall rolled her eyes.

"Trudat," Ron added.

Harry pouted. "Well I'm the one always earning us the big points with Quidditch, and saving the world and stuff."

"Harry, this is no time to speak of your conquests. And Mr. Weasley, please remove the sombrero…" the Professor eyed him warily.

Ron sighed, taking off the hat.

"Now, everyone take out a quill and parchment and write down these notes," the Professor ordered.

The class groaned…once again…seems like a recurring, collaborative action in this class.

"Stop using such big words…" Ron whispered to the author, who was once again sitting in the corner, unseen by most.

"Mr. Weasley, please stop talking to yourself," McGonagall snapped, turning back around and commencing writing on the board.

Ron grumbled and bent over his parchment again, the author smirking and throwing tiny balled-up pieces of paper at him.

After a half an hour of writing down notes…yes, I know, this class goes by real fast…the students were beginning to get antsy, a couple losing their fingers. Professor McGonagall didn't seem to notice the agonized cries of pain until…

…Hermione stopped writing.

-Dramatic Chord-

As soon as this tip of Hermione's quill left the parchment, Professor McGonagall whipped around, gasping.

"Miss. Granger, are you OK! Are you DYING?" she screeched.

Hermione looked ashamed. "No Professor, I…I just got…" she whispered the last word. "…tired."

Everyone gasped.

"Oh dear, I must be giving you too much work. That's it for today everyone," Professor McGonagall put down her chalk, wiping her hands on a handkerchief.

Everyone was relieved, except for Hermione, who was franticly trying to raise her hand in the air. Ron was holding on for dear life, restricting her raising it and edging on more work from the teacher.

"Professor," Ron asked quickly, before Hermione broke free of his death grip. "Could you transfigure into a cat again?" he asked the first thing that came to his mind.

The professor, never passing up a chance show off her mad skills, gave him what looked like a smile…or it could've been she ate some bad beans for breakfast. "Why of course Mr. Weasley."

They all watched as she transfigured into a cat, using some wicked cool computer graphics. Just as she was about to turn back into a human, she sneezed extremely hard, causing the transfiguration to screw up somehow. After a few minutes of trying to fix herself, she screeched, running around in circles franticly.

"I'm stuck I'm stuck! I don't wanna lick myself for the rest of my life!" she cried, sprawling over her desk.

"Oh no!" Hermione wailed, getting up and running over to the teacher. "Professor what can I do!"

"Nothing! Nothing…" the teacher sighed dramatically. "I'll have to go visit the headmaster and get him to fix me…" she sniffed, sadly sitting up. "Class dismissed."

Everyone ran out, whooping happily…except of course the famous trio, who always had to be the ones in the spotlight. 

"What are you three still doing here? Go away," the Professor glared, sounding oddly like Snape. Perhaps he once got stuck as a cat and that's why he was so bitter now. I doubt it though.

The three shrugged, walking out and leaving the cat-formerly-known-as-McGonagall sulking on her desk.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Woot woot! Sorry this chapter took so long. A lot of stuff going on.

I just wanted to explain why I keep hinting that Harry smells and needs better hygiene. Some guy wrote an article or something saying that the characters in Harry Potter smell because JK Rowling never writes them taking baths. I thought this was a very STUPID notion…I mean, JK can't write in EVERY detail. This is NOT JRR Tolkien. "Harry son of James son of Morris son of Gryndon son of Marcus son of a biatch…" etc. Just imagine:

"Harry, feeling stinky, took a long shower, then took a crap, and feeling dirty all over a again taking another shower, making sure to wash the crack of his butt."

I know that was unnecessarily gross, but it had to be said. Lol.

Shout outs to reviewers:

bah- awesome name dude

Ickle Ronniekins Girlie- a woman of many words

Clayin- I shall continue writing. Thanks for the review!

Gred Weasley- You are awesome. You are so getting a bar of gold in the mail. Or perhaps a sock. Either or. And now look what you've done. All my cornflakes are gone!

The Cawi- Don't be sad. I can write better then Monkey Bone himself. No need to fret. Lol 

LauraLou- A parody/comedy fanfiction story on the net with INTEGRITY? Blasphemy!

sweetlilbrat- My story burns calories? Amazing!

Hear that everyone! My story burns Calories! And reviewing cures the Ebola virus. So review and cure Ebola! :)


	5. Not a Kreacher was stirring

**Author's notes:** I just found out I rode on an elephant when I was younger.

How cool is that?

**Disclaimer: **This chapter will involve some religious references. I myself am a Christian, but I do not condone the words and actions of very extreme Christians who believe Harry Potter is "evil" or "sinful"…therefore I have chosen to poke fun at them. Muaha. I think it's ridiculous that these people think JK Rowling is trying to teach children that witchcraft is good. Anyway, yeah, so if you actually do feel that Harry Potter is evil…well, you shouldn't be reading my story! *Shrug* Lol.

Now, a conversation between me and my friend Renee:

Percydude: I would've taken biology, but I didn't want to cut up the animals.

Renee: Oh, give me a pig and I'll be the first one to gut it.

Percydude: Ewww…I thought you were the religious one and you don't care about killing a poor animal?

Renee: Well what if I was a butcher?

Percydude: What? You want to be a butcher?

Renee: No no no, but _what if_ I was a butcher…

Percydude: But you're not…

Renee: That's _not_ the point…

My friends are like this…now you know why I'm psycho.

And I love electricity…it is good. Stupid blackout. 

**Chapter 5**

Dinner had just ended, and all the students were streaming out of the great Hall into the main corridor, talking animatedly. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were amongst them, being jostled around in the large crowd.

"I hate crowds…somebody's not wearing deodorant," Harry grimaced.

Ron looked guilty.

"I just want to get back to the common room and look over my notes," Hermione huffed, trying to look over the heads of the crowd.

"What notes Hermione? Percy's notes on the history of Michael Jackson's plastic surgery, or Snape's notes on why he enjoys wearing pink?" Ron rolled his eyes.

"My transfiguration notes, stupid," Hermione glared, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Oh, could I borrow those Hermione? I kinda bled all over mine after the fifteenth page…" Harry asked.

"Of course Harry, but remember, every time you borrow my notes you have to give me a piece of your soul," Hermione warned.

"Meh, what's a soul anyway," Harry shrugged, sighing in relief as they finally made it to the staircase.

As they neared the top of the staircase, they began to hear a commotion up ahead, finally seeing the source of all the traffic in the hallway. A bunch of people, dressed in all black with white collars, were standing at the top of the staircase, blocking the way.

"Who are they?" Harry asked, blinking.

"I have no cl-…ARGH!" Ron yelled as he was splashed in the face with water. 

"What the hell!?" Harry exclaimed.

The people in black gasped, turning towards Harry with wide eyes.

"HE SAID HELL!" one lady screeched, covering her mouth.

"Well what do you expect from these sort of people!" a man bellowed, running towards Harry and dousing him with water.

"Agh! What are you doing?!" Harry choked out.

"It can SPEAK!" another man stepped forward, raising his hands to the sky.

Hermione looked intrigued, walking towards the people in black and looking them over.

The lady gasped. "It's looking at me! What should I do?" she whispered to the man covering Harry in water.

"Just don't look it in the eye…it can't see you if you can't see it," the man whispered back.

Ron looked scared, along with the crowd of students behind Harry.

"Hermione…who are these people?!" Ron whispered.

"They're muggle Christians…I believe," Hermione answered.

"Really? I've always wanted to see one of them!" Lavender grinned from behind Hermione, clapping her hands together.

"And what is this stuff they're covering me with?" Harry asked, his hair dripping wet and his robes soaked.

"I believe it's holy water…" Hermione answered.

Harry nodded calmly, wiping the water out of his eyes.

"We must purge these evil creatures of their sinful ways!" an extremely tall man with a mustache bellowed over the noise of the crowd of annoyed students trying to get back to their common rooms.

"Excuse me," Hermione interjected, walking up to the tall man who seemed to be in charge.

The man squeaked, backing away. Seems he was more scared of them then they were of him.

Hermione raised a brow. "Is there a particular reason you feel it necessary to barge into our school and interrupt our evening?" Hermione asked.

The man looked at her with confusion. 

Hermione sighed, taking a bible out of her robes and holding it up.

"Hello little girl! My name is J.T.B. Pleased to meet you," he held out his hand for her to take.

"What kind of name is J.T.B?" Harry asked Hermione, knowing the man wouldn't answer him. 

"John the Baptist…poor guy's delusional," she answered, turning back to the man. "Are you going to answer my question?"

He smiled. "I'm sorry, I must've not heard you before, please repeat it," he said, his eyes never leaving the book.

"Why…are…you…here?" Hermione repeated.

"WE'VE COME TO RID THIS EVIL SCHOOL OF…WELL...EVIL! YOU ALL MUST BE CLEANSED!" he bellowed, taking a swig of his whiskey.

Hermione rolled her eyes, sighing. Why were some people so stupid? Well…more like why are MOST people so stupid. "Sir, I'll bet you're ten times the sinner we are."

The people in black gasped.

"Blasphemy!" 

"Sacrilege!"

"Battery!"

They all turned to stare at the shortest, balding man. 

"Sorry, couldn't think of anything…" he blushed.

"You, little girl, are very, very bad! You must be punished!" the man who seemed like the leader barked.

She raised a brow. "And is that a Playboy magazine I see in your slacks, _sir_?" Hermione smirked.

The man blushed furiously, mumbling something about 'how did that get there?' and 'confiscated from evil teenage boy'.

"It does not matter what you say little girl! You are evil! All of you are evil! EVERYTHING IS EVIL!" one of the women screamed.

"Well then you must be evil…" Ron commented.

The woman ignored him. 

"Dude, what's going on here?" a male voice was heard from behind the crowd of students.

A man stood there, long hair reaching down to his shoulders and nicely-trimmed beard and mustache standing out against pale skin. He was clad in a tie dye t-shirt, ripped brown pants and, to top it all off, sandals.

The Christians gasped, looks of horror on their faces. "IT'S A HIPPY! RUUUUUN!" they screamed, scattering in all directions.

The man smiled at the children, a heavenly light shining down upon him. "My work here is done," he said, rising up through the ceiling.

"Can this school get any weirder?" Harry asked to no one in particular, looking up at the ceiling, not noticing when the potted plant came hopping by behind him.

Ron shrugged, pushing Harry forward as the crowd behind him surged in an effort to get by and back to their rooms. 

The three friends walked up to the Gryffindor tower, saying the password to the fat lady and entering the room. 

"Well, I'm off to bed," Hermione yawned, walking towards the girl's dormitory staircase.

"Me too," Ron said, following Hermione.

Harry rolled, his eyes, grabbing Ron by the back of his shirt and steering him towards the boy's dorm. Ron pouted all the way.

"Night Hermione," Harry called.

"Night Harry, night Ron," Hermione pouted along with Ron, disappointed he hadn't followed her. Damn these two and their obvious love for each other which they won't admit to! Argh!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_'Twas the second night at Hogwarts, no need to beware.  
For not a Kreature was stirring, cause he wasn't there                                       _

_The broomsticks were resting by the garbage with care,  
In hopes that ST. Nicholas soon would be there…even though it wasn't Christmas and magical people probably have no idea who that is._

_The Gryffindors were nestled all snug in their beds,  
While visions of Snoop Dogg danced in Ghetto Neville's head. _

_And Harry in his sailor moon pajamas, and Seamus in his cap,  
Had just settled down for a long eight hour's nap. _

_When out of the darkness there arose such a clatter,  
Harry sprang from his bed to see what was the matter…_

It was Ron, sitting up in his bed and loading his rifle.

"Could you do that LATER…you're ruining the poem!" Harry huffed, standing at the side of Ron's bed.

"Oh, sorry," Ron answered, stashing his gun under his pillow for safekeeping.

Harry turned and crawled back into his four-poster, curling up in his sheets.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He was walking down the hall, no longer wearing his Sailor Moon pajamas. He had also grown boobs. Weird.

He felt hungry. He could feel his stomach grumbling. He could see Filch's cat. Where was he going?

He was standing in front of a painting. Fruits. A bowl of fruit. 

Laughter.

Where was he? 

He could feel himself falling to the floor. An ominous being was cackling above him with mad laughter.

He could hear himself screaming. He sounded oddly girlish. He could see himself in the stranger's eyes. He wasn't himself…he was someone else.****

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~****

Harry bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. He automatically looked down, patting his chest. No more boobs. It was only a dream…no, not a dream. It was real! It was happening at this very moment and Harry had to stop it!

Bolting out of bed and untangling himself from his bed curtains, Harry instantly was at Ron's bedside. He shook Ron franticly until he woke. "Ron! I just had a DREAM!" Harry whispered.

"Oh my gosh! Me too!" Ron said in his valley girl voice. "Like, I was in some Greek house and like, we totally made pasta, and then Hermione came into the kitchen and I lifted her onto the counter and…"

"RON! THIS WASN'T ANY ORDINARY DREAM!" Harry nearly screamed, causing the other boys to groan and shush him.

"Oh, one of THOSE. Don't worry, it's normal…" Ron nodded.

Harry was beginning to get aggravated. "Ron! This dream was like that dream I had when your dad was attacked!"

Ron gasped. "What happened to my daddy?! NOT DADDY!" he cried, stumbling out of his bed.

"No Ron! Pay attention! This was about HERMIONE! Hermione's in trouble!" Harry helped him to his feet.

"NOT HERMIONE!" Ron cried out again.

"Oh stop screaming and panicking and just go SAVE her already," Dean mumbled from his bed. They also thought they heard him say 'damn Germans', but they didn't stop to ponder that as they rushed to their trunks, rummaging inside.

"Aha!" Harry whispered triumphantly, lifting his batman costume into the air. "I KNEW this would come in handy one day…" he grinned as he slipped into his tights...the horror.

Ron jumped up triumphantly a few minutes later, dressed in his Robin costume. "And I take it you got me this because…it was a two for one sale?" Ron raised a brow.

Harry looked shifty. "Yeeeeees, of _COURSE_," he coughed. Truthfully, he just loved the way the tights looked on Ron, but he would never admit that. "Off we go! To the bat cave Robin!"

Ron sniffed. "You mean the hallway?"

"Yes…yes I do…" Harry stood there for a moment, and then bounded out of the room.

"Me, being the goofy sidekick, shall follow, in hopes of getting some of the glory!" Ron bounded out after him.

POW! 

WACK!

ZAM!

"Damn it!" Harry stomped back into the dorm, arms crossed over his chest, cape fluttering impressively behind him. "I said NO sound effects and/or large, poorly animated lettering until we get to the big fight scene!" Harry glared at he sound effects guy.

"And what was with that "Zam" thing? What the hell does that mean?" Ron inquired.

The sound effects guy shrugged, sitting back in his lawn chair and eating a donut.

"Now, once again, to the hallway!" Harry bellowed, bounding out with Ron close behind. 

Without all the noise in the small room, humming could now be heard from the corner, along with the squeaking of bed springs. "N-E-V-I double L-E…" Neville sang in his sleep, even doing the hand gestures. "Word…" he managed to get out before falling silent…unless you count the extremely loud snoring.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione had woken up in the middle of the night, suddenly feeling a tad peckish, and decided to go down to the kitchens for a snack. In reality she probably would never have even thought of doing this for fear of getting in trouble, but this is my story so I can do whatever I like. She was now walking through the halls of Hogwarts, the light from her wand the only thing lighting her path through the darkness.

"Food food food food, food food food food, food food food food, food food food food," she sang quietly, to the tune of the 'meow mix' song.

Mrs. Norris, Filch the caretaker's cat, bounced along beside her, meowing the same song and hoping to get some meow mix.

"Shoo! Scat! Hit the road jack!" Hermione tried to shoo the cat away, causing it to hiss and scamper behind a nearby statue.

Hermione continued on her way, oblivious to the ominous figure concealed in the shadows.

No not ME you idiots! I'm just the author. I can't actually do anything in the story.

As I was saying…Hermione did not notice the figure lurking in the shadows, watching and waiting for the right moment to strike…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Come on Ron! Stop lagging behind!" Harry whispered venomously as they dashed through the hallways as quickly and quietly as they could.

"I'm sorry, but I find it extremely difficult to run in tights!" Ron growled, adjusting his costume.

"Well Hermione's in trouble and I should think you of all people would want to save her," Harry panted.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh now look what you've done! You've made me feel all guilty," Ron pouted, speeding up a bit.

"From what I remember of my dream, she was in front of a painting…"

"Thanks for the info," Ron commented sarcastically.

Harry looked a bit confused as he tried to remember all the details of the dream. "…a painting of a laughing fruit…"

Ron blinked. "I don't think we've got any pictures of Lockhart in the school."

"Not THAT kind of fruit…a _fruit fruit," Harry closed his eyes in concentration…which was really stupid considering they were running at break-neck speed._

Just as Ron was about to throw himself in front of Harry in order to protect him from an approaching wall, Harry stopped, his eyes opening. Ron, unable to halt in time, ran smack into the wall, sliding down slowly and crumpling to the floor.

"Pear!" Harry exclaimed triumphantly.

Ron groaned form the floor, hating to be the sidekick who always gets hurts while the hero gets off scott free. "Wha?"

"A laughing pear! The ticklish pear! Ron! Hermione's going to the kitchens!" Harry continued to run down the hall.

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock Potter!" Ron got to his feet, catching up to Harry quickly due to his long legs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione stood in front of the entrance to the kitchens, facing the picture of the bowl of fruit. She had been standing in front of the painting for ten minutes, waiting for Ron and Harry to discover her whereabouts five stories below…although she didn't actually know this. She kinda just froze in time for a bit, while the author made other things happen for dramatic purposes.

Now, standing in front of the painting, she slowly brought up a hand, finger inching towards the ticklish pear…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Almost there!" Harry breathed heavily as they bolted down the various halls.

"Harry, maybe if you'd stop commenting uselessly we'd get there faster!" Ron growled.

"Good point," Harry gave Ron a half-nod, then shutting up. If he only knew it's ME who's doing this to him. Muahahahahahaha *cough*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione brought her finger to the painting, poking at the pear, when suddenly a dark figure came flying out of the shadows, knocking her to the floor.

"Ron! Not here!" Hermione fended the person who she thought was Ron off.

The person laughed all low and sexy-like.

Hermione's eyes widened as she looked up into the face of…

"Brad Pitt?"

"Yes, it is I…blah blah blah," Pitt said with an unusually strong Transylvanian accent.

"Why are you talking like that?" Hermione raised a brow.

Pitt looked put-out. "What, it's not good? Cause I'm really trying to get this vampire thing down. I mean, in Interview with a Vamp it was all cake and cookies…but they never told me Kirsten Dunst was ACTUALLY a vampire."

Hermione gasped. "Y-you're a vampire?"

"Well duh…" he blinked, suddenly remembering why he was here. "And I am here to suck your blood!" he once again had adopted the accent.

"Could you...not do the accent? It's just a tad distracting," Hermione asked.

"Oh…of course. Whatever you want…so, where was I? Oh yeah...blood sucking." Pitt bared his fangs, all the while getting closer and closer to Hermione's neck…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Y.M.C.A!" Seamus and Dean sang together, dancing on their beds.

Neville looked annoyed. "Yo foo! Yous best stop dat shizit right now, yo!"

The other two boys ignored him and continued dancing, Seamus in his cop uniform and dean in his Native costume.

Neville, going berserk at the horrible music, threw his framed photograph of Jay Z at the "magical" CD player, causing the player to smash to bits. The photo, of course, stayed intact…such is the magic of Jay Z.

"Nooooooo!" the other two boys cried.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Back with Hermione and Mr. Brad Vampire Five Minutes Later:_

Closer…closer…closer…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Are we theeeeeere yet?" Ron groaned, running beside Harry.

"Yes!" Harry gasped as they turned a corner, spotting Hermione's still form lying in the middle of the small, dimly-lit hallway. "There she is!" 

Ron ran towards her, kneeling next to her body. "Nooooooooo," he cried out, looking up to the ceiling. "Why heeeeeeer?! Why not me?! Or Harry! Most preferably Harry!" Ron sobbed.

"Oh calm down Ron, she's alive," Harry said, checking Hermione's pulse. "And we're gonna discuss that whole 'kill Harry' business later…" Harry eyed him.

Ron looked sheepish. "You know that was only grief talking…"

"Yeah right," Harry rolled his eyes, trying to haul Hermione onto his shoulder.

Ron easily lifted her, carrying her back to the common room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time Ron had deposited Hermione in the Hospital Wing, it had gotten very late… mostly due to the fact that Pomfrey chased him around the room with a truth serum hoping to get him to confess to being a vampire.

Harry finally opened the door to their room, only to find Dean, Seamus, and Neville screaming at each other.

"Hey hey hey!" Harry yelled. "What's going on in here?!"

Seamus ran to Harry, tears streaming down his face. "It was horrid Harry! You must fix this!"

Ron, who had no interest in this, walked over to his bed and climbed in, closing the curtains around him.

"Ok ok, calm down. Now, I can tell by the shards of broken plastic cutting into the bottoms of my feet that you guys had another fight over YMCA. Neville, we talked about this…next time they felt the need to play it you were to think of Snoop Dogg. Did you do this?" Harry waited patiently.

Neville sighed. "No…yo."

"Now, we can talk about this in the morning. I'm extremely tired and chafed from this outfit…" Harry yawned.

"Yeah, why are you wearing that anyway?" Seamus blinked, looking over Harry's batman costume.

"Don't ask…" Harry replied, getting into his bed and pulling the curtains closed.

The others shrugged, getting into their own beds, Neville waiting for Harry to fall asleep before throwing the coveted Jay Z photo at Seamus's head, knocking him out cold.

"That'll teach him to sing the Village people…" Neville cackled. "…yo."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**"I hate crowds…somebody's not wearing deodorant" **–Metabots.

**And of course the poem was a take off on "The Night Before Christmas"**

Harriet: Lmao Har! Both you and Venix get extra points…and a block of cheese. Congrats! And yes…love tent is everything. Don't you know? Even though I never meant it in that way. Damn Ribbon and her suggestive comments! Lol!

Lauralou: Yikes Edgar, you make it seem like laughing is a sin. Well, either that or my story is. C'mon, it's not like I sold my soul to Hermione in order to write better…*Shifty eyes* I didn't do it, you didn't see me do it, you can't prove anything.

Sarah Embry: Once again…woman of a thousand words. Hehe, thanks for reviewing!

Eve: Thanks a lot! And yes, I also cannot believe so little people care about curing Ebola. What a sad, sad world we live in. Lol.

princessflowerchild: *Blink* Yes…exploding IS funny. Especially when it's a can of paint next to a drugstore in the middle of…well…that's a different story.

Gred Weasley: Once again, you are a God. LOL! I shall dedicate my next toe clipping to you.

T.G.Q. Servant: Are you selling insurance? Cause I'm already covered…*holds up cheese grater*

Nic: Lol! You BETTER comment on every chapter. Why do you think I keep you around?! JOKING. Lol, you know I love ya.

Hermionemo: Ooooo, if it isn't my love interest. LOL! Jokes.

VenixFlames: Shout out to you oh lovely daughter O' mine. Hehe. 

Narcissa: Me? Adorable? I KNEW my mommy was right! Lol, thanks!

FINALLY! DONE! Yikes, that took a long time. But tis the duty of a good ff writer to shout out to all his or her lovely reviewers. And anyone who doesn't review can kiss my a-

-look at the time! Gtg!


	6. Mr Wilson

**Author's Notes: **Wow, took me several hundred years to get this up. I'm sooooo sorry…probably lost what meager fan base I had. Oh well, lol. 

So yeah…my chapter…I've been so busy with so many things I haven't had time to write…so I'm soooooory.

Here it is! Turn on the lights! This is it! The height of heights! And ooooooh what heights we'll hitttttt!

ON WITH THE SHOW! THIS IS ITTTTTTT!

*ding*

**Chapter 6**

The next morning Ron had gotten up extra early to visit Hermione in the Hospital Wing and after much argument and hand-to-hand combat between himself and Madame Pomfrey, the nurse finally let Hermione go. She was acting awfully normal for a newly-made vampire…probably because Pomfrey had stuck a piece of duct tape over her mouth. Why a professional nurse would let a vampire roam free in Hogwarts is beyond me…too many crappy fanfiction stories rotting my mind.

"So…you met Brad Pitt huh…that must've been cool," Ron tried to strike up a conversation.

Hermione glared at him from behind her duct taped mouth. 

"Listen, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to act all snobby!" Ron huffed.

Hermione rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to smack him…and bite into his neck.

"Fine! Fine! Be this way! I don't need you! I don't need anybody!" Ron screamed, crossing his arms over his chest.

Hermione reached up and ripped the tape off her mouth, smacking the piece onto his forehead. "Hello! How was I supposed to talk with tape on my mouth, stupid!"

Ron's eyes crossed as he tried to see the tape that was now stuck to his forehead. "I just wanted you to take it off yourself…Pomfrey said she would hunt me down and kill me if I did."

"Clever…" Hermione raised a brow. "I'm impressed."

"Pitt gave me a few pointers," Ron shrugged.

"Yeah, well he's a real looker. You know, if I wasn't 20 years younger then him and it wasn't illegal I would…oh gosh! We better hurry up before we're late for History of Magic!" Hermione screeched, looking up from her wristwatch.

"Geez, you've joined the ranks of the undead and all you can think about is school?"

"Well what's the point in having special powers and being a sexy vampire if you can't make enough money when you're older to buy one of those red velvet dresses?" Hermione hurried down the hall towards the staircases.

"You've got special powers?" Ron hurried along beside her.

"Yup," Hermione replied.

"Like what?" Ron asked.

"Do you know what Fudgesicles are?"

"You mean those delightful chocolaty popsicles?" Ron asked.

"Yup…well those have nothing to do with anything…here's our class!" Hermione grinned, rushing up to the crowd of students pushing their way into the open door of the History of Magic classroom.

"Damn it…how does she DO that?!" Ron pouted, slowly shuffling behind his classmates.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alright, the spotlight shines once again upon our beloved hero Harry Potter. At least Ron got his own scene with Hermione…poor kid, scavenging for spare parts. Anyway, Harry sat at his usual desk, staring out the window with a wistful look on his face. 

"Hey Harry," Hermione said, taking her seat beside him.

Harry's head snapped around to face her. "Hermione! Are you ok?" 

"I'm fine…I feel a neck of a lot better," she smiled, eyes looking glassy.

Harry blinked. "A neck of a lot?" he raised a brow.

"Oh, sorry, slip of the tongue, I meant heck," she smiled, opening her book. "I forgot to neck over my homework yesterday, I'm so bloody careless sometimes."

Harry was beginning to get nervous. 

_Is she looking at my neck, or is it just me…_

Ron chose this moment to enter the classroom, taking his seat on the other side of Harry and trying to hide something under his robes. 

"Ron…what's with the shirt?" Harry questioned.

Ron looked around shiftily, pulling his robes closed. "What shirt?"

"That shirt you're trying to hide under your robes…why are you wearing a censorship t-shirt Ron!" 

Dean gasped from across the room. "HE'S WORKIN' FOR THE MAN! HE'S TRYING TO GET ALL OUR SECRETS SO THE GOVERNMENT CAN MAKE MACHINES THAT CREATE OUR FAVORITE PUDDINGS!"

"But why would that be so bad?" Lavender asked.

Dean opened his mouth to speak, his eyebrows furrowing. "Damn it…I've no clue," he pouted, slumping back down into his chair.

"Ok ok, settle down everyone!" Professor Binns drawled in monotone, passing through the blackboard to his desk, opening his text and flipping through the pages.

Draco's scantily-clad girls continued to giggle from their seats at Draco's feet, petting his legs affectionately.

"Hermione, could you stop poking my neck…" Harry whispered as Binns began to speak, trying to slap her hand away from him.

"Sorry…but it's just so strange. I can't find one vein…let me just see if I can-"

"-Hermione! Leave Harry alone!" Ron whispered across the table, smacking her hand with his ruler.

"Ok! Geez, don't have a cow…" Hermione rubbed the back of her hand, turning her attention back to the teacher.

Harry caught Ron's eye, giving him a scared, wide-eyed look before shifting away from Hermione slightly.

To try and get his mind off the very uncomfortable situation, and the thought of his best female friend fantasizing his death, Harry once again began to stare out the window. He looked out at the grounds, spotting Cho Chang sitting at the edge of the lake…crying…as usual. 

Harry whispered silently to himself. "She can be such an emotional f-"

"-RIDAY!" Ron exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

"It's not Friday…" Lavender replied.

"I see DEATH on Friday…" Parvati added.

"Ron…why did you just do that?" Harry blinked, looking up at his friend.

Ron tried to look nonchalant. "What did I do?"

"You interrupted me…"

"I didn't interrupt you…"

"Well what if I were to say f-"

"-RIDAY!" Ron finished.

"See! Does this have anything to do with that shirt you've got on…?"

"What shirt? I see no shirt…I don't wear shirts. I burned them all. Don't you hate pants?" Ron stammered.

Binns looked up from his book with a confused expression on his face, as if he had just noticed there were actual students in his classroom. All the students quieted down, once again going back to their silent games of tic-tac-toe and burn the leprechaun…poor innocent leprechauns.

"Yo, Harry…" Dean whispered, suddenly being interrupted by Neville.

"Yo, dat mofo tryin' ta steal ma flava…mutha f-"

"-RIDAY!" Ron interrupted from the seat next to Neville's.

Hermione leaned over her desk behind them, her face next to Ron's. "Ron, why do you keep saying that every time someone's about to say f-"

"-RIDAY!" Another Ron burst into the classroom, making everyone turn in their seats to stare mock horror and disbelief....it's all acting, people.

"TWO OF ME!" The real Ron screeched, wide-eyed. The other Ron backed out of the class slowly, stepping out of the open doorway and closing the door softly. The class shrugged collectively and turned back to their work. 

"Probably a clone made by the censors, and/or the author, so the "curse" word in question can not be uttered without interference, for the sake of small children or others who may be reading this and might be offended by slanderous terms…" Seamus cringed, waiting to be attacked, his arms thrown over his head.

The rest of the class looked at him, blinking in silence for a short time.

"Right-o old chap," said Crabbe, twisting his curly pencil mustache between two fingers.

"Quite right, quite right," Parvati piped up mistily, looking at Seamus from behind her huge eye-magnifying glasses.

"W-what…?" Seamus cautiously removed his arms from over his head, staring around at the class in disbelief. "Y-you're…you're not going to…to throw things at me? Or yell 'Shut up Finnigan', or…or steal my clothing while I'm sleeping so I have to come to class in my PJs?" he asked, eyes shining.

Dean stood on his chair, looking around franticly with wide eyes. "What? Why would you say that? I thought you were my best friend? You're not…you're pretending! You're trying to kill me! You're ALL trying to kill me! You're plotting at this very moment! Using some sort of secret code! You're not even speaking English, are you? You're speaking GERMAN! THE GERMANS ARE TRYING TO MURDER ME! But I won't let you get me…I WON'T!" 

The class was silent again, and yet, like in every comical pause, a couple of coughs could be heard in the background. And as usual…they all decided to ignore him.

"Why would we do something like that Seamus? You're absolutely right," Lavender fawned, petting his head.

"But…I'm always right…and everyone…and the objects…always throwing stuff…" Seamus wasn't making much sense, and the rest of the class was quickly losing patience. Seamus realized this and promptly shut up, bending over his parchment and finishing the homework. Suddenly, a baseball smashed through the window, smacking Seamus on the back of the head and causing him to black out on his work.

Harry picked up the ball from between their desks and walked over to the window with the baseball-sized hole smashed in it. He pushed the window open, poking his head out.

"Sorry!" the kid from Dennis the Menace stood directly below the window, hands cupped around his mouth to magnify the sound.

Harry was just about to say 'no problem' and throw the ball back down when Mr. Wilson bounded into the classroom, pushing Harry out of the way and screaming out the window. "DENNNNNNNISSSSSSS!"

"Oh crap…not this moron again," Dennis mumbled, running as fast as his tiny, tiny legs would carry him away from the castle. 

Mr. Wilson stood up on the window ledge and jumped, arms outstretched. Harry watched as spider webs shot out of his wrists, attaching themselves to seemingly nothing like in the old crappy cartoon as he swung in pursuit of his scrambling young neighbor. 

It wasn't until the old man and the kid disappeared into the distance that Harry took his seat, wondering why the professor hadn't stopped any of the activities that occurred in class that day…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

#@!$**And now time for a random argument between Ron and Hermione:**!@#$

"Ron, you can't blame everything on that stupid imaginary elf!" Hermione scolded. 

"But…but…" Ron stammered.

"No buts! Take some responsibility for your actions!" she growled, stomping off down the hallway.

Ron stood there, staring after her. Just then silent giggling could be heard from the corner, one curly-toed green show disappearing into shadows.

"Damn you giggles…one day…one day," Ron proclaimed silently to himself, looking up to the sky…or the ceiling…whatever.

!@#$**Now** **Back to our regular program!@#$**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Their last class of the day was Transfiguration, and Harry was fairly interested to see how Professor McGonagall would be able to teach in her current…condition. You see, due to a mishap with her animagus form, Professor McGonagall was now stuck as a cat until Dumbledore could be informed. And seeing as no one can ever find Dumbledore when he's most needed, and the fact that he disappears for months at a time without notice, the professor would be stuck as a cat for a pretty long time.

Now, being stuck as an animagus for long periods of time apparently has some weird side effects. Other then the fact that the professor would chase loose threads on her students' clothing during class; she was also starting to look oddly…animated. And by animated I don't mean she was suddenly full of life. We're talking cartoon animated. 

Professor McGonagall was no longer an orange tabby cat with spectacle markings around her eyes…her fur had darkened to black and she now had a crescent-shape moon marking on her forehead. She insisted the students call her "Luna" and for some reason she kept calling out "Serena" during roll call…which was weird because there was no Serena in their class.

Everyone sat at their desks, talking quietly amongst themselves until the class began. The famous trio, Harry Ron and Hermione, sat together, talking about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…and how the Quaker Oats guy reminds them of Freddie Krueger. Draco sat with Crabbe and Goyle, his two cronies who always wore strange, Sherlock Holmes-type outfits everyday. They even had the pencil mustaches and the one-lens spectacles. Those things are cool actually…I want one.

And now it's time to spontaneously introduce a new character who for some reason was never mentioned before…and I'm supposed to make you believe she was there the whole time. I'm allowed to you know…cause I'm the all-powerful, omnipotent author. Muahahaa!

Beside Draco and his fangirls sat Lihrakzarnoggin, an exchange student from Calgary. At first glance she looked a bit strange, what with her seven red eyes and green skin and all, but as she reminded them again and again, she was from Canada. This seemed to explain it all, and the students accepted her as one of their own…but Harry wasn't sure there was such a city as "Zukuzki" in Calgary.

Other then her…unique…appearance, Lihrakzarnoggin was different from the other students in other ways. For one thing, she could be seen in the corner of the Gryffindor common room once in a while, speaking into her foot in an undistinguishable language. She also had a very strange-looking wand. The exchange student swore it was just a water gun attachment for her wand, but Harry could've sworn there was a pencil sharpener on there somewhere and she was hiding it for mysterious reasons. Why a magical being would need a pencil sharpener he did not know, considering they used quills and all, but Harry hadn't been feeling well in the mental department lately. Probably some sort of brain flu he guessed.

Another strange thing Harry had noticed about this Canadian exchange student was that she drew many pictures all over her binders, usually depicting some sort of tea saucer crushing little ant-like insects. On closer inspection, one of the ants was wearing glasses and had a tiny scar on its forehead, but Harry made nothing of it. 

This transfiguration lesson was probably one of the strangest experiences in Harry's strange, strange life. The students were all working silently when Professor McGonagall pounced on Harry's head, screeching in that annoying Luna sailor moon voice, screaming something about "Use the wand! Use the wand!" Harry picked up his wand, getting ready to curse the Professor, when she knocked it out of his hand, scratching at his face with her cartoon claws. "Not that wand! The moon wand! It's the _Nega__ Verse."_

Harry had no idea what she was talking about. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"…told ya. Reaching for his wand with his foot, he tried to pry her off his face, but she was pretty strong for a cartoon cat. 

"Serena! Transform!" 

At this point Ron had looked up from his work, casually smacking the professor over the head with his textbook and watching as she crumpled to the floor.

"Thanks Ron…I thought she was gonna kill me! Good thing you saved me in time," Harry panted, picking up his wand from the floor.

"Saved you?" Ron blinked, tilting his head. 

"Of course…she was going mad…" Harry blinked back, eyebrows furrowed.

"Was she?" Ron shrugged. "Didn't notice…" He looked down at the professor, twitching on the floor. "Got her good…no homework for tonight." He grinned his Weasley grin, throwing all his books into the trash, including the textbooks from other subjects.

"Umm…Ron. You might need those later…" Harry tried to explain, but was stopped by Hermione.

"Let him Harry. Once he gets an idea in his head, you'd be hard pressed to make him believe anything else. Why do you think he's always going on about the aliens building the Taj Mahal?" She explained, looking at Ron out of the corner of her eye.

At this Lihrakzarnoggin, the exchange student from Calgary, turned in her chair, raising her water gun/wand to Ron's head. "You know too much, young grasshopper," she muttered, pressing on the trigger.

"Ooo, a penny!" Ron bent down to pick it up, narrowly missing the laser shooting out of the wand/water gun, disintegrating the wall behind him. Straightening back up, Ron looked a tad disappointed. "Only a piece of lint...and where's this grasshopper everyone's talking about?"

Once again Seamus piped up, looking over at the corner occupied by the author. "If you don't mind be interrupting, I would like to point out that a penny could not have attracted the eye of Ronald Weasley. For one thing, we are in the magical world, where pennies do not exist. For another thing, we are also in the U.K., where pennies also do not exist. So I suggest you change that part of the story, just to be as accurate as poss-"

Just then a streak of light hit Seamus in the back, turning him to ash. 

"My bad," Ron carefully put the water gun/wand back on the exchange student's desk, backing away from the pile of Seamus.

"Oh _Serena," Professor McGonagall, finally awaking from her minor coma, gave Harry a disdainful look._

Harry looked around for this famous Serena, finally blinking as he realized she was talking to him. "My name ISN'T Serena, and what did _I_ do! Ron was the one who blasted him!"

"I didn't know all that stuff about the wicked witch of the west melting because of the water applied to wizards! So sue me!" Ron grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Several goblins wearing suits then burst into the room, walking towards Ron. "Ronald Weasley?" One of them asked him in his high-pitched, squeaky voice.

"That's me," he answered, poking the goblin with his quill, wondering if he would do the pop n' fresh laugh.

"Stop that! Consider yourself served…" He threw a folder onto Ron's desk, looking smug.

"What! You can't sue me! It was a legitimate poke!" Ron cried out, looking at the folder as if it was on fire.

"Not for THAT you idiot! We are the lawyers of the pile of ashes formerly known as Seamus Finnigan," The rest of the Goblins behind the head one nodded. "Now if you'll excuse us…" They shuffled out of the room, closing the door behind them.

Harry blinked, the goblin lawyers making him lose his train of thought. "Where were we?"

"I believe I was calling you Serena and you were getting angry and blaming all your problems on someone else, as usual." Professor McGonagall answered.

"Ah yes, thank you professor." Harry cleared his throat. "I believe it's your line now." 

"Jolly good…I believe you can fix this poor boy. Serena, you must take out the moon wand and yell 'moon healing activation', then do a strange circle around yourself in mid-air until this flash of light fixes Seamus somehow." The professor explained.

"What moon wand? What the hell are you talking about?" Harry was getting impatient, and the fact that Ron had begun to speak into his walkie-talkie again was only adding to the annoyance.

"SERENA! TRANSFORM ALREADY! I BET RAY WOULD NEVER BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE!"

Harry didn't know why, but being compared to this mysterious "Ray" irked him. "I'm ten times better then Ray! I am the leader of sailor scouts DAMN IT! And my hair is SO much cooler! I mean, come on! Who else but me could pull off the whole meatball hair thing?!" Harry's eyes widened…he had no friggin idea where that came from. Who the hell were the sailor scouts?

Just when the professor was about the pounce on Harry again and probably be pummeled by Ron for the second time, Filch burst into the room, sweeping Seamus into a dustpan and exiting promptly.

"Well I guess that ends that then," Harry turned back to his work and the transfiguration professor slinking back over towards her desk. 

Ron whimpered from his seat, poking at the folder lying on his desk. "Hermioneeeee," he whined, poking her in the side. "Fix this!"

Hermione sighed, pointing her wand at his desk and muttering a complicated spell that she probably made up herself cause she's just so damned smart, watching as the folder turned into a swan.

"How's that supposed to help me?" Ron asked, secretly wanting to cuddle to pretty swan…or Hermione…whatever.

"Don't worry Ron, you're covered," she answered, turning back to her work.

****Somewhere in a distant land…or a couple of feet outside Hogwarts' front doors****

The Goblins can be seen screaming in agony as their lovely wrinkly old skin turns pink, their stylish Italian suits transforming into pretty pink dresses, trimmed with lace. 

"OH THE AGONY!" The head Goblin screamed, promptly jumping into the lake and drowning, followed by the others.

****Back in Class****

"Hey! Look! Cotton Candy in the lake!" Lavender called out, turning away from the window.

Hermione grinned evilly from behind her text.

"Oooo! It's the Boston candy party!" Parvati spoke in her usual misty tone, standing next to Lavender by the window.

"We're in London dumbass," Ron replied, poking at the swan on his desk. "I shall call it…Mini me," Ron muttered to himself, spotting Hermione's wicked grin from behind her book. "What exactly did you do Hermione?" 

She lowered her book, looking innocently bossy, in the usual Hermione way. "Nothing Ronny," she patted his ginger head, talking in one of those odd, annoying baby voices. "Hermiowne fix evwything fow widdle wonny," she cooed, petting him. 

Ron smiled happily, purring.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ta Da! I'll try to take less time writing the next chapter! Woot!

Just wanna say thanks to Nicola for not forgetting about me, lol! Still love ya! And Cheryl and Draco, miss you both! And of course Venix. Lol.

And now, for my Haiku:

I like to write stuff

Making people laugh is fun

I hope you review

Lol! You better review people! Pleeeeease! Or I'll take 8 years with the next one!


	7. Now introducing Lee jordan

**Author's Notes: **Dude, I didn't take several thousand years this time! BOO YA!

Nothing much to say, so I'll just add in some random words:

Gofer

Cartwheel

Mud

Pickle

Chew

I think that's good enough. Watching Scooby Doo. Fun stuff.

**Chapter 7**

The weekend had finally rolled around at Hogwarts and all the students were relieved. Well, all except Ron, who was forced to run naked around the grounds by the leaders of the SFOC (Shadowy figures of censorship), so they could test out their black boxes. Hermione, outwardly showing her disgust for his participation in the testing, would secretly hide in bushes, taking pictures with a muggle camera.

It was a perfect day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the kids were playing outside in the fields, and the goblin lawyers could be seen floating in the lake (Filch still hadn't gotten around to fishing them out…although they did make very lovely pink decorations). Our infamous trio, lead by the scar-headed Harry Potter, had just finished their breakfast and were heading out of the Great Hall towards the exit. As the three neared the huge oak front doors, Ron became increasingly nervous.

"Keep your eyes peeled for anything…_fishy,_" He whispered conspiratorially, looking around franticly out of the corners of his eyes. Harry ignored him, used to this behavior coming from his best friend, walking towards the doors and reaching out the push them open.

"The eagle is landing…I repeat…the eagle is landing," The red head muttered into a walkie-talkie, watching Harry's actions closely.

"RON! COULD YOU STOP THAT! You KNOW that thing doesn't even work!" Hermione yelled out, frustrated. Harry might've been able to ignore Ron, but Hermione found it a little more difficult.

"She's onto us…I'm taking her down," He muttered into the useless object again, placing it back into his pocket calmly before doing a flying leap-tackle towards Hermione. Harry was able to avoid the tackle just in time, pushing open the door and stepping out. His two best friends continued to wrestle on the floor behind him as he jogged down the stairs and onto the front lawn of Hogwarts School, Hermione's fangs extending in preparation for attack. Good thing they remembered to cork them this morning while she was asleep.

"Hiya Harry!" A mousy-haired boy appeared out of literally no where, holding a camera in his hand.

"Hi Colin," Harry answered dully, looking around the grounds for someone to run towards before the kid annoyed the hell out of him.

"Can I get a picture Harry? Please? You never give me a picture…please can I have one? And a blood sample…perhaps a lock of hair…" He rambled on, skipping around Harry with his camera poised for attack.

"Maybe later…hey Dean!" Harry yelled, happy to see someone to talk to other then Colin, running towards his friend.

A strange, deep, demonic voice suddenly emitted from Colin's mouth. "Damn that Potter…always escaping my clutches just in time…one day I'll capture his soul in my camera…and the world will be MIIIIIIIIIINE!" He cackled, like those bad guys in really bad movies, seeping into the ground.

Harry stopped in front of Dean Thomas, grinning. "Hey Dean, what's up?" He asked casually, hands in his pockets.

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Why? What did you hear? Are people talking about me? I KNEW it! I always knew they all hated me…you're trying to kill me, aren't you Harry? AREN'T YOU? Tell me! Tell me!" Dean scrambled behind a nearby tree, eye twitching.

Harry just continued to stand there, smiling. "That's nice…"

"Package for a Mr. H. Potter," a guy in an owl costume stood behind Harry, a clipboard in one artificial feathered wing and a large brown parcel in the other.

"That's me," Harry turned to face the owl postman, taking the parcel from him and signing his name on the clipboard. "Want some crackers?" He asked with a smirk.

"Those are parrots, moron," he grumbled, turning on a heel and walking back to his owl post mobile. "Everyone's a comedian."

Harry watched the owl post mobile drive off down the drive, waiting till it disappeared out of sight before ripping one side of the brown paper open, painfully slowly, so as to make it all dramatic and stuff. Just then…once again at the most convenient time…Cho Chang burst onto the scene, holding her overlarge hanky in one hand.

"Oh HARRY!" She flung herself on him, hugging him in a death grip. "I'm…I'm just so DEPRESSED!" She shrilled hysterically, tears running down her face. "Life is just HORRIBLE Harry! HORRIBLE!" She shook him wildly, eyes wide and rimmed with tears.

Harry, once again, just stood there smiling, head lolling around with the force of her shaking. "That's nice…"

His un-sympathetic reaction and the lack of comforting snogs sent Cho into a rage, pushing him away and sending him reeling backwards. "YOU DON'T CARE, DO YOU HARRY! YOU NEVER CARED! I'LL JUST GO FIND PROFESSOR SNAPE! AT LEAST HE'S SENSITIVE!" she screeched, running back towards the school, her hands covering her face.

Harry continued on his way, ripping at his now-damp package, wondering what other surprises and neurotic people he would meet along the way. He finally tore away the last shred of paper, looking down at the roughly-carved wooden box in his hands.

"What the f-"

"-RIDAY!" Ron, with his oh-so-impeccable timing, ran up behind him, smacking him roughly on the back and causing the box to tumble from his grasp and into the air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Hermione screamed with a strangely deep, drawn-out voice, diving towards the flying box with a flourish. She tumbled to the floor, then jumped to her feet and raised the snitch triumphantly in the air.

"150 POINTS, GRYFFINDOR WINS!" Lee Jordan screamed into his microphone, hanging upside down from a nearby tree. Everyone cheered…except, of course, the Slytherins…and Harry, who was extremely confused.

"HEY! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE QUIDDITCH HERO!" He yelled, completely forgetting about the box.

"Oh grow up Harry, you don't even get to play Quidditch in the 5th book and we STILL win," Hermione huffed, letting the snitch go. "You're just jealous of my superior talents!"

Just then, Seamus, finally out of the Hospital Wing, spoke up. "Umm…was I the only one who noticed there were no brooms involved? And since there were no other players…no others balls…and Hermione was not airborne…it couldn't possibly be considered a Quidditch ma-"

"-SHUT UP FINNIGAN," all the onlookers screamed, throwing various objects at him, someone ultimately knocking the poor boy out with a grocery cart. So…once again…the smart one gets hurt in the end…and insanity reigns supreme. Oh the joys of Cola.

When the fight finally subsided several hours later, Hermione had tried to kill both Harry and Professor Flitwick, Ron had gone out for ice cream and was now lying under a tree with his stomach bulging, Harry had successfully used thirty different curse words to describe Hermione's arse, and Malfoy's heart finally grew…all thanks to Cindy Lou.

I shall not go into the details, because it is more comical for the reader to make up the fight in their heads, so there. Oh, and Malfoy's heart didn't stay that way for long, they figured out it was just heartburn and it was fixed in a matter of minutes thanks to the wonderful makers of Tums tablets…so no fear to Draco fans, he's still a git.

"Well this is all well and good, but I've got to wash this pie out of my hair," Harry grimaced, picking a piece of crust from his bangs, then walking over to his new wooden box and picking it up off the grass.

"TO THE COMMON ROOM!" Ron bellowed dramatically.

Harry and Hermione stared at him.

"Sorry, still in Batman and Robin mode," he explained.

"Well if you didn't notice, I'M batman…only I'm allowed to say that line," Harry gave Ron a searching glare, then turned on his heel and stalked off towards the main doors.

Ron pouted. "He always gets the good lines. And why do I have to wear the GREEN tights? They don't even match my hair!"

_Stop talking to yourself you psycho._

Ron gasped. "Giggles! You evil little elf…"

_Giggle._

"Stop tormenting me!" Ron cried.

_Giggle. Not until you give me back my whistle._

"Ron? Who are you talking to?" Hermione blinked.

"Giggles! Don't you see her?"

But of course she couldn't, for you see, Giggles had already disappeared.

"Ron…you need help," Hermione shook her head, following the already long-gone Harry through the front doors.

"DAMN YOU GIGGLES!" Ron growled, running towards the doors after Hermione.

_Giggle._

Later that evening Harry, Hermione, and Ron were seated together in front of the common room fire, talking about life, love, and how they get the caramel inside the Caramilk bar.

"I think it's dinosaurs…" Ron answered matter-of-factly.

"Now how does THAT make sense?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"I dunno…it makes just about as much sense as this conversation," Ron shrugged.

Harry and Hermione agreed.

"So did you open the box yet Harry?" Hermione asked, looking at the wooden object lying by Harry's foot.

"Oh, totally forgot about it…" he replied, bending over to pick it up. Soft giggles could be heard from the corner.

"It's that damned elf again!" Ron exclaimed.

"Who? Dobby?" Harry blinked.

"No…it's Harry's fan club…don't worry Harry, just ignore them. They're harmless really…just give them a pair of your underwear and they're docile for hours," Hermione explained.

"My underwear?" Harry's eyes widened.

"Give it here Harry," Ron reached towards the box.

"…did you give them my underwear?" Harry continued to hold the box in his hands.

"Only a couple of pairs," Hermione shrugged once again.

"Just open it already!" Ron growled, getting impatient.

"Why my underwear? Why not a sock?" Harry asked.

"It just seemed right at the time!" Hermione huffed.

"OH, JUST GIVE IT TO ME!" Ron grabbed the box out of Harry's hands, opening the lid and peering in. His jaw dropped and a gasp of astonishment emitted from his open mouth…it must've been something REALLY amazing and terrible. "Harry…I-I…these…these are…"

Hermione growled with impatience and gave Ron a good open-handed smacked on the back of the head. "Just say it already! You don't have to add suspense in just for dramatic purposes EVERY time you speak." She rolled her eyes, getting ready to smack him again.

Ron continued as if he hadn't heard her…or felt the blow to his skull. "These…these are…CUBAN cigars!" The paintings around him gasped as Ron proclaimed this to the empty common room, picking one cigar out of the box and sniffing it.

Harry looked more then a little confused…as usual. "B-but…aren't these supposed to be magic cigars, or something? With, like, secret powers…so this story can actually develop a plot?"

"No you nitwit. Cubans! The best kind! And I'm not talking about the delightful refugees kept in basements…" He bit of one end of the cigar and lit the other end with his wand, stuffing the end into his mouth.

"How do you know so much about cigars anyway, Ron?" Hermione asked, watching him inhale deeply.

He exhaled a puff of thick smoke before answering. "Peer pressure's a killer."

"So…no adventure? No possible death for me? No acts of heroism by me? No parade for me?" Harry's eyes were wide and full of sadness…like a puppy's. A very Harry puppy. Ha! Get it? Harry puppy...hairy puppy...I made a funny!

"Don't worry Harry...someone will try to kill you eventually. It's only the first week," Hermione patted his back comfortingly.

Harry smiled through the tears…so brave. "Thanks Hermione, you always know how to make me feel better."

"Hey…enough with the sappy crap already…" Ron glared.

"Jealous," Harry stuck out his tongue, grabbing the box away from Ron. "So…what do we do now?"

"Go to bed I guess," Ron shrugged.

"Well this sucks royal a-"

"-pple," Ron interrupted.

"Censorship sucks, Ron," Hermione interjected, a disappointed look on her face. "Night Harry, sleep well."

"Night Hermione," Harry replied.

"Censorship does NOT suck! Or at least that's what the microchip inside my head tells me!" Ron yelled to her angrily, getting off his chair in front of the fire and stomping up the stairs to his dorm.

"My life makes no sense," Harry whispered to himself, following Ron's path up to their dorm.

That's right Harry…and it'll only get worse. Muahahahhhha!

Cough

This is the part where I say Harry tosses and turns in his bed, then wakes up from a particularly horrible dream that reveals a lot about the plot and gives away some foreshadowing. But, I'm not like other authors, so screw that…

"Haaaaaaarry."

Harry bolted up in bed at the sound of his name, breathing heavily. He peeked out of the heavy bed curtains, searching around the dark dormitory for the source of the noise. Unable to spot anything out of the ordinary…except Ron, who was sitting beside Harry's bed with a rifle lying in his lap, fast asleep…Harry closed the curtains around his bed again and lied back on his pillow, staring at the material of the canopy overhead.

Just as his eyes closed, Harry heard that strange, eerie sound again.

"Haaaaaaaaaaarry," it called to him, causing Harry's eyes to snap open, sitting up again and not moving, perking his ears to distinguish whether or not it was Cho trying to get into his bed again. This time the voice was closer, right beside his bed. It was a wonder the rest of his roommates couldn't hear it as well…oh the magic of selective hearing.

"Ebenezer Scroooooooge," Harry heard this time, quirking an eyebrow. He then heard a faint cough, and the clearing of a throat, and the ghostly voice spoke again. "I mean…Harrrrrrrry Poooootter."

Harry pulled apart the curtains again, coming face to face with…

"Dobby?" He whispered, causing the houseelf to squeak with fright.

"Harry Potter, sir, Dobby is most sorry, but this nice ghostly gentlemen said he wanted to see Harry Potter. And Dobby, being the obedient and unintelligent servant of the better and wiser population of earth, let him in, sir. Please don't be cross, sir…because, you see, I am only here to make more powerful and courageous and intelligent people happy," Dobby rambled while Harry sat there and blinked, betting on everything he was that Hermione had already gotten to Dobby, and that the elf was being sarcastic…no duh, Harry.

"Dobby…did you say you let a ghost into my room?" He interrupted, his eyes sweeping around the pitch black room but not able to spot anything.

Dobby looked a bit miffed at being cut off, but answered nonetheless. "Yes, oh great and powerful Harry Potter, sir. Dobby begged the ghost not to use the cliché ghostly 'name calling in the night' thing, but the ghost did not listen to Dobby…because Dobby is just a lowly servant and does not deserve to be listened t-"

Harry cut him off again, eyebrows furrowed. "Well then where is it? I don't see any- WAH!" He screamed as a transparent man in a tweed suit appeared directly in between Dobby and himself. The ghost screamed as well, his chains rattling and making a loud racket…and yet…surprise surprise…nobody else in the room woke up.

The ghost flipped Dobby a coin, waiting till the houseelf gave a very over exaggerated bow in Harry's direction and scurried out of the room, cackling madly.

"Hey," the ghost said to Harry in way of greeting, nodding his head.

Harry blinked, slowly raising an eyebrow in a comical fashion. "Hey?" He answered back, making it sound more like a question.

"What's up?" The ghost sniffed, floating around in between Harry's bed and the window next to it.

Harry opened his curtains wider, sitting cross-legged facing the ghost, back towards the closed curtains which Ron was sitting in front of. "Umm…sitting here talking to you…" He answered, chewing on his lower lip.

"Coo coo," the ghost replied, looking around the room casually.

"Umm…did you have a reason to be here…or is this a social call?" Harry asked, twiddling his thumbs.

The ghosts head snapped back to look at Harry, his eyebrows knit together as if in thought. "Oh yeeeeeeeah!" He slapped his transparent forehead, hand going right through. "Just gimme a sec," he coughed, clearing his throat and doing some face and voice exercises. "Ok…ready," he sniffed again, his hands extending straight out in front of him, the chains rattling. "Harrrrrrry Pottttttter," he began. "I am the ghoooost of your partner, Bob Marleyyyyy!"

Harry interrupted. "Isn't it Jacob Marley?"

The ghost shrugged, sniffing again. "Whatever…I am here to tell you to stooooop your selllllfish wayyyyyys-"

Harry interrupted again. "-Umm…I think you've got the wrong book/slash movie. I'm Harry Potter, not Scrooge. I like Tiny Tim. I gave him a cookie yesterday…"

"Harry Potter?" The ghost dropped his arms to his sides, tilting his head to the side thoughtfully. "Are you the frog that's in love with that ugly pig?"

"That's Kermit," Harry replied. "And I actually think that pig's kinda cute…"

"Well, let's see here," the ghost mumbled, searching through a light blue tote bag. "Grandma's teeth…phone book…old piece of cheese…bone…oh, so THAT'S where my miniature Frodo doll went!"

Harry waited while the ghost mumbled to himself.

"Aha!" the ghost let out a triumphant cry, pulling out a rolodex and flipping through it. "Ok…let's see here…the Fonz…no, Reagan…Lincoln…Wishbone…Potter, Harry. Excellent. Says here you're a code 436 785 5."

"Ok…" Harry sat there, feeling very confused.

"So, let's try this again, shall we?" the ghost cleared its throat.

Harry waited patiently.

"Harrrrrrrry, you will be visited by threeeeeee ghosts…listen to them…learn their ways…remember the advice they give you…because it will be important later on in the stoooooory…oh crap, I just gave away the foreshadowing," the ghost sighed. "I was never good with secre-"

The ghost was cut off as another figure seeped through Harry's bed curtains.

"Harry…" Labored breath. "I am your father…" Labored breath. "Buy Kentucky fried chicken…" Labored breath. "Mmm Mmm good." Labored breath.

"Darth Vader?" Harry gasped, extremely happy…for you see, Harry was a star wars fan, but anyway. He was so happy he didn't even realize that the 'Mmm Mmm good' catch phrase is actually Campbell's soup, and NOT KFC. But whatever.

With more labored breathing, the ghost slipped off his mask, revealing…

"COLONEL SANDERS?"

"Sanders! I told you I'd beep you when I was done my whole three ghosts speech! WHY do you insist on interrupting my dramatic speeches EVERY TIME…EVERY TIME!" The first ghost shook his fist at the cool KFC dude…the fist of anger.

"Sorry…I dropped the beeper in the toilet…seeing as I'm not able to hold solid objects because I'm just a figment of Harry's imagination…"

"…DAMN IT! YOU RUINED THE FRIGGIN GHOST SEQUENCE! SCREW YOU SANDERS!"

"Ummm…sorry to interrupt…but I was kinda wondering if I'm ever going to get some sleep tonight," Harry piped up, his hands clasped in his lap.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't, seeing as Colonel Grease Chops over here is constantly ruining people's lives…" the unnamed ghost glared.

"It's not MY fault I got that free muffin basket and you didn't," the Colonel shrugged casually.

"You STOLE mine!" the ghost steamed.

"Hey! Dumb and dumber! Can you please just get to the point!" Harry yelled.

"Only if HE leaves!"

"Fine!" Colonel Sanders gave an exasperated sigh, disappearing with a 'pop'.

"Good…now what was I saying," the ghost pondered.

"…three ghosts coming to visit…" Harry urged.

"Right. Ghosts, visit, important info, buy chicken…Oh, my poem! I almost forgot!"

"Poem?" Harry raised a brow.

"Yeah…hold on, let me try to remember. Ok…"

The ghost cleared his throat, and then began to recite.

"_In a place where life is sweet_

_With many things to see and eat_

_Where secrets will never be told_

_Below the wood, you'll find the gold._"

Harry looked unimpressed. "That made no sense."

"Oh give me a break, it was really early and I had a paper due the next day," the ghost pouted.

"So…are you done?" Harry asked.

"Pretty much, yeah," the ghost replied.

"Good," Harry said. "Now go away."

"Geez, I thought you were supposed to be NICE," the ghost shrugged.

"Life has jaded me," Harry answered.

"Fine, I'm outtie."

"Wait! What if I need to get in touch with you?" Harry asked.

"Just whistle…you know how to whistle don't you? You just put your lips together…and blow into this!" the ghost then blew into a silver whistle.

_Giggle._

"What was that?" Harry looked around., searching for the source of that giggle.

Damn that elf.

"I dunno..." the ghost looked around. "But I'm totally creeped out now."

"You're a ghost…" Harry blinked.

"So, doesn't mean I can't get scared. Ghosts were people once you know."

"Yeah, sleeping now," Harry closed the curtains around his bed, lying his head down and falling asleep in matter of minutes.

"Shot doooooown…" Neville mumbled in his sleep.

The ghost hung his head in shame, disappearing through a wall.

Ok, this has to be my favorite chapter so far. You better like it, cause I sure do. Lol.

Although, I kinda forgot how to write properly and kept sporadically putting capitals after quotations. Whatever.

AND PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE! SO I KNOW IM NOT WRITING THIS FOR NOBODY!

Cry Sob Wail

Yeah…shoutouts to all my new reviewers. And for my continuous reviewers…you are all officially cool. (That's means you Gred! Lol!)

sunflower seed- I don't golf…how bout cow tipping? And I don't know about that whole fur thing…cruelty to animals and such.

galaxysong9- No way! Lita all the way! Omg…I know the characters from Sailor Moon. Shoot me now.

Addy- Too many reviews to reply to, but I can say one thing: You make me laugh my ass off. I thought I was supposed to be the funny one?

Orca- Lol, thanks! I try…well…not really. I'm just insane.

backsplash007- You rock my socks. I write for people like you. Lol…and I constantly fall out of my chair…but that's from all the alcohol. I mean…don't drink and drive kids!

mELiNroZ- Wow, I had no idea. Makes sense though! Puts his daughter in every scene cause she can't actually act. So sad.

I was so going to write something else here, but I completely forget. Please don't mind any typos that may come up in this chapter. Really tired. Off to bed with me.


	8. Hagrid's new pet

**Author's Notes: **I'm back…poor you. I finally got time enough to write some strange, pointless junk. Yay!

I'm eternally sorry to all my RP friends for neglecting them. I'm just so busy I barely have time to check my email, let alone chat. So, forgive! I am still here! Not dead! Very much alive! 

…I think…

DUN DUN DAAAAAA!

Yeah, and to the family of Colleen…you have suffered a great loss, as have I. I wish all the best to you, and hope for many blessings in the future. Just know she's in heaven with God, watching over us all…and playing poker with Beethoven. Lol.

This is dedicated to my dear friend Colleen, a.k.a. "Turkey Lady". Love you forever.

**Chapter 8**

The next morning Harry awoke to a bright new day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the deer were prancing, and the smell of Ron's morning breath wafted through the air. Well…it was actually a dark, rainy day…but I needed a reason to add in the Cinderella mice…

It was days like this that made Harry think about the one good thing about the Dursleys' house…his little rodent friends. 

"Oh Gus…" Harry sighed, tilting his head up to the ceiling in preparation for a flashback….

~*~*~*~

_"HARRY POTTER!" __Vernon__ Dursley bellowed, his voice carrying up the stairs and through the bedroom door of the teenaged, scar-headed boy._

_"Yes Uncle Vernon?" Harry yelled back._

_"You get down here this instant and take out the garbage! Then you can vacuum, wash the dishes, clean out the…"_

_Vernon carried on with the list of chores Harry had to do, while Harry himself got dressed for a day of hard labor._

_Suddenly, a tiny squeak of a voice drifted up from below. "Damn the government for abandoning child labor laws in favor of free ice cream on Tuesdays…"_

_Harry smiled down at his little mousey friend. "It's alright, I don't mind only getting vanilla time after time…"_

_ The mouse sniffed sadly._

_"Well, I better get off to work!" Harry skipped out of the room, the brave, brave boy._

_The rest of the mice surfaced, gathering around, singing a little tune and doing a little dance._

_"Harry Potter_

_Harry potter_

_Night and day it's Harry Potter!_

_Make the fire, fix the breakfast_

_Wash the dishes do the mopping_

_And the sweeping and the dusting…"_

~*~*~*~

Harry wiped away a tear. "I loved that dress…damn Dudley and his jealousy!"

Seamus, stirred by Harry's conversation with himself, poked his head out of the curtains of his bed. "That flashback made no sense, for if you were downstairs and out of the vicinity of your room, how were you able to know exactly what the mice were doing or saying at the time? I won't even mention the fact that mice can not talk…not even in the magical world."

Harry sighed unhappily. "Well if that didn't make sense, then neither does the fact that you could see what I was thinking…"

Seamus thought for a second. "Touché…" he answered, disappearing behind his curtains again.

Harry got up from his bed, once again becoming depressed and moody due to lack of mice and birds to help him dress. Maybe this was the reason Harry was such a jackass in the fifth book. Am I even allowed to say that word? Oh well, too late.

As soon as Harry was dressed, he ran towards the door of the dorm, stepping out.

"Harry, where are you going? School doesn't start for an hour!" Ron called out after him.

"Got to talk to someone, see you in Charms!" Harry yelled back, closing the door and rushing down the stairs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry had been running through the hallways of Hogwarts for months, days, hours, even MINUTES, looking for the disgruntled elf otherwise known as Dobby.

"Damn it…he used to automatically show up last  year when I was in trouble, and now he's never around when I need him," Harry grumbled, running around a corner and tripping over a tipped garbage can with 'die humans die' written on it in green paint.

"This paint is fresh…the elf must be nearby!" a short, stocky man kneeled over the garbage can, observing.

"Brilliant deduction…but…who ARE you?" Harry asked.

"Watson, sir. My name is Watson," the man smiled.

Harry shrugged. "Have any idea where Dobby could've gone?" 

"No clue…I'm the sidekick…I'm only supposed to make comments here and there and say lines which allow Sherlock to say 'brilliant deduction Watson'."

"Well, ok then, I guess I'll look for him myself."

"Wait! Are you in need of an investigative sidekick? Because I seemed to have lost Sherlock somewhere in Burma…" Watson asked, his eyes shining with hope.

"Sorry, I've already got a sidekick. And he's got red hair…"

Watson looked disappointed. "Damn it…always getting shafted for the redheads…" he got to his feet, bowing his head and disappearing.

Harry once again started on his journey to find Dobby. Well, it's not really a journey, but I couldn't think of another word. I seemed to have misplaced my thesaurus. 

Harry was in the middle of using an inappropriate word to let out his frustrations, when he spotted Dobby at the end of the hall, cackling madly and writing 'elf power' on the walls.

"Dobby!" Harry exclaimed, running towards him.

"Ah crap," Dobby muttered under his breath.

"Dobby, I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Greeeeeat," Dobby said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, I know!" Harry exclaimed obliviously, resting against the freshly drawn-on wall. "Do you have a minute?"

Dobby exhaled angrily. "Oh yes sir, anything for you Harry Potter sir! Not like Dobby has anything BETTER to do, being a lowly insignificant servant."

Harry nodded. "That's the spirit! Well, let's walk, I've got to make it to my next class and I'll talk to you on the way."

Dobby grumbled and followed Harry down the hall towards his next class.

"So, I was wondering Dobby, about yesterday night…if the ghosts were just a figment of my imagination…how were you able to see them?" Harry made his way down the corridor with Dobby in tow, the elf trying to catch up with the young wizard.

"Well…seeing as you are _so_ superior to Dobby, Dobby _never_ thought to share his _unimportant_ life with that of _famous_ Harry Potter," The elf, sarcastic as usual, skipped over the question.

"Dobby, quit it with the angry elf sarcasm and answer my question!" He tried not to yell, turning the corner as they reached the end of the hall.

"Oh of _course_ sir, Dobby is _sorry_, sir, Dobby does not _deserve to be listened to because __Dobby speaks in third person…"_

"DOBBY!"

"Alright! Alright! Keep yer shorts on," Dobby grumbled, quite out of character. "You see, Harry Potter sir, Dobby…" At this the elf stopped in front of Harry, causing Harry to nearly trip over him. Harry bent down as the houseelf motioned him to the come near, wondering what could be so important. "_Dobby sees dead people_" The elf whispered.

"Really?!" Harry gasped, getting to his feet and continuing to walk down the hall. "That's amazing! Oh hi Nick…" Harry waved as the ghost passed by, then turned his attention back to the elf. "You can really see dead people?"

"Yes Harry Potter sir! They walk around…like normal people. Dobby does not think they know they are dead," the elf looked around frightened, spotting the Bloody Baron nearby and squeaking. 

"Hi Baron," Harry waved and once again addressed the elf. "That's some talent you got there…maybe we should bring you on Ricky Lake or something…" At this Harry stopped his walking, looking up at the ceiling and stroking his chin. Dobby screamed and ran as the world rippled around them, making way for an 'I wonder what would happen…' sequence.

**Rippling Harp Music**

"And now back to Ricky Lake!" The delightful, chubby host twittered into the microphone. "Today on our show we have Dobby the Houseelf…who claims he can see ghosts."

The audience cheered, jumping up and down as the camera panned over them.

"Now Dobby…when did you start seeing these ghosts?" Ricky asked, as the camera swung around the reveal a very uncomfortable Dobby sitting in between a transvestite leprechaun and a half man/half groundhog who was being made-over to satisfy his/it's girlfriend.

**Rippling Harp Music**

"Dobby did not like that vision…" 

"Sorry Dobby, couldn't help myself," Harry tried not to laugh. "Well, here's my class, thanks for your time."

Dobby snarled, turning on his heel and grumbling all the way down the hall.

"What a nice elf…" Harry smiled, opening the classroom door and stepping inside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that day, the rain still hadn't let up. It poured down over the grounds of Hogwarts in a thick sheet of…wet…stuff...yeah…the gloom making it seem much later then it actually was. 

Charms class that day was uneventful; unless you count the shark Seamus Finnigan conjured by accident, and the unexplained disappearance of several students. Don't worry about them though, they weren't important characters anyway.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron…I'm getting really tired of saying that…stood loitering at the bottom of the main staircase, waiting for the doors of the Great Hall to open. Due to the fact that Flitwick had to find some way of getting rid of the shark, he had let them out early, and lunch was not yet ready.

"If this is a magic school, how can they not just conjure up the food?" Ron asked lazily, propped up against the banister.

The other two shrugged.

"Well kids, I'll tell you. The author created a scene that they wanted to add into the story somehow, and thought that making you three sit in the general vicinity of the main forum would be the best way to do this," Mr. Rogers explained, putting on his indoor shoes.

I really have to stop pointing out my faults using comedic methods…really doesn't say much for my writing abilities.

"It disturbs me how we seem to be controlled by some strange, shadowy figure…" Harry looked around.

"What do you think the government is?" Ron replied.

Just then, Hagrid burst into the castle, dripping wet and holding a thick leather strap in one hand. That strap was attached to Hagrid's latest pet…a huge, slug-like creature with large bulging eyes and astonishing computer-animated features. The creature was speaking with a slow, drawn-out voice in a strange accent they had never heard before.

"Konchee chuba koona?" The creature spoke, sliding along the floor behind Hagrid.

_Translation: Where you going?_

It was obvious the gamekeeper/Care of Magical Creatures professor had no idea what the thing was saying, but he spoke up nonetheless. "Jus' a bi' ferther," he piped up cheerily, large smile plastered on his face.

"Choy?" It blinked, staring around at the great hall with confusion.

_Translation: What?_

"Nah, soy's a bit too healthy fer me. Gimme a nice steak an' potatoes," Hagrid answered, tying the leather strap around the end of the staircase banister while he bent down to tie his shoe. Ron backed away quickly.

The creature seemed angry now…perhaps tying your shoes is an insult in his country? 

"Koochoo outmian! Chuba chone chuba tonta! Chuba nee choo ateema! Me crispo chuba!" It growled, thrashing around wilding.

_Translation: Idiot outlander! You and your worm tentacles! You die now! I fry you!_

Harry watched on, excited to see another Star Wars reference in the story. Plus, Jabba the Hut was his favorite slug-monster bad guy character in the entire world of fantasy. Ron, who had never seen Star Wars in his life due to lack of muggle movies, leaned over to whisper in his ear. "Why does it keep talking about lollipops?"

Harry was actually wondering the same thing, forgetting all that study he had had of the Huttese language…but he had the distinct impression Jabba was screaming about crisps. 

"I think he's hungry," Harry observed, sniffing.

Hermione, who had read every book on earth except for Star Wars, piped up from Harry's other side, her head tilted slightly as she studied the creature. "I've never seen anything like it before…and if I don't know what it is…then it must not exist."

Ron's eyebrows furrowed and he glanced over at her. "But Hermione, it's standing right in front of y-"

"-_I said_," Hermione interrupted. "_I don't know what it is…therefore, it doesn't exist_," She growled, the light from outside glinting off her fangs…somehow…causing it to *ding* like in those cheesy cartoons. It really was remarkable, and Harry wondered how it made that cool dinging sound, but soon their attention was back on the creature.

Jabba continued to thrash about, soon ripping the entire end of the banister off the staircase and stomping away through the school to wreak havoc on students…like in all good stories. Hagrid chose this moment to stand back up, looking around with a confused expression. You see, Hagrid is not the brightest crayon in the box, and took 15 minutes tying his shoelaces. Many a time had Dumbledore told him Velcro was the way to go…but of course nobody listens to the all-powerful super wizard. Hagrid looked around for a few more minutes, giving up the search despite the trail of destruction and screaming children that would most likely lead to his lost pet. 

The kids watched as Hagrid strolled out, waving to them as he went, closing the front doors behind him with a loud bang just as the doors to the Great Hall were flung open dramatically.

"I swear, one day those things are gonna break from all these semi-dramatic moments," Hermione yawned, slowly getting to her feet.

"And when that happens, I'll be there…watching…watching and waiting…" Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Shut up Harry," Hermione yawned again, making her way towards the doors.

"You got toooooold," Neville popped out of nowhere, doing the 'word' hand gesture.

A swift kick to the nether regions shut our dear ghetto friend up. Rowling never adds enough violence into her stories.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry sat down at the far end of the Gryffindor table, Ron and Hermione settling in front of him. He was so hungry his stomach was screaming for food…literally.

_"GIVE ME FOOD!"_

Harry looked around with shifty eyes. "Shut up down there!"

_"FOOOOOOD!"___

"Stop it or I'll feed you acid again!"

Silence.

"That's what I thought…"

"Harry, who are you talking to?" Ron gave him a wide-eyed look.

"No one," Harry pursed his lips, scratching the side of his nose with a finger.

Suddenly and without warning from their beloved headmaster, who still was no where to be found, the heaps of food that made up their lunch time buffet appeared on the table, causing a collective sigh of happiness to emanate from the crowd of students.

"Finally!" Ron grinned, grabbing several dishes and piling them on top of each other.

"Pig…" Hermione grimaced, putting her various foods into neat little piles that spell out the theory of relativity.

"Hey, what's going on over there?" Dean Thomas spoke up, his eye twitching slightly.

"I see…death. Or…Tim Horton's cookies…" Parvati replied mistily.

"Who's Tim Horton?" Ron asked. "Please tell me he's replaced Percy as Defense teacher…"

Harry, quickly losing interest in the naïve antics of Ron and company, looked across the room at the Slytherin table, where the commotion seemed to be coming from. Unable to see anything, he stood on his chair and looked over the heads of the crowd of Slytherins clustered around one section of the table. From what he could see, they were all crowding around none other then Draco Malfoy, chanting incoherently and beating their fists on the table. Harry really hoped they were an angry mob practicing what they were going to do with Draco's face, but alas, this was not to be. Apparently, Malfoy's groupies were begging him to do something obviously very elaborate, and a hush washed over the great hall, everyone looking towards the bleach blonde boy. 

"Down in front," A random voice yelled out, followed by Hagrid muttering a quick apology and ducking down.

All eyes were on Draco and, slowly…slowly, the corner of his mouth twitched into the infamous Malfoy smirk. His groupie girls fainted over the table as the rest of Slytherin house broke out into a frenzied applause. The members of the other three houses all groaned, their dreams of Malfoy spontaneous combustion dashed with one tiny smirk. 

"Damn it," Ron muttered, mashing his mashed potatoes.

Seamus then looked up from his meal, head wrapped in bandages, and looked over at the author of this tale who was sitting in the corner with a laptop, recording all this information.

"I don't believe what you just wrote is entirely possible. How would Ron be able to mash his potatoes, if they're already mashed?"

The almighty, omnipotent author then threw the laptop at Seamus's head, causing him to once again black out in a comical fashion. After grabbing another laptop out of thin air, the author sat down in the corner once again, and commenced typing. Plus, I mash my mashed potatoes all the time. It's called playing with your food, asshole. Oops, another bad word. Oh well. Damn it, I'm doing that correcting myself thing again!

"Who was Seamus talking to?" Harry pondered, poking at the unmoving Seamus with his fork. 

Ron shrugged, mashing his mashed potatoes, uncaring of whether or not this action was possible…even though it is. 

"Yeah, so I says to Mabel, I says…" Ron began.

"You know, I've never actually heard the end to that sentence," Harry reflected, stroking his chin.

"Me either…I wonder if there is one," Ron pondered.

"We have such pointless conversations," Hermione pointed out.

"Such is the beauty of our friendship," Ron grinned.

If this were a Japanese anime cartoon, you would see a large sweat drop and/or strange squiggly line by Hermione's head. "I'm going to the library…" she announced, opening her bag and dumping the contents of her dinner into it.

"Well fine then, at least I still have Ron," Harry pouted.

_Giggle._

"Oh no…" Ron squeaked.

"What is it Ron?" Harry asked as Hermione walked away from the table.

_Giggle. Give me my whistle!_

"Not again…" Ron whimpered, clutching something to his chest. "She'll never get it! Never!" he exclaimed, knocking over his seat and running out the door.

Harry looked dejected. "If they wanted to go off and make out, they could've just told me! I would've liked to watch," Harry sniffed away the tears, once again falling into a pit of despair. "Woe is me…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yes, this is it, too lazy to write replies to reviews, shall do it next time. COME ON PEOPLE, REVIEW, OR I'LL STOP WRITING!

Idle threats…lol!


	9. The return of S Dawg

**Author's notes: **IM SORRY OKAY! I TOOK FOREVER, I KNOW! HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? WELL FINE! YEAH, WELL YOU TOO BUDDY!

Geez, some people have such horrible attitudes!

THAT'S RIGHT! I SEE YOU! SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER WITH YOUR PANTS AND YOUR SHIRT! AND YOUR HAIR AND EYES!

I'm watching you!

Okay…I think I'm basically only writing this story for four people. This depresses me. This is the reason why I'm taking so long to write it! 

So yeah, review please…cause I need inspiration! Reviews are inspiration!

And…enjoy!

Right…now!

…now!

…now!

…and I'm done, that's all folks.

**Chapter 9**

It was very uneventful evening in Hogwarts School and Witchcraft and Wizardry, and Harry Potter, not used to sitting still for long, decided to go for a walk. 

Wow, this chapter actually sounds normal so far! 

…Whoops, ruined it.

Harry was kind of surprised that in a school with so many people, creatures, ghosts, and animals in it that there wasn't a soul in sight. Wait, do ghosts have souls? Or are ghosts souls themselves? Oooo, deep.

But Harry's boredom was about to end…

In the shadows the silhouette of a man could be seen, leaning against a wall. Harry stopped in his tracks, squinting to try and get a look at the person.

"Brad? Brad Pitt? Is that you?" Harry called out.

It wasn't. The man in shadows stepped into the light, revealing…the beast from Beauty and the Beast.

Joking.

It was Sirius.

"Sirius!" Harry gasped as his godfather came into view.

"Hey Harry," he replied casually, in the oh-so-cool Sirius way.

"Y-you're…alive!" Harry gaped, mouth wide open.

Sirius leaned on the wall behind him, crossing his arms over his chest and looking bored.

"…as in, not dead," Harry urged.

"Yup," his godfather answered, now filing his nails.

"B-but, I saw you die," Harry tried to get some info out of Sirius, to no avail.

"Me too…bloody dramatic if you ask me, although it did seem kinda rushed in the midst of all that action. I would've expected Rowling to add in a whole deathbed scene or someth-"

Harry blinked as his godfather went on about some 'rolling' thing, confused as usual.

"How…did you…I mean,"

"Spit it out Harry," Sirius was now filing his nails again.

"How did you…come back to life?" Harry asked, expecting a long-winded tale about the veil and adventures with a lovable bunny named Peter.

"Dunno," was all Sirius said in reply.

"You don't know?" Harry asked, astonished. How could you NOT know how you came back to life?

"Nope," Sirius shrugged, throwing his nail file behind him and hitting Ron, who had been eavesdropping, in the head.

"So you're just…alive? Just like that?" Harry was just about to smack the author of this tale, who was once again sitting in a dark corner nearby, for screwing with his mind, when Sirius piped up.

"Guess so," he answered. "Wanna go get some ice cream?"

"Sure," Harry replied, following his not-so-dead uncle down the corridor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was a blistery night. The streets were frozen because of the cold, as were the bottoms of my shoes. I slipped a lot. Damn K-Mart. Anyway, it couldn't be helped…like drunks; and criminals. That was my job…criminals, not drunks…although some are drunks, but that's not my point. I'm a detective. Detective Potter, private dic-

-tionary!

That was Ron, my partner. He's a censor. As I was saying…

I'm Detective Potter, private eye. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. Lazy ass cops. 

On this cold, cold night, I was sitting in my office, reading a magazine…seventeen magazine, when a knock was heard in the vicinity of the door. It was the cabinet beside the door. Why was the cabinet knocking? I had to find out. I walked up to the cabinet and opened it, fully expecting some sort of IRS agent or Religious person to pop out. I was not expecting a beautiful woman…

…it was a beautiful woman.

I was not expecting that.

"Please help me! My husband! He's been…MURDERED!" the woman drawled. She had a southern accent…like most beautiful women in detective movies and such.

DUN NA NA!

I looked around to see where the sound effects were coming from. I never did figure that out. 

"Ok ma'me. I'll help you. But first you gotta help me…" I replied, hopping on the top of my desk, sliding, and falling over the other side. Damn, it always looks so easy in movies. After righting myself, I sat down in my chair. I hoped my hair didn't do that fuzzy thing it does.

The woman sighed. "Ok…" she said, and began unbuttoning her top.

I was a bit confused…"no, I meant you gotta give me information," I blinked. The top thing was ok too of course.

"Oh…" she replied, buttoning back up. "Well in that case…my husband has been KILLED!"

Didn't she already specify this?

"Didn't you already specify this?" I asked.

"…by my lover!"

DUN NA NA!

There it was again. Damn sound effects.

"Wait wait…if you already know who did it…why don't you just tell the cops? I find out who dunnit, I don't arrest them lady."

"Well, that's the thing. I THINK it was my lover, but I'm not sure!" she twittered with her southern accent, draping herself on one of my leather chairs. 

Already changing her story. Quite suspicious. 

"Well ok then, start off by telling me your name," I asked her.

"Lola," the woman replied.

"Is there a last name?" I asked.

"Lola!" 

"Your name is Lola Lola?" I was quite confused by now. 

"Exactly!"

"Your name is Lola Lola Exactly?" I asked.

"NO! It's Lola Lola! Not Lola Lola Exactly!" She exclaimed.

"Ok…so your husband is Mr. Lola?"

"No, he's Mr. Big," she replied.

"Mr. Big? Like the Candy Bar?"

"Exactly!" 

"There you go with the exactly again!!!"

"Okay, can we move on?!"

She was angry…I could tell. Very suspicious. First she changes her story, then her name, and now she exhibits an anger problem. Very suspicious indeed.

"Wait. If he's your husband, why do you have two different names?"

"I don't wanna be named after a chocolate bar!!! Chocolate is fattening!" she screeched.

It hurt my ears.

"You're hurting my ears."

She apologized.

Very suspicious.

"Okay, so your husband, Mr. Big…he's dead," I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"How'd he die…death by wafer?"

BA DA CHH!

She wasn't impressed.

"You know, some people have no sense of h

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"What'cha writin'?" Sirius asked Harry, spooning a bite of vanilla ice cream into his mouth.

"Nothin…gothic poetry," Harry replied, shifty-eyed.

"Thought so," Sirius smiled, quite awkwardly…as if it hurt to smile.

"You okay Sirius?" Harry raised a brow.

"Yeah…death makes one's muscles hurt though. I'm sure I'll be fine once the rigor mortis starts to wear off," Sirius shrugged.

"Yeah, about that…how'd you come back to life?" Harry asked.

"No clue…probably Dumbledore. He does stuff like that," Sirius replied.

"Sounds plausible," Harry nodded, wiping ice cream from the side of his glass and licking his finger.

"Well, now that we're done dessert, you think we should go get lunch?" Sirius asked.

"I like the way you think old man!" Harry got up, doing a little jig. "Can we have ice cream after?"

"Of course!" Sirius exclaimed, emitting a roar of approval from the crowd of onlookers.

And with that, Harry and Sirius proudly walked away from the ice cream shop, the crowd cheering behind them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ok, I'll get us a seat and you can go get the pizzas," Sirius said, patting Harry on the shoulder.

"Ok…are we gonna do that thing they do on TV shows where we don't discuss what type of pizza we want so when I order I don't specify what toppings there should be and the pizza people automatically know for some reason?" Harry asked.

"Yup," Sirius replied, departing on his dangerous task of finding a suitable table. 

Godspeed to you Sirius…

…Godspeed.

Harry wiped away a tear as he watched the retreating back of his godfather disappear in the mist.

"Foggy evening we got here, eh sonny?" An old man asked Harry, punctuating every syllable with his cane.

Harry nodded politely, opening the door to the pizza place. 

Harry just loved the atmosphere of an old pizza parlor. The smell of fresh bread, the sight of tomato sauce splattering the walls, the sounds of Italians screaming at each other in their native tongue. Beautiful. 

But there was one screaming Italian that was heard above all. Harry thought he was hearing an extremely loud angel.

"Excuse me Miss," Harry stopped a nearby waitress. "Who is that extremely loud person?"

The waitress looked at him, her long, raven locks blowing in a non-existent wind, such is the hair of Italians. "Oh, that's Rodolfo, he's our new chef".

Harry was intrigued. How could you not be intriguing with a name like Rodolfo?

"Hmm, is there any way I can speak with this Rodolfo?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, whatever. RODOLFOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed. 

Harry smiled.

"Whata iza eet!" the sound of a very strong Italian accent could be heard from the back room.

The owner of said voice walked up to the front counter, wearing a large, grease-stained apron and bushy mustache.

"It's-a Mario!" Harry exclaimed. "Wait…no…it's…PERCY!"

DUN NA NA

Harry gets his story ideas from real life…damn sound effects.

"Percy? Who iza disa Percy?" Percy the chef asked.

"Percy?! What are you doing here?" Harry gawked, eyes wide.

"Who iz dis Percy yo speaka 'bout?! I do nota know disa Percy!" Percy gave him a puzzled look, never losing that fake Italian accent.

Harry stared for a few minutes before slowly backing away.

Just then Sirius opened the door to the pizza place, walking directly into the retreating Harry. "Harry, I thought you were getting the pizzas?"

"I think I'm in the twilight zone…" Harry replied in a hushed voice. 

Sirius looked around. "Yeah…where IS that music coming from?"

The 5 piece orchestra in the corner abruptly stopped playing the twilight zone theme, packing up their instruments and exiting.

"Why would it take 5 instruments to play the twilight zone theme?" Harry raised a brow.

"Who knows…" Sirius replied, walking about to the counter. "Anyone here? I'd like to order a…"

"…pizza!" Parvati, appearing out of nowhere, replied.

"Wow, she pulled a Ron!" Harry exclaimed.

"How did you know what I was going to say!?" Sirius asked with wide, bedazzled eyes.

"I'm psychic," Lavender replied with pride. Woaw, try saying that five times fast. Replied with Pride, replied with pride, replied with…I'm done.

"You mean psycho," Harry snickered, nudging the air beside him. "Damn it, no Ron to chuckle at my stupid jokes!"

Poor Harry…poor poor Harry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After obtaining their food, Harry and Sirius settled themselves at a table. Now, this was not the table Sirius found during his quest, for that table was taken under siege just as Sirius got up to see where Harry was, even though he put his coat on the seat…isn't that always the way.

Sirius glared over at the family who stole their table, stabbing his pizza with his knife. Wow, Snape style. 

Harry stayed quiet, silently staring at his god father. Realizing Harry was giving him a strange look Sirius cleared his throat and turned away from the family.

"Come on Harry, eat your pizza. I'll buy you another one once you finish," Sirius urged, pushing Harry's plate closer to him.

It seemed Sirius now had an obsession over Harry's eating habits. 

Sirius…obsession…NEVER! Sirius would never be obsessed with ANYTHING! ESPECIALLY a member of Harry's family! 

Horrible, prolonged sarcasm, I know. Just had to get my point across…if you don't understand the sarcasm, read the fifth book damn it!

"Sirius, why do you want me to eat so much pizza?" Harry asked as Sirius stuffed a piece into the boy's mouth.

"Where would you get an idea like that?" Sirius asked, pulling his hand away from Harry's mouth slowly.

Harry gave him 'the look'.

"…Well, you know, I feel bad about that whole 'pretending to be dead' thing, and I figure I can fix that with pizza somehow..."

"Oh good, I thought you were trying to fatten me up so you can cook me in your old fashion wood stove," Harry laughed.

Sirius laughed nervously, shoving a cookie cutter into his coat pocket quickly while the camera panned in for a close up of his shifty eyes.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"What was what?" Sirius coughed suspiciously.

"The camera...where'd it come from?" Harry poked at the camera floating in mid-air at their table.

Just then the waiter came by, stopping at their table and winking noticeably at Sirius. "Anything else I can get you?"

"No, I'm stuf-" 

"We'll have another large pizza with extra...everything..." Sirius cut in.

"Will do," the waiter winked at Sirius again and disappeared.

"Umm...I think he likes you," Harry raised an eyebrow at his uncle. 

"Shut up and eat," Sirius pounded the table with a fist.

Harry blinked once, his adorable puppy eyes welling up with tears.

"Oh Harry, I'm sorry, don't cry..." Sirius reached over the table and patted his shoulder awkwardly.

"Ever since you didn't die you've become such a f-"

"-OOD!" a streak of red and black otherwise known as Ron Weasley flew toward the table occupied by Harry and Sirius, sitting down in the empty chair and grabbing slices of pizza in both hands. 

"Ron, what are you doing here?" Harry asked, raising a brow. 

"What, you're allowed to go traipsing off in the middle of the night to go eat pizza wth your dead godfather and I'm not?" Ron glared, his mouth stuffed with pizza.

"Yes…I'm Harry Potter," Harry replied.

"He's right…he IS Harry Potter," Sirius gasped.

Ron had no rebuttal.

"Anyway, now that Ron's here, I was wondering if you knew how Percy ended up being…well…crazy. Not that he wasn't crazy before. But it seems he has Multiple Personality Disorder or something," Harry directed this question at his godfather.

Now, the normal reply would be 'I don't know, I was dead at the time'…but since this is MY screwed up story, well, I don't care if it makes no sense.

"Oh, well from what I've heard he went nuts after losing a bit of paperwork. And that whole Fudge being wrong and proving that Percy is a complete dink thing might have something to do with it too," Sirius shrugged, pointing at Harry's pizza.

Harry sighed and took another bite.

"Wgow tas cragy!" Ron exclaimed, his mouth full of pizza.

Harry thought Ron would've been upset…seeing as they were talking about his brother and all. Oh well.

"Meh, family ties aren't that important anyway," Ron commented.

Wait a second…how did he know what I wrote? YOU LITTLE PUNK! STOP READING MY COMPUTER.

"Ron, who are you talking to?" Harry and Sirius looked around, seeing only gabbing people at their tables.

"No one…" Ron grinned.

That boy's gonna be a problem.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thanks to my loyal readers Nic, Venix, Harriet, Clover, and of course Gred Weasley! Also thanks to backsplash, Sirius the homicidal maniac…cool name…galaxysong…I.I, and Mary Jane…also a cool name. Lol.

REVIEW! PLEASE! DON'T MAKE ME CRY! AND FLOOD YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD! PLEASE!

****


	10. Talking pumpkins and ghetto monkeys

**Author's notes: **Yo Yo! Sup ma peeps?

I'm in ghetto mode tonight.

Stupid Neville.

Anyway, I kinda rushed this one…yes, RUSHED!

No mean comments…or I'll burn ya.

Ooo, that was kinda scary. I liked it!

Yeah, here it is. I just didn't care about the whole Halloween part cause Christmas is coming soon and I wanna write a Christmas chapter in time. Ugh, a lot of writing for me in the next two weeks. Good thing I actually like it!

I also added in a little something for Gred and Forge. Lol! Everything for my readers.

Don't worry Venix, Casper isn't really dead…he's just biding his time. Like Tu-Pac. *nod*

And my good friend Harriet pointed out an error…I called Sirius Harry's uncle instead of his godfather. Sorry about that.

Note to self: Get rid of Harriet.

*cough* ONWARD TO THINE STORY OF STRANGENESS!

**Chapter 10**

It was finally October, and Halloween was a week away. The chilly autumn weather cooled the corridors and the classrooms of the castle considerably, and some students just couldn't take it…

"Harryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…I'm cooooooooooold!" Ron whined as they walked down the corridor.

"Really Ron? I had no idea! You've only said it SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES!" Harry yelled.

"I don't appreciate your sass, young mister," Ron sniffled.

They walked along in silence for a long while before Ron spoke up.

"My nose is cold…and my ears are cold…and my toes are cold…and my tail is cold!" Ron complained.

Suddenly a tall, spidery woman dressed in a strange black and white dress came pelting around the corner. "WHERE ARE THE PUPPIES?"

Ron and Harry stared.

"…excuse me?" Harry raked his eyes over her strange appearance.

The woman looked around confusedly, sniffing once. "Sorry, wrong story…" She then dashed away, disappearing in the early morning mist.

"That's strange," Ron furrowed his eyebrows.

"Meh, I'm used to weird people yelling things at me," Harry shrugged.

"No, not that…why is it foggy in here?" Ron asked.

"…well duh Ron, it sets the mood," Harry rolled his eyes.

"For what? This isn't a graveyard," Ron answered.

Harry explained the reason why fog was in the school…which was some story about candy canes and a large man named Mark…as the two boys hopped down the front staircase and into the Entrance Hall. 

"Where are we going anyway?" Ron asked Harry, for Harry is the leader of the group and decides what the other members shall be doing at all times. He also makes them polish his broomstick.

"We're basically wandering around the school in hopes of finding adventure in the form of me saving the world," Harry answered.

"But we ALWAYS do that!" Ron complained.

"DON'T MAKE ME SICK VOLDEMORT ON YOU!" Harry bellowed.

Ron flinched at the name. Ever since last year Harry seemed to enjoy using the fact that Voldemort was back to his own advantage.

…almost as if the Dark Lord was a dog…

DUN NA NA!

"Harry! Ron!" Hermione's voice suddenly broke over their random train of thought.

"HI HERMIONE," Ron answered.

Harry covered his ears. "Ow  Ron! What's your problem?!"

"Sorry, author forgot to take off caps lock," Ron shrugged.

The shadowy, omni-potent author had the grace to look embarrassed.

"You two are weird…" Hermione added. 

Ron and Harry were startled…they had forgotten she was there.

"Come help me carve pumpkins!" Hermione squealed happily. "I'm doing it for extra credit!"

"In what class? Knives 101?" Ron shook his head, following Hermione into the Great Hall.

"How'd you know?" Hermione raised a brow. "I thought it was an exclusive class!"

Silence.

_It's the vampire need for violence…_Ron thought.

"I can read your mind Ron," Hermione glared at him.

Creepy.

They all walked up to the table left of center in the Great Hall, which was usually occupied by the Ravenclaws. This evening the Great Hall was deserted.

"Ok, we can split up the pile and get to work!" Hermione cheered, motioning to the large pile of pumpkins on the table.

"Wait, why are we doing this? Not like we're getting any credit," Harry grumbled.

"Because you both love me and would do anything to help me out?" Hermione grinned.

The both gave her identical 'yeah right' looks.

"…and you get to use big knives!" 

The both nodded and started pulling pumpkins off the large pile in the center of the table.

"You know, Halloween came pretty fast…didn't school just start two weeks ago?" Harry pointed out, carving a nose into his pumpkin.

Hermione and Ron ignored this, seeing as they've already been threatened countless times by the author to not point out mistakes. 

"I hate carving these things…you always gotta take out all the gunk in it…and it tastes HORRIBLE," Ron grumbled, licking his hand and grimacing.

"Ron…why _ARE you eating it?" Harry stared at him with a disgusted expression._

"Well what ELSE am I gonna do with it?" Ron gave Harry a disbelieving look. 

"Moron," they both whispered under their breath, turning away from each other.

"I don't know why you two are doing it manually," Hermione rolled her eyes, flicking her wand and adding her seventh finished pumpkin to her pile.

"Well seeing as you're from a muggle family I would think you would enjoy doing this kind of stuff," Ron commented.

 "Oh, so because my parents are muggle I have to enjoy muggle activities?" Hermione growled, advancing towards Ron with reddened eyes…literally.

"Oh not again," Harry sighed, tackling Hermione to the floor and duct taping her lips together.

"You know, the whole vampire thing was sexy at first…but now it's just annoying," Ron sighed, carving the shape of an eye.

Harry was too busy duct taping Hermione's legs to notice that Ron was speaking.

"There, finished," Harry announced, sitting back at his table and cutting out the shape of a mouth. 

_"Geez kid, could you have done a crappier job on my left eye?"_ the pumpkin suddenly spoke, causing Harry to jump four feet in the air to one of those funny kazoo sounds.

"Ron…the pumpkin is speaking to me…" Harry squeaked.

"Oh Harry…this is bad. Real bad. Even in the wizarding world it's a strange thing when pumpkins speak to you…" Ron whispered.

Harry looked terrified. This was his second year all over again…except with a pumpkin.

"Naw I'm just messing with you…" Ron grinned. "Halloween pumpkins usually speak once you carve the mouth out…"

Harry decided not to ask.

_"So who does a pumpkin have to yell at to get some food around here?" _

"Why don't Hermione's pumpkins speak?" Harry asked.

"I would explain it to you…but I don't feel like it…" Ron shrugged.

Harry quirked an eyebrow, shaking his head and throwing his pumpkin onto Hermione's pile. "I'm bored, why are we carving these anyway?" 

"I never fully understood that either," Ron looked confused.

"Let's go bring something to life," Harry said, getting to his feet.

"Sounds good, but what about her?"

They both looked at Hermione lying on the floor, struggling to get free.

"Meh, I'm sure she'll be okay," Harry shrugged, walking out of the Great Hall in search of adventure and possibly pie, followed by his faithful sidekick Ron.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Like most Hogwarts students who are bored out of their minds (especially in fanfiction stories and on message boards), Harry and Ron went outside to stand by the lake and do nothing. Oh the joys of Cola.

"How long do you think it will take Hermione to get out of her bonds and come after us in search of revenge?" Harry asked his plucky red-headed friend.

"Fifteen minutes?" Ron guessed.

"Is that a bet?" Harry asked.

"Harry, betting is wrong…wrong indeed. So is swearing and sexual activity in front of the masses," Ron nodded.

"Those censorship classes are really doing a number on you," Harry pointed out.

"What censorship classes?" Ron did the whole shifty eye thing. "Oh look! The giant squid!"

"You know, I always wondered why this thing is in there. I mean, how did it get here? And what purpose does it serve?"

"God Harry, it's just a nice little addition to the magical atmosphere of the school. You over-analyze everything!" Ron rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," he shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest and staring out at the squid. "Good morning squiddy!"

"Squiddy?" Ron raised a brow.

"Pet name"

"Ahh"

"Bonjour Monsieur Potter!" 

Harry looked shocked.

"Ron, is the squid speaking French?" 

"Yup," Ron answered.

"The squid can talk? Is this another case of my magical ignorance?" Harry asked.

"Nope, I had no idea either," Ron gaped alongside Harry.

"And I never would've guess it was French," Harry looked impressed.

"I always thought it looked rather Swedish," Ron shrugged.

"Well this is an interesting development," Harry blinked a couple of times.

"J'espère que vous tous les deux tombez dans un grand bol de pudding," the squid bellowed.

"Any idea?" Ron asked.

"None whatsoever," Harry replied.

"Thought so…" 

"Enfants d'idiot. Je vous mangerai maintenant!" the squid spoke again.

"This hurts my brain, let's go back inside," Ron rubbed his forehead, the two boys walking back towards the castle.

"Damnez-vous tous les deux! Revenez ici! J'ai faim!" the squid sighed. "Pourquoi doivent-ils toujours fonctionner?"

"Damn French squids," Ron commented as the giant squid could be seen eating a first year Hufflepuff behind their retreating backs. Once again Harry was an inch from death and escaped.

Perhaps Voldemort _is the giant squid?_

DUN DUN DAA!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On the way back to the Gryffindor tower, the two boys conversed about how random their day had been so far.

"So many useless events in one day, eh Ron?" Harry commented.

"Yeah…oh well, you can never be bored when you've got LUCKY CHARMS!" Ron held up a box of the breakfast cereal in front of the camera.

"WHY does that thing keep following me around?" Harry raised a brow.

"It's probably Colin's way of being with you at all times," Ron shrugged.

A deep rumbling laugh could be heard from under the floor. Oh Colin, you cheeky little demon boy.

They finally reached the portrait of the fat lady, speaking the password _'let me in you fat bizitch'_ (McG was being tutored by Neville on ghetto slang), and entering the common room. 

When they stepped into the room through the portrait hole they noticed a small crowd gathered around the fire.

"What's going on?" Harry asked no one in particular, Ron craning his neck over the crowd.

"Hey, someone's got a monkey!" Ron exclaimed.

"It's Neville's!" some unknown kid explained excitedly.

"Cool!" Ron pushed kids out of his way in order to get to the monkey, one second year flipping over the back of the couch and onto his face. Ron didn't seem to notice.

Harry walked up to Neville in the center of the now-smaller crowd.

"Neville…you got a monkey? What about Trevor?"

"Yo dawg, ma frog waz mad wack…OLD SCHOOL!"

"But a monkey!?" Harry's eyes were wide. "Where'd you get it?"

"Check it, some dude give it to me fo a sickle," Neville explained.

"Wow…that's strange," Harry replied

"Did he just say 'check it'?" Ron raised a brow.

"It's so CUTE!" Parvati fawned, petting the monkey. No pun intended. "What's his name?"

"Fly arse ghetto monk-ay" Neville answered.

"What? Fly arse ghetto monkey?" Ron blinked.

"No no, monk-AY," Neville corrected.

Harry looked confused. "Why arse? Why not as-"

"-PARAGUS!" Ron bellowed.

Neville gave Harry a knowing look.

"Oh," Harry replied.

"So, when you want to call him, you're going to yell 'come here fly arse ghetto monk-ay!'?" Parvati asked, continuing to pet the monkey. Still no pun intended.

"Word," Neville replied.

The serene, monkey-influenced moment was interrupted by the portrait hole swinging open.

Hermione had entered the building…uh…room.

"Uh oh…" Ron squeaked, hiding behind Harry…but seeing as he's about four inches taller it didn't work out so well.

The boys were relieved to see that Hermione didn't seem angry at all.

"Guys! Guess what!" Hermione grinned.

"What?" Harry and Ron chorused. 

"Ginny has a boyfriend!" Hermione laughed, clapping her hands together.

"Ginny…with a boyfriend?!" Ron looked abashed.

"Ron, she had one last year, remember?" Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but this is different!" Ron squeaked.

"How?" Harry asked.

"Well…he…she…and they…" Ron stumbled.

"Uh huh…he, she, and they? Sounds plausible…" Harry shrugged.

"Oh Ron, just because you're 16 years old and have no sexual experience whatsoever does not give you the right to pry into your sister's love life!" Hermione scolded.

"SEXUAL…LOVE LIFE…what have you heard!" Ron screeched.

"Ugh, forget it…you need a girlfriend Ron…and maybe some hormones," Hermione grumbled and stalked away.

"Horm-ones…? What are these horm-ones she speaks of?"

Poor Ron. Poor poor Ron.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ok, due to the fact that I take forever to write a chapter and need to get Halloween out of the way…I'm skipping forward two weeks in the story!

It is now Halloween.

Enjoy…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was Halloween night…as I have already established…and Harry was just getting ready for the big feast. The rest of his dorm was already downstairs, but Harry was running a bit late trying to tame a stubborn cowlick.

"Damn it, I hate my hair," Harry cried, throwing a hissy fit. He threw his brush on the dresser, knocking over the mysterious cigar box he had gotten at the beginning of the year.

Harry suddenly remembered the ghosts' poem, one part of it tugging at the back of his mind.

_'Below the wood, you'll find the gold.' _Was one line that popped into his head at that moment, his eyebrows furrowing with the strain of thinking with that tiny, tiny brain of his.__

The ghosts' voice popped into his head again. '_Below the wood…you'll find the gold.'_

Harry looked over at the cigar box sitting on his dresser, thinking. 

'_I wonder if Ron would take them as a birthday present,' _he pondered, stroking his chin.

_'Dude…pay attention to the task at hand._' He heard the ghost in his head again, reverting his thoughts back to what was bothering him before. 

"Hmmm…what can it _mean,_" He thought out loud.

_'Below the friggin wood you'll find friggin gold.' _The voice muttered impatiently. Harry still had no idea what it was talking about.__

_'OPEN YOUR EYES MORON!' _It yelled in his ear, getting angry. 

Harry just sat there, staring at the box on his dresser.__

_THE BOX YOU IDIOT! OPEN THE BOX!_

"Wait…so…they're golden cigars?" Harry asked this mysterious voice, getting to his feet and walking slowly over towards the box.

_OMG I COULD KILL YOU! HOW IS IT YOU SURVIVED THIS LONG?_

Harry ignored the voice, reaching out and grabbing hold of the box, lifting the lid. He stared at the cigars lining the bottom, wondering if this was some sort of trick his mind was playing on him…wouldn't be the first time. 

_'Listen carefully. Below...the...wood...you'll...find...the...gold.' _The voice spoke patiently, spacing out its words as if it were speaking to a five year old…or an extremely slow ostrich.__

Suddenly, it all clicked in Harry's mind. "I GET IT! THE WOOD! THE GOLD!" Harry gasped, jumping up excitedly.

_YES! GOOD! I KNEW you weren't as stupid as you seem!_

"It all fits! Below the wood, you'll find the gold!" Harry dropped the box to the floor, running towards his bedroom door.

_WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!!?_

"To find Oliver! It'll take me a while to track him down at Puddlemore, but it'll be worth it if I get gold!!!" Harry swung open the door, grabbing his firebolt and leaping out.

The ghost materialized in the middle of his room, mouth wide open in shock. "WHAT THE F-"

"-RIDAY!" Ron jumped out of the closet where he was hiding, just in case Harry needed his bodyguard. "Wait…Harry! Where are you going? You're going to miss the feast!" Ron, realizing Harry was leaving for a potentially dangerous situation, jumped out of the room after him, carrying his rifle, but not before complaining loudly that he was gonna miss his dinner.

"THIS IS BLOODY RIDICULOUS!" The ghost gaped. "This is the LAST time I offer to help a STUPID little moron," and placing a finger aside of his nose, and nodding his head through the ceiling he rose.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sorry for this pointless, unfunny, and completely random chapter. Oh the stress. I promise the next one will be better. Lol. Oh well, needed to add in some plot.

YES! THERE ACTUALLY IS A PLOT! Isn't it remarkable??? Lol.

Nic- You're so bitter towards me. Did I kill your dog or something? Joking, love ya. And thanks for the 100th review! You get a free cheesecake!

Missy- Wow, THE Ms. Critique…reviewing MY story. I am blessed! No I'm not being sarcastic! *shifty*

Venix- Miss ya oh lovely daughter of mine! I'm so lazy, sorry I haven't been on AIM. Judging by how long it takes me to write one chapter you can tell how lazy/busy I am. :)

TheLynx- I love you too! Lol! Don't break your chair…they have feelings too you know. Love your name by the way.

Gred Weasley- Yo yo! Sup dawg? Word up…and all that shizzle. Added in the squid specially for you, lol. Squid today, firecrackers later. Muahaha!

Backsplash007- A fish, a fish, my world for a fish. I really want a fish now. Give it here Malfoy! *random HP quotes*

Forge Weasley- Squiddy is badass. I also added in a monkey for your enjoyment. Any other animals?

Dragonfly-child- Hobbit is a funny word. And they pulled a Ron cause Ron is the shiznit…everyone wants to be like him. Duh.

Cherryblossom7- Wow…I've never been a genius before! Lol. And yes, I love the detective thing. *is given evil eye* *keels over* *no more story*

SIKE

Harriet- WAZZ UP? Lol, I'm so out of the rping loop now. Oh well. Nic is bothering me to make some sort of comeback. Anyway, sorry about the whole uncle/godfather thing. I don't know what I keep thinking he's his uncle. Ugh.

Oh yeah, and if anyone wants to know what the squid was saying, just ask…WHEN YOU REVIEW! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!

DANG NABBIT!


	11. The mystery revealed

**Author's Notes: **Ehlo! I think this is the longest chapter yet…and I wrote it faster then the others. Strange.

I wanted to have a Christmas chapter in time, so yeah, had to get this up before then.

CHRISTMASSSSSS IS COMINGGGGGG!

Excited!

A lot of confusing OOS (Out of story…made it myself) action…may get confusing…do I care? Nope. Lol.

Finally got Dumbledore in. Dumbledore's my favorite character, so yeah, it was nice writing him. Lol, if this were a less demented story I would've made him as he really is…but all my characters are slightly distorted…so don't expect Dumbledore to act much like Dumbledore. 

He is God.

So is Rowling.

I consider Rowling kinda like Dumbledore.

Yeah.

I was going to say something else but I forgot. Oh well.

Once again, Harriet has kindly pointed out another error.

It's Puddlemere…not…whatever I said. Lol. 

Note to self: Stop forgetting to kill Harriet.

**Chapter 11**

"Are you SURE?" Harry asked again.

"Harry, leave me alone! I told you I don't have any gold under me!" Oliver Wood exclaimed, incredibly annoyed. 

Harry was in the process of upturning the cushions that Oliver had previously sat upon.

"How would _YOU_ know if it's _UNDER_ you?" Harry said distractedly.

Harry Potter had shown up that afternoon at the apartment of Oliver Wood, Gryffindor's past Quidditch captain. The older boy was overjoyed to see his best Seeker at first, but was quickly getting more and more annoyed, for as soon as he let the boy in he had begun asking strange questions and searching his apartment…possibly for drugs. Seems in one year he had gone completely insane. 

"Are you sure you haven't had any gold under you, ever?" Harry asked.

"Well…I DID have a date with Paris Hilton yesterday…"

BA DA CHH!

Harry looked disturbed. "That's not what I meant…"

Oliver looked smug.

"…I said gold, not trash…"

BA DA CHH!

Oliver's smug smile faded.

"Well, I guess I was wrong. I hate how Hermione's always right," Harry glared.

"It's a fact of life Harry," Oliver replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play with my broomstick."

Harry's eyes widened. "Nothin' sketchy about THAT!" he said sarcastically.

Perhaps I should up my rating on this thing…

…nah.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"…so let's go over this again. The ghost said there was gold _beneath _Oliver wood?" Hermione raised a brow.

Harry and Hermione were sitting cross-legged on Harry's bed, going over the clues that ghosts had given him. So far they hadn't come to any conclusions as to why Oliver Wood was not concealing gold underneath himself.

"Well, he didn't say Oliver exactly…he mentioned Wood though…"

"And you assumed it was Oliver?" Hermione sighed. "And why, exactly, did you think the ghost was talking about Oliver Wood?"

"Well…" Harry began. "Well, when it said 'wood' it used italics, and the word 'italics' begins with the letter I, and Irish begins with I, and Oliver has an Irish accent…it all seemed to fit at the time…"

At this point Hermione seriously considered suicide…as do all angsty teens who can't deal with such horrible realities such as homework and mean parents. 

It's all so tragic.

That's enough of my biting social commentary…

"Harry, Oliver is Scottish…and plus, that's only in the movie," Hermione pointed out.

Harry looked put-out.

"Anyway, what else could 'wood' have implied?" Hermione asked.

"I have no idea! My broomstick maybe? A tree? THE WHOMPING WILLOW! THAT'S IT! LUPIN MUST BE BACK!" Harry yelled happily.

"But what does Lupin have to do with gold?" Hermione quirked an eyebrow.

"Good point…" Harry scrunched up his face, trying to think.

Hermione looked around the room, her eyes sweeping over the small cigar box Harry was sent anonymously through owl postman. "What about the cigar box? Usually when something random is sent to you it serves a purpose…"

Harry was quiet for a moment, slowing getting to his feet and reaching out for the cigar box. He stopped, his hand an inch from the wood, finally breaking the tense, dramatic silence with one word…

"Nah," he shrugged, walking back over to the bed and sitting down, box-less

At this point God is pulling out his hair, and many, many fairies are dying.

"CLAP PETER, CLAP!" Tinker Bell yelled at the author's laptop screen, which was lying on the lap of that very shadowy, omnipotent author. Wait a second…STOP READING MY STORY! 

Stupid fairies. 

Harry and Hermione didn't seem to notice the small scuffle in the corner of the room. They were too busy looking into each others' eyes, suddenly realizing that all this time love was in front of their faces and they couldn't see it. They inched closer and closer until…

…just joking, I'm an R/H shipper.

Hermione, being the sensible one…and trying to take her mind off her insatiable thirst…decided to take things into her own hands.

"PAY AT-TEN-TION!" she smacked Harry's face hard, once to every syllable.

BA DA CHH!

"Ok! Stop hitting me!" Harry sobbed. "Must I suffer abuse my whole life!"

Hermione stopped, looking teary-eyed. "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry!" she lunged towards him, hugging him tight.

Harry grinned over her shoulder. _Works every time.___

Harry's smug grin was suddenly quenched when Hermione wouldn't let go. "Hermione…Hermione, let go…"

Hermione cackled manically, inching closer to Harry's neck.

How's Harry going to get out of this o-

-aaaand for some reason Buffy the Vampire Slayer is playing…

I'm losing control of my own story.

"EAT WOOD EVIL BLOODSUCKER!" a short, spunky blonde chirped, brandishing a wooden stake, and a pretty nice pair of b-

"-OOTS!" poked his head out from behind the author. 

Why do random, make-believe characters keep bothering me while I'm trying to write? 

Geez, and people ask me why I take so long to write.

Now, back to Buffy.

~*~*~

"…but Giles, I don't understand," Buffy pouted her full, perfect lips, twisting a piece of blonde hair around a finger.

"You never do," Xander growled.

"Shut up, stupid name boy!" Buffy glared.

"You know, I don't have to take this…I'M BRITISH," Giles shouted, leaving the room, books in hand…

~*~*~

I DIDN'T MEAN GO TO THE SHOW, I MEANT BUFFY IN THE STORY. INCOMPETENT CLIP PLAYER GUY! HE'S SO FIRED.

"You'll never take me alive biotch!" Hermione screeched, letting go of Harry and facing the spunky blonde.

Buffy then proceeded to do a number of high kicks. Love those high kicks.

Hermione tapped her foot, waiting for the girl to stop with the karate moves. She checked her watch a couple of times, and by the time she was finished tying her shoe the slayer was done.

"Impressive," Hermione nodded.

"Thanks, I've got a trainer," Buffy smiled.

"I really LOVE that shirt! Where'd you get it?" Hermione asked.

"Oh! They were selling them at _Vampire Slayers, it's a very popular store amongst people like me," Buffy grinned._

"Oh man, I wish us vampires had a store like that…all we get are black trench coats, skimpy red dresses, and leather," Hermione sighed.

"Ummm…sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to see less gabbing and more jabbing," Harry spoke up from the bed.

Wow did that sound wrong.

"Oh yeah," the girls said together, commencing the glaring.

"You're going DOWN," Buffy screeched.

"You already said that," Hermione pointed out.

"Oh, sorry…bad writers," Buffy nodded.

She better not be talking about me.

Buffy suddenly did a back flip, dazzling Hermione long enough to throw her stake, aimed directly at Hermione's heart.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Harry screamed, trying to take the stake for her…as heroes always do. Unfortunately his legs got tangled in the sheets and he ended up hanging upside down off the side of the bed. 

The stake stuck directly in the spot where Hermione's heart was.

"Ow! That hurt!" Hermione complained, pulling out the stake. 

"But…how?" Buffy stammered.

Hermione smiled. "I always keep 'Hogwarts, a History' close to my heart," she pulled the large, hard-cover book from under her robes, the wooden stake stuck in the center.

"Smart," Buffy looked impressed.

"So yeah…now I'm gonna have to blast you with my magic," Hermione put the book down on the bed calmly.

"I understand," Buffy nodded, and was promptly blasted away by Hermione's magic. 

Hermione placed her wand back in her pocket, turning around and sitting on the edge of the bed. "So…how's about we open that cigar box and see what we find?"

Harry was too scared to speak, so he just nodded.

Hermione walked over to the dresser and grabbed the box, sitting down on the bed and placing it in her lap.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Let's all go to the lobby

Let's all go to the lobby

Let's all go to the lobby

To get ourselves some snacks.

If you just happen to be thirsty…hungry…a bit tired…now is the time to go eat, drink, or sleep.

Alright…NOW!

I'm waiting right here.

Doo doo doo.

Still waiting.

Maybe you can get me some cookies and milk. I have a hankering for some cookies and milk. 

Or not.

Maybe some chicken fingers.

Well, I think you've had enough time. Back to the show.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hermione lifted the lid of the wooden box, revealing the neat row of cigars inside. "Now…what was that line again?"

"I've said it several thousand times! Yeesh woman, it's not that hard too remember!" Harry grumbled.

"Hey, WHO was the one who fought the kung-fu Barbie doll, huh?" Hermione glared.

"Fine…below the wood you'll find the gold," Harry repeated the phrase.

"Hmmm…" Hermione thought for a second, suddenly flipping the box upside down and letting all the cigars tumble onto the bed.

"Hermione! What are you doing?! That's Ron's Christmas present!" Harry screeched.

"Oh shut up you rich bastard…" Hermione spat, poking the bottom of the box.

Harry sniffed, wiping away a silent tear.

After a few moments of silent box poking Harry spoke up. "What're you doing?"

"Looking for a false bottom," Hermione said.

"Oh! Just look in any one of those fashion magazines…there are loads of them in there!" Harry grinned.

"Not THAT kind!" Hermione rolled her eyes. Then, with absolute perfect timing allowing for a nice dramatic effect, Hermione pulled out the false bottom of the box. "THIS KIND!"

Harry nodded approvingly. "That was pretty cool".

"Hey look at this!" Hermione gasped. "CHOCOLATE!"

"Chocolate?" Harry raised a brow. "What happened to the whole 'gold' thing?"

"It's a single pot of gold chocolate! GET IT? That's so clever!" Hermione laughed.

Harry tried to suppress his rage through overly-fake smiling.

"It's not that bad Harry…I love pot of gold chocolates!" Hermione picked up the small chocolate. "And it's the nut one! I love how it looks like a little peanut butter cup," she giggled and bit into it. 

Harry continued to suppress his rage.

"Mmm, it's good!" she said. "Wait a second…what's this? There's something folded on the bottom of the wrapper…"

Still angry…yet intrigued.

"It looks like…gold?" Hermione choked on her chocolate.

Rage dwindling…

Hermione scooped the remaining chocolate out of the paper cup, picking the golden paper out of the bottom and unfolding it.

"What is it?" Harry asked eagerly, snatching the paper out of Hermione's hand.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hmmm…I think I should do another one of these pointless breaks in the story…I find it funny.

So yeah, peanut butter sandwiches would be good right about now.

Perhaps you must use the washroom. 

If so, you better go now.

Go on, I'll wait…

…

…

Done?

Alright, back to story…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Congratulations Harry Potter. You and your friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are invited to the first and last ever public opening of 'Billy Wonks's chocolate factory..." Harry read, holding the golden ticket out in front of him. "Wait a second…how do they know our names? And…Billy Wonks? That sounds a lot like Willy Wonk-"

"ER!" Ron burst into the room, face flushed with happiness.

"Willy Wonker?" Harry raised a brow inquisitively. Ron was obviously losing his censoring touch.

"No! ER! Dumbledore conjured a muggle telem-izon into the great hall and we're all watching it!" He stopped as his eye spotted the gold of the ticket in Harry's hand. "What's going on?"

"We've got tickets to Billy Wonks's Chocolate Factory," Harry answered, holding out the ticket for Ron to see.

Ron snatched the piece of paper from Harry's fingers (much like Harry did to Hermione…cept Ron didn't have to deal with Harry getting angry and going after his blood…), his eyes scanning the words quickly before looking back up at Harry. "Billy Wonks? That sounds a lot like Willy Wonk-"

"ER!" Dean burst into the room suddenly, knocking Ron to the ground. 

"Oh not again," Hermione huffed, quite annoyed with all the madness surrounding her twenty-four hours a day.

Dean narrowed his eyes at Hermione, eye twitching. "What are you saying Hermione? I've been in here before? There's more then one of me? Clones? You're cloning me! It's the government! The government is making evil clones of me which they're gonna use to take over the world! And you're in on it! You're all in on it! I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE MAKING CLONES OF ME TO TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD USING MY CLONES! BUT I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T!" Dean said all this extremely fast, almost incoherently, and then jumped out a nearby window.

"That guy just gets weirder every day," Ron picked himself off the ground, batting at his pants.

Hermione rolled her eyes, the urge to prove how much of a hypocrite Ron was. "Really now Ron? And what if I were to say F-"

"-RIDAY!" Ron interrupted her in his usual manner, looking dejected.

"Game, set and match," she grinned, swinging her legs over Harry's bed and getting to her feet, Harry following a few minutes later.

"So, d'you think we should go?" Harry asked Hermione, falling into step beside her.

"Well it is kind of suspicious. It's obviously some sort of plot on your life," Hermione answered. "But knowing you, you didn't listen to a word I just said and will end up going anyway, so…sure Harry, I think we should go!"

"Me too! This will be fun! I love having a reason to break the rules!" Harry giggled happily.

"But first, I think we should tell Dumbledore," Hermione added.

Harry and Ron groaned.

"Hermione! That's takes all the danger and adventure out of it!" Ron pouted.

"Oh stuff it Ron, you know once we get there something strange, unusual, and dangerous will happen," Hermione rolled her eyes.

She had a point.

"Fine! Geez, let's go see Dumbledore," Harry sighed.

Hermione stopped in her tracks. "Y-you…you actually…listened to me?"

Ron and Harry blinked.

"You never listen to me! ESPECIALLY when I tell you to talk to a teacher and/or Dumbledore about something! It's always 'they wouldn't understand', 'we're gonna get in trouble', 'Dumbledore can't help us now'. I mean, come on…REALLY. He's the most powerful wizard in the world and you think he can't do what a couple of 15 year olds can?" Hermione babbled.

Ron and Harry blinked again.

"Can we go now?" Ron asked.

Hermione nodded and continued walking, still mumbling to herself, while Harry skipped and hummed the words to 'We're off to see the Wizard'.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The trek to Dumbledore's office continued ten minutes later, with Harry continually singing…and skipping…and singing some more.

"Shut UP Harry," Ron let out an annoyed sigh.

The three of them walked the rest of the way in silence.

They got all the way up to the large, ugly stone gargoyle which covered the entrance to Dumbledore's office (or the Griffin statue, if you're going by the movies…which you shouldn't…because the books are better), when they realized they didn't know the password. When will Harry learn?

"Why is it always impossible to get to Dumbledore…especially when we need him," Harry asked.

"No idea, I think we should go ask McGonagall where he is," Hermione answered.

The three of them turned away from the gargoyle and made their way down the corridor once again.

"You know, after five years of being right about everything around here, why is it teachers continue to ignore everything I say?" Harry asked.

"I think it was that incident in first year…when you were totally and completely wrong about Snape…that was a stupid move Harry," Ron shook his head.

"Hey! You thought it was him too!" Harry said angrily.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Ron patted Harry's shoulder.

"You just wait until the next time we're in mortal danger and see if I save your arse!" Harry growled.

Somewhere between the threats and pie throwing they found themselves at McGonagall's door.

"Oh, by the way, is she still a cat?" Ron asked.

"No! Geez Ron, that was, like, four chapters ago!" Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

Harry lifted his fist to knock on the door.

"Harry, no need to do that," Hermione took a keychain packed with twenty or so different sized keys, choosing a small, silver one. 

Harry and Ron stared at her, causing Hermione to slowly look up. "What? Teachers feel they can trust me…and what if one day I leave a bit of homework in class?" she explained, looking terrified at the thought.

Harry would definitely be using this to his advantage in the future.

Hermione unlocked the door to the classroom and the three made their way inside, Ron hesitating at in the frame.

"It's okay Mr. Weasley, I promise I won't leave tuna in your backpack again," Professor McGonagall's voice could be heard from the front of the room. She was seated at her desk, books strewn around her.

"Professor! You're okay!" Hermione exclaimed cheerily.

Professor McGonagall nodded slightly, with her customary false stern face. "Headmaster Dumbledore set me straight."

"Speaking of the Headmaster, we really need to speak with him. Can you help us get up to his office?" Ron asked.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "And why do you need to speak to him?" 

"Is there a point to us telling you, cause you're just gonna tell us some excuse like 'he's not in the castle' or 'he's very busy' or even 'get the hell out of my face'," Harry looked annoyed.

"Well since you pointed out what we've all been thinking over the past 6 years, I'll take you to him," McGonagall stood, fixing her hat and leading the way out of the room.

Harry just couldn't believe telling the truth worked so well. It probably wouldn't in Rowling's books. 

Rowling is God.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Professor brought her fist to the wood, rapping, rapping on the chamber door.

Only that and nothing more.

"Come in," a very aged voice was heard from the other side of the oak door leading to Dumbledore's office. Professor McGonagall pushed the door open, closing it behind her with a snap. The three teenagers heard the muffled voices of Professor McGonagall and the Headmaster speaking. All too quickly the tall, stern-looking witch exited the room, motioning for the three to enter.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione jumped as the door closed with a loud snap, standing with their backs pressed to the door, staring around the large, circular room. Harry had fond memories of this place. Dumbledore's phoenix bursting into flame, learning of his impending doom, smashing things…ahh yes, it was a sanctuary.

"Good evening…Mister Bond," a voice was heard from the other side of the room. The kids' attention was directed towards a large leather chair sitting behind a desk, its back facing them.

"Umm…it's the afternoon sir," Ron spoke up.

The chair swiveled around the reveal a very old man with a long flowing silver beard and mustache. He looked at the three of them over the top of his half-moon spectacles. "So it is," he replied. "So. It. Is."

'_Improper use of periods_,' my fourth grade English teacher tutted, watching over my shoulder. She marked something in red pen and disappeared into the mist to the 'Wicked Witch of the West' theme music from 'The Wizard of Oz'.

"So…" Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, obviously waiting for them to speak.

"So…" Harry said, leaning back against the door.

"So…" Ron said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"So…" Dobby spoke up from his hiding place in the closet.

Hermione took it upon herself to explain the situation. After telling Dumbledore all about the wooden box, the clues, the Golden ticket, and the underwear she stole from Snape, they all stood there in silence.

Ron finally broke the silence. "Headmaster, could we possibly sit down?"

Dumbledore gave Ron a piercing look. "But you ARE sitting, Mr. Weasley."

Sure enough, the teenagers realized they were sitting.

"How did he…?" Ron whispered to Harry.

"…it's Dumbledore," Harry whispered back.

This seemed to explain everything. 

All was silent while Dumbledore seemed to be thinking. "Well, I believe that it should be your decision whether or not it is wise to go," Dumbledore began.

"Score!" Ron exclaimed. "Chocolate here we come!"

"However," Dumbledore smiled slightly under his silver beard at Ron's rashness.

"Oh not one of these talks," Harry slid lower in his chair. He knew a lot about Dumbledore's 'talks', considering the fact that he was in his office at the end of almost every year since he started at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore pretended he didn't hear that. "However, I must press upon you the obvious fact that this may very well be a trap. I know, Harry, that you are an idiot, and you enjoy putting yourself in harm's way, but I'm inclined to warn you that there is a very likely chance you will get hurt in some way. I also do not want to play psychologist once again to your adolescent psychodrama. After your godfather's death last year I would expect you to be more careful." The old wizard gave Harry the 'look'. The one where Harry could tell he knew something that he pretended he didn't. Such is the mystery of Albus Dumbledore.

Harry nodded in reply.

Ron looked stricken. "Harry! We _have to go! We just _have _to!"_

Hermione smacked Ron across the back of the head. "Stop trying to influence him!"

Harry bashed both their heads together. "Shut up tha both of yas!"

Dumbledore was seriously reminded of the three stooges. Ron would be Larry. Definitely.

"I think I'll go," Harry made up his mind. "Otherwise this story would have no point and we'd be stuck in one of those plot-less fanfiction stories that don't go anywhere."

Dumbledore nodded. "Makes sense, but don't come crying to me if something goes wrong."

Harry nodded.

Dumbledore suddenly reverted back to his old, mysterious, kind ways. "Be careful Harry, and always remember, where there's a will, there's…FRIED CHICKEN!"

Dumbledore pulled out a bucket of KFC and offered a wing to Harry.

"The colonel got to you too, eh?" Harry nodded.

"Oh yes Harry…the colonel gets to everyone sooner or later," Dumbledore answered.

X-files music.

The three students got up, making their way to the door with pieces of chicken in their hands. 

"Thank you Headmaster!" Harry called out before the door closed behind them.

Dumbledore sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Oh Harry, when will you learn…" he shook his head, taking a bite out of his chicken breast.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

References to Edgar Allen Poe's "the Raven"…if you hadn't already known what that was when you read the part. If you still don't know what part I'm talking about…YOU ILLITERATE BASTARD!

I'm joking of course *shifty*

**Nic****-** Cleanse the bitterness Nic…cleanse it. Wash it all away. Do some yoga or something, Lol. Wench. JOKING. MAKE MORE PICTURES FOR MEEE! I was kinda confused by your first review, so good thing you posted it again! Lol! 

**Gred****-** Lol, your ghetto slang is perfectly fine. Neville would be pleased. And yes…he is French…I was throwing around the idea of Italian, but I don't think squids eat pasta. Word.

**Tarawen****- Lmao! I love the multiple reviews! You're pretty cool! And I'm gonna try listening to Star Wars Episode II while writing my next chapter. Don't be surprised if I have more Star Wars references, lol.**

**Backsplash007-** Well since I write slower then an armless person, by the time I realized I had no Halloween chapter it was two weeks away from Christmas. And since Halloween is a big time for Magical people I added it in, and am now working on a Christmas chapter. Cause Christmas rocks. And I shall put the translation below.

**Venix****-** Always acting the innocent one. I know you're gonna attack me with Quidditch equipment once my back is turned. And sure, you can have a monkey…your mother promised she'd buy you one and let it stay in her house. *evilgrin* Divorce is fun. LMAO

**Perfectly sane girl-** There aren't any killer pumpkins…but there ARE killer Brussels sprouts. Why do you think they're so gross? Let's do it this way…you send me 1 million dollars, I send you 10 thousand dollars! 10 thousand dollars just for reviewing! And I don't need toe nail clippers…I use the lawn mower. Very effective. Btw, send me 'slightly homicidal' money when you get a chance.

**The Lynx- **Damn, did the temperature suddenly drop a few degrees? It's a bit chilly in here…even a bit cold…lol! Fine then, I meant "it" as well! *shifty* *dies inwardly* joking. 

**Harry/Harriet- STOP CORRECTING ME OR I'LL EAT YOUR DOG…DAMN IT! **Lmao! Why must we always fight…*sniff* I really miss Grimmauld! *sobchoke*

**Dragonfly-child- **What kind of story would it be if I didn't add in Cruella Deville? I square Ron. *nod*

**Silverphoenix****- *Not going to make fool of self* *Not going to go crazy* *Not going to make people think he's an insane stalker* Ahhh who am I kidding…YOU RULE! Lol! You truly are my hero! You're the reason I STARTED writing this! Thanks so much for reviewing; you have no idea how much that means to me! Woot! **

Alright…enough of that…

…HERO I TELL YOU!

Ok, done.

Translation for Squiddy:

**_J'espère_****_ que vous tous les deux tombez dans un grand bol de pudding-_ I hope that you both fall into a large bowl of pudding**

**_Enfants_****_ d'idiot. Je vous mangerai maintenant!-_ Idiot children! I shall eat you now!**

**_Damnez-vous_****_ tous les deux! Revenez ici! J'ai faim! Pourquoi doivent-ils toujours fonctionner?-_ Damn you both! Come back here! I'm hungry! Why must they always run?**

I have a picture of squiddy and of Harry, but I'm not allowed to put URL's on here. Grrrrr.


	12. The Hello Kitty Diary

**Author's Notes: **Hey! Sorry this took so long! I wanted to get a Christmas chapter up but I was too lazy.

School sucks.

Don't do school, stay in drugs.

I'm now inclined to say I was joking, so people don't get offended.

*whispers* I wasn't joking.

Sooo…here it is. It's very confusing to me…for some reason…I'm in a very psychotic mood tonight. So yeah, if it's so random you feel like you can't breathe then I've done my job.

…or have I?

DUN NA NA!

Ok, that's enough of that.

Happy New Year and all the tripe. 

**Chapter 12**

_Star log date 1 and 5 hours till evacuation to the placebo. Sitting beside me is Captain H. She hums…humming I tell you! _

_I do believe I will not make it to evacuation time. (Note to self: reschedule evacuation time.) _

_Why must everything smell of cabbage? Headaches…fumes…much too strong…don't know if I will make it…_

_(Ha! Made you look!)_

_I feel slightly lost in the lesson…but yet slightly discovered! It all makes sense now…all the words that I speak (or write) are LAW… (Note to self: when I become ruler of all men, make this law). _

_Class is loud, "nut in bag," that will be law as well!_

Harry sat in History of Magic, randomly writing things in his sailor moon diary, cleverly disguised as a hello kitty diary.

Oh Harry, you wacky guy, you.

Hermione leaned over in her seat, glancing at the words he had written in the strange, pink book. "What the hell?" was all she could muster, the confusion debilitating her.

Harry closed the book, hiding it under his History of Magic textbook and blindly staring at the front of the class.

All the children cheered with happiness as the end of the period rolled around, gathering their things and piling out of the classroom.

"Harry Potter!" the voice of Professor McGonagall rang out over the din of the crowd of students, startling our little feathered friend.

Wait…scratch that whole feather thing.

Unless…

…nah.

Harry pushed his way through the crowd towards his Head of House. "Yes Professor? Am I in trouble again?"

"Probably," McGonagall answered. "Thankfully it isn't with me…I'm getting a bit tired of shutting your fingers in my office door."

Harry shivered.

"You're to come with me," she remarked, turning on a heel and walking through the crowd of students, Harry in pursuit.

_'Why does everything happen to me?' _Harry thought to himself.

Well duh Harry, the book _is called 'Harry Potter', not the amazing adventures of Professor Binns._

Although, he was fairly sure he had seen a book like that in Flourish and Blotts.

The horror.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry followed the Professor to her office, the two of them being closely followed by Ron and Hermione.

"BAH!" Harry gasped when he turned and saw them there. "When did you two get here?"

"Oh Harry," Hermione rolled her eyes. "We ALWAYS follow you everywhere," Hermione stated matter-of-factly.

True.

"Now just go in, there is someone waiting for you," Professor McGonagall said, unlocking the door and walking away.

"I bet it's you-know-who!" Ron said excitedly.

"You're an idiot," Hermione commented.

The three children stepped into the room, to be greeted by their one-favorite ex-Professor.

"PROFESSOR LUPIN?" the kids chorused, mouths hanging open.

"…ehlo…" he replied.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"Well, since Sirius was introduced into the story, I figured I would pop in as well…" he answered. "But I'm supposed to tell you that I'm here to help Harry prepare for something or other."

"I was right!" Harry exclaimed, interrupting.

"…about…?" Hermione raised a brow.

"…Lupin being back! I said that the wood could've meant the Whomping Willow, and that Lupin was back! You were…WRONG!" Harry seemed overjoyed at this.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You would be right…if you weren't so wrong," Hermione smirked, very Malfoy-like. "I never said he COULDN'T be back, I just pointed out that your claim had nothing to do with the gold. Therefore, _I_ was right and _you_ were wrong."

"Darn," Harry sighed.

"Can someone tell me what the hell you two are talking about?" Lupin finally spoke up.

" Professor," Harry's eyes were wide, "you swore!"

"I like it," Hermione licked her lips in Lupin's direction.

Lupin looked scared.

"Hermione! Don't you know that vampires and werewolves hate each other? Haven't you seen the movie Underworld?" Harry scoffed.

"My cousin told me it sucked," Hermione answered.

"That's not the point," Harry glared.

Lupin was confused as usual. "Who's a vampire? What?"

"Forget it," Harry sighed, longing for the days when vampires and werewolves would be as one.

"As I was saying…" Lupin continued. "I'm here to help you Harry."

"I don't understand why you're always the one to teach me the important lessons…you don't even work here anymore," Harry looked confused.

"Hey man, I just do what I'm told, don't shoot the messenger," Lupin shrugged. He reached into his battered briefcase and expelled a pile of papers, idly flipping through them. "It says here that you've had a minor rash on your bum for a couple of weeks…" Lupin began.

Harry turned bright red. "It's not a rash! I fell!" 

Ron shook with silent laughter.

"Oh! So THAT'S why you've been having trouble sitting still in classes," Hermione exclaimed.

"Is there a point to my humiliation?" Harry asked, his face red. "How is this helping me anyway?"

"It's not, I just sayin' is all…" Lupin sat down on a couch conveniently placed behind him, sipping a cup of coffee that was conveniently sitting on a conveniently placed table beside the conveniently placed couch. It was all so convenient. "Now, you've gotten an invitation to Billy Wonks's chocolate factory…" the man furrowed his brows. "That sounds strangely like Willy Won-"

"-ton!" Ron finished.

Lupin blinked. "What was that?"

"Ron's become a censor," Harry answered.

"I've done no such thing," Ron replied, drawing a rectangular box over a McDonald's logo with black marker.

"Anyway, you're gonna be going to this chocolate factory," Lupin continued. "And you gotta have figured there's an 80% chance that this is a trap…"

"Yeah, but I'm supposed to be stubborn," Harry shrugged.

"…and a moron…" Hermione chimed in.

"…and rather dim…" Ron offered.

Harry look dejected.

"Well, my time here is almost up because this chapter is getting too long already, so just know that someday, somewhere, when you least expect it, blah blah blah you're on candid camera, etcetera."

The kids looked thoroughly confused.

"Just go away," Lupin motioned to the door, taking a sip of his convenient coffee of convenience.

The kids said their farewells and made their way out the door. 

"He's a lot meaner then I remember," Hermione commented as soon as the door had closed behind them.

"Well, Underworld was a _really_ BAD movie," Harry explained.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was lunchtime in the Old Castle…school…thingy…and all the students were seated in the great hall, piling food onto their plates.

At the Gryffindor table best friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were discussing refreshing, fruity beverages…

"Fruitopia is a magical drink…why do you think it has such a delightful fruity flavor?" Ron asked.

"…Germans?" Harry replied.

"Well…that is a pretty good explanation…but no, it's magic," Ron shrugged.

"Wow, but I thought we're supposed to keep magic away from muggles? This stuff is all over the non-magical world!" Harry exclaimed.

Ron shrugged again…I think he thinks it makes him look cool and nonchalant…it does. "Muggles like to believe anything good has nothing to do with magic…like snack cakes…and Johnny Depp".

"Johnny Depp is a wizard!?" Harry's jaw dropped.

"Oh yeah…why do you think he can look completely different in every one of his movies?" Ron replied.

"I never thought of that," Harry nodded his head, looking impressed.

Suddenly and without warning (where is that from? Hmm…) Seamus Finnigan came running into the Hall, screaming.

"TROOOOOLL IN THE DUNGEON!" he screeched. 

Everyone screamed…including the teachers.

"Naw, I was just screwin' with you," he laughed. "But seriously, I got a Golden Ticket!"

Everyone cheered…including the teachers.

And then he began to sing…

_I never thought my life could be  
Anything but catastrophe  
But suddenly I begin to see  
A bit of good luck for me  
  
'Cause I've got a golden ticket  
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye…_

"Now you've got something else in your eye!" Draco Malfoy interrupted Seamus's solo, throwing a pop can at his face. His groupies giggled and petted his hair.

Seamus screamed as the pop can got lodged in his eye somehow, flailing his arms and tripping, rolling back out of the Great Hall.

"…you know, the story would've been a lot more accurate if you were the last one to get the ticket after a huge scandal involving some rich foreign guy and a lot of inner turmoil…" Ron pointed out.

Harry shrugged. "I've had enough inner turmoil for a while".

"So, there is more then one person invited to the factory," Hermione pondered.

"Oh no, she's doing that thing again," Ron sighed.

"What thing?" Harry asked.

"You know, that thing where her eyes get all squinty and she strokes her chin kinda," Ron tried to explain.

"Oh, you mean thinking?"

"That's it!" Ron looked triumphant.

"We'll just see who else gets invited to this 'factory'," Hermione whispered, the camera panning in for a close up.

Harry blinked. "I really want to know whose camera that is…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The evening meal had just finished and Harry, unable to handle the pressures of being a celebrity and a little gassy from all the free cheese samples he kept hidden under his cloak, was walking along the grounds of Hogwarts, kicking up rocks and looking moody. He heard something coming towards him, sounding almost like a strong wind blowing in his direction.

"What is t-"

His partially asked question was answered as he spotted the blur of black hair rushing towards him.

"Oh HARRY," Cho sobbed, flinging herself onto him. "Why is life so HORRIBLE?!"

Harry tried to ignore her, which was kind of hard considering she was clinging to his waist.

Cho was screaming something about Cedric and line dancing when Neville saved him.

"Yo bizzle, why you trippin'?" 

Cho was so confused she actually stopped crying. "Excuse me?"

While the two of them tried to converse Harry slipped away, running back to the castle as fast as his legs would carry him…which wasn't too fast, cause he ran like a girl. Literally. He was wearing heels and everything.

As soon as he flung open the doors to the school, he conveniently spotted Ron and Hermione walking by. How very…

…convenient.

Ron was gazing intently at a small book in his hands, frantically scribbling. Hermione looked annoyed, as usual.

"What's Ron doing?" Harry asked, falling into step beside them.

"My mom sent me a book of Mad Libs she bought from a store in London…Ron's been having fun with it all day," Hermione explained.

"…a squirrel and a ghost dancing to polka?! That doesn't happen! THIS IS CRAZAY!" Ron burst into a fit of giggles.

The other two remained silent for the rest of their journey, whatever that happened to be, listening to Ron giggle and squeal at the Mad Libs he was creating.

"Listen to this one! 'Somewhere over the _review, __reviewers review, birds _review_ over the _review_, why then, oh why can't I _review_," Ron recited._

"What does review mean?" Harry asked.

Ron looked shifty, "nothin'".

He's workin' for me people…obey or I shall smite you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I have an urge," Harry spoke up after a long silence.

Harry and Ron were sitting in their room, staring and sitting and stuff.

"An urge to what?" Ron asked.

"I don't know…it's just…an urge?"

"Well stop it, it's freaking me out," Ron gave Harry a funny look.

"I can't STOP it! It's an urge!" Harry threw his hands up.

"How can you just have an urge? You must know what it's for!" Ron exclaimed.

"But that's just the thing! I don't know why, I just do!" 

"Maybe you're hungry," Ron pointed out.

Silence.

"You know…I think that's it," Harry looked impressed.

"You see, it's impossible to have an urge for no reason!" Ron nodded.

"Or is it…?"

Their moment of quiet contemplation was interrupted by a tap-tap-tapping upon the window.

"Who is that tap-tap-tapping upon your window, master potter?" Ron asked.

"I am not certain, Ronald. Do see who it is which tap-tap-taps upon my window at this hour," Harry replied.

"Yes sir," Ronald promptly made his way over to the window, pulling the curtains apart.

"Well? Is there a reason for this tap-tap-tapping upon my window?"

And suddenly, Ron's eyes widened in sheer horror, letting out a blood curdling scream as he jumped back. "Oh my god! Look, Harry! It's…

…ELIJAH WOOD!"

"It's ME you idiot!" Hermione growled, tumbling into the room through the window.

"Or…Hermione…same difference…" Ron shrugged, dragging a chair to the corner of the room and grabbing something out of his schoolbag.

"I just heard Harry! You will NEVER guess who got the third golden ticket!" Hermione said with excitement. "Your COUSIN! Dudley!"

Ron and Harry voiced their anger and confusion.

"How!? He's not even a wizard!" Harry fumed. 

"Well, apparently they were looking for a really ugly, fat child to join the group, and he was their first choice!" Hermione explained.

Their conversation was interrupted by the squeals and giggles of Ron. He was sitting in the corner, the Mad Libs book opened on his lap.

"Ron, don't tell me you brought that book again," Harry groaned.

"Listen Harry! Listen! It's hilarious! Mary had a little _spoon_, it's _spoon_ as white as _spoon_!" Ron laughed himself into a frenzy.

"Ron, did you just replace every space with 'spoon'?" Hermione raised a brow.

"That's what's so FUNNY Hermione! God, you never understand anything!" Ron patted his stomach heartily.

"He really scares me sometimes," Hermione whispered.

Harry agreed.

"I wonder who else will get picked," Hermione thought out loud.

"I really should get ready for bed," Harry announced, sitting down on the bed. He took off his glasses, reaching for a piece of clothing.

He pulled of the garment to reveal his…

***Nudity*** 

***Caution*** 

***Nudity*** 

***Caution*** 

***Nudity***

***Caution***

…big toe

Both Hermione and Ron gasped.

"Harry…it's so BIG," Hermione gasped.

"Harry, it's hairy, Harry!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry waggled his toe suggestively, causing Hermione to faint. Ron caught her in his arms, glaring at Harry. 

"Harry, I would appreciate it if you didn't flaunt yourself in front of the girl."

"Sorry," Harry shrugged, clipping his toenails.

When Hermione finally came to she staggered to the door, a huge smile plastered on her face. After saying their goodnights she left, leaving Ron to glare at Harry for several moments.

"Stop that," Harry ordered.

Ron hissed, throwing a sock at Harry's head and climbing into his bed, to dream of having such a magnificent toe as Harry's.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 And that's all she wrote…

…he wrote…

…they wrote…

Whatever.

**Venix- Step mommy? Nah…*shifty* lol. You know you've made it when people stop doing dishes to read your story. *wipes away tear***

**Nic**- Ha! You know she loves me more. :P She knows her daddy is much cooler. You must draw woman! Here I am slaving away on my story and you're there actually living life. Damn you!

**TheLynx**- Mutated chickens? Well I was wondering why my chicken had several claws! I would like a dancing muffin…or a jumping bean. I heard they don't jump…they just kinda hop…damn that false advertising.

**FatherFlamebird**- Why thank you! And the exchange student SHALL return…patience my young grasshopper.

**Harriet**- Sobchoke is SO a word…in…Hebrew…and…Canadian…it's a Canadian expression…yeah. And I WILL eat your dog.

**Kayti**** Summers- "Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence." *Grin***

**Vanyaria Darkshadow**- Yes, I am the greatest ever. You know it. That was sarcasm. Lol! Thanks for reviewing! You are now one of the few, the proud…the hungry. Wait, that's me. I'm so hungry.

**Dragonfly-child**- I love the Goldfish song! "The yummy snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off." *Is now searching for 'I am the Cheese' in his library*

**Gred**** Weasley**- LIESSS! ALL LIESSSS! *points* LIESSSSS! And you swore! *gasp* I'm telling! Be ashamed! Shame on you! Etc, etc…thanks for reviewing! Lol!

Thanks for the reviews! You 9 will be spared when my world domination plan comes into play.

Muahaha!

Harry's journal entry was based on something my friend wrote to me, and Chelle helped me out with the window part, lol. Thanks to both of you!

And yes, there was subliminal messaging in this chapter. Don't be surprised if you have the sudden urge to send me large sums of money.

Now, in the spirit of my favorite ff.net author Silver Pheonix25 and her lovely review songs…here is MY review song:

Reviewing is good

Reviewing is great

In a cup or in a plate

Reviewing for me

Reviewing for you

Don't forget the hamsters too…

Thank you Toronto…

That was to the tune of "Nana Nana Boo Boo"…kinda…not really…whatever.

Oh, and if you couldn't tell…I didn't like the movie Underworld very much…lol


	13. The curse of the teacher

**_UPDATED! WAHOO!_**

****

**Chapter 13**

**_SIKE!!!_**

Sorry people, not yet. This is what I like to call a "please don't stone me, it hurtses us so, nice hobbitses" filler note.

Or a: PDSMIHUSNHFN

**Setting: A bare, white-walled room, almost blinding to the eye. At first glance the size of it is impossible to tell, almost as if it were circular. The only splash of darkness emanated from the microphone stand in the centre of this strange, circular room.**

Suddenly a dark hole appeared in the wall, admitting the klutz-formerly-known-as-Neville Longbottom. He sauntered up to the microphone stand, trying not to trip over his baggy pants, which were now bunched around his ankles. They just get lower and lower every day…crazy teenagers.

Neville tapped on the microphone a couple of times, beat boxing in order to test it out. Once he was satisfied, he began to speak. "Yo buss dis. Whuz up all yall. I be here ta tell you dat Percydude be lazy an' haz not finished de chaptuh yet. Sheeit! Now, he tought if he brung out a favorite charactuh to break it down himself, you wouldn' chase him down de road wit sharp sticks an junk. I tink my wuk be done here. Thank you fa yo monkey ass time. Peace."

In other words: I'll have the next chapter up as soon as humanly possible. I hope my story's good enough to get away with the fact that it's taking me a billion years to write the next chapter.

Probably not…

…meh!

_Sincerest regards,_

Percydude.

Ps: Thought "sincerest regards" would sound a lot more professional then "Frum yo homie"…

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**I kept that up cause I thought it was funny, so there ya go.**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Author's notes:**

HOLAY JUICE!

This chapter took me…most of my young life. And it's FREAKING long. Lol. There are even SERIOUS parts, believe it or not. Yeah, it took me so long cause I can't write description for CRAP!

Although why someone would write something for crap I have no idea.

Anyway, so so so so so so so so so so sorry!! I kept trying to write certain parts and my brain would completely blank out.

*Sheepish* Baaaa

BA DA CHH!

*Scratches head* is it bad that even I didn't understand that? Meh

So…I decided to split it into two parts, because it was 23 pages, yikes. This is the first part, and the second part is the one I'm having loads of trouble with.

And now…

COME, WATSON! TO THE STORY!

Oh, and watch out for the new movie "My big, fat, vulgar Italian Wedding"

Coming to a theatre near you!

Psh, I WISH!

***Ps: There's something funky going on with the format, I'll try to fix it***

**Chapter 13**

A blur of colour could be spotted streaking (No, not THAT kind of streaking) by the mysterious floating camera that seemed to recently take residence in the castle.

**Freeze!**

Peeves floated, frozen, while captioning appeared on the bottom of the screen.

_Peeves the Poltergeist_

_(Annoyingus Ghostus)_

**Unfreeze!**

Peeves sprang to life again, speeding off-screen

~*~*~*A few feet away*~*~*~

Filch came chasing after the pesky ghost, giant boulder in hand.

**Freeze!**

_Argus Filch_

_(Nonmagicus Bitterus)_

The words appeared under the image of frozen filch, boulder being balanced in his arms.

"Could you hurry it up," Filch muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "This thing is bloody heavy!"

**Unfreeze!**

The caretaker's limbs unfroze at once, commencing his chasing of the pesky ghost.

Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley sat in lawn chairs nearby, munching on popcorn.

"You know the damn roadrunner's gonna get away, he always does!" Ron heckled, throwing popcorn at nothing in particular.

"Who knows?! Today might be the day!" Harry exclaimed, optimistically.

Hermione silently crept up behind them, baring her sharp fangs.

"Hey Hermione, mind handing me my pop?" Harry asked, holding his hand out. And yes, I said pop, not soda, damn yanks.

"How did you know I was here?" Hermione pouted, picking up the conveniently placed drink and dropping it in his hand.

"I'm Harry Potter, I can do anything," he answered, taking a sip.

"This is incredibly pointless," Ron commented.

"Yeah, let's go break stuff," Harry sighed, getting up and folding his lawn chair.

And that they did. 

Makes you wonder what the BAD guys are capable of.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I like the fishes cause they're so delicious, gone gold fishin'!" Ron sang, making his gold fish crackers swim around in the air.

Hermione stared at him, unblinking.

"MR. WEASLEY! DO NOT PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD!" Professor McGonagall shouted from the teacher's table, causing Ron to drop his fishies.

The students of Hogwarts had just woken up to an unusually warm, pre-spring's day, and everyone seemed to be in high spirits.

"Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poly fish heads," Ron sang under his breath.

"Why do they even serve gold fish crackers at this time in the morning?" Harry groaned, spooning some more oatmeal into his bowl.

"So what's on the agenda today? Some troll wrestling? Maybe save a world or two?" Ron asked, eyes on his flying cracker fish.

"I was thinking we could sneak into the Slytherin common room and set off dung bombs," Hermione said offhandedly, biting into an apple.

The whole Gyffindor table stopped and stared.

"What? Do I ALWAYS have to be in character?" she glared at them.

Everyone went back to their business.

"Owl post's here," Ron pointed out.

Men in owl suits walked moodily around the Great Hall, handing parcels and letters to the respective recipients. One particularly large man in a brown owl suit made his way up to Harry, carrying a letter.

"Letter for H. Potter," the guy announced in monotone, handing Harry his mail. 

Harry took the letter from the man's hand, looking disappointed. "What happened to Bob?" 

The owl man looked bored. "He's on vacation." And with that, he trudged out of the hall.

Ron watched the man retreat, wiping away a tear. "Through rain, and sleet, and snow…"

Hermione sighed. "He always gets like this around postal workers."

"Well this is weird," Harry commented, reading his letter. "It's from Lupin. He says we need to have a training session before I go off to the chocolate factory, and I have to meet him in his office later."

"Why would you need training for a Chocolate factory? Is he afraid the demonic chocolate bars are going to attack you?" Ron scoffed.

A loud ruckus from the other side of the Hall caught everyone's attention, the sound of banging and cheering emanating through the room.

"What's going on?" Harry looked confused, trying to see what all the hubbub was about.

Just then Neville burst through the crowd, looking grief-stricken. "GUESS WHO JUST GOT THE FOURTH GOLDEN TICKET!"

"Who?!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione said together.

"DRACO MALFOY!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"It's no FAIR!" Harry whined. 

The three superhero students were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, discussing the finding of the fourth golden ticket.

"Right when I think I'm all special Malfoy comes along and ruins it all! Him and his stupid hair and his stupid pointed face with his stupid endearing smirk," Harry pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"His dad probably BOUGHT Malfoy's way in," Ron pouted as well.

"But Billy Wonks would NEVER go for something like that!" Harry argued.

"You don't know anything about Billy Wonks, Harry," Ron quirked a brow.

"True, true," Harry nodded.

"Well it's obvious who made it possible for Draco to get in," Hermione said.

"Who?" Harry asked, eyes wide.

"Why, Death Eaters of course!" she answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Death Eaters? Why Death Eaters?" 

"Well duh Harry, Death Eaters are the cause of everything bad that happens. Lose a family member? Death Eaters killed them. Hurt your leg? Death Eaters up to their old tricks again. It doesn't matter if you're a virtually unknown 6th year that has never done anything to bring attention to yourself, the Death Eaters WILL come after you. It's not like they have anything better to do anyway," Hermione explained.

"You know, I never thought about it that way before. But now that someone has actually voiced that thought…it makes so much sense," Harry nodded.

"You see Harry, when in doubt, BLAME THE DEATH EATERS!" Hermione shouted triumphantly.

"Let's all break out into song!" Harry jumped on top of the couch, spreading his arms wide.

The Gryffindors cheered and began to sing. 
    
    _Ahhhhhh__...   
    
      
    
    All this energy callin' me   
    
    Back where it comes from   
    
    It's such a crude attitude   
    
    It's back where it belongs   
    
      
    
    All the little chicks with their crimson lips   
    
    Go "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!"   
    
    Livin' in sin with a safety pin   
    
    Go "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!"   
    
    "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!"   
    
    "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!"   
    
    "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!"_
    
    Seamus walked over to the CD player, being jostled about in the process, turning off the music.
    
    The students groaned.
    
    "CLEVELAND ROCKS! CLEVELAND R-…hey! Who turned off the music?!" Harry pouted.
    
    "What did that song have to do with blaming the Death Eaters?" Seamus asked the angry crowd.
    
    "Who cares?! If it's good enough for Drew Carey, it's good enough for us!" Harry exclaimed.
    
    "Yeah!" the room yelled in unison, showering Seamus in McDonald's burger wrappings and fry cartons.
    
    "Oh God! Oh God!" Ron screamed, running around frantically blocking out all the logos.
    
    When the dust cleared, Seamus was standing in a pile of garbage. "Wow…I didn't get severely hurt this time," he said, looking surprised.
    
    Oh Seamus, how wrong you are.
    
    Seamus then dropped to the floor for no apparent reason, twitching.
    
    I'm sorry. I need to let out my frustrations on SOMEONE.
    
    "That was strange," Harry raised a brow, looking down on the twitching Seamus from his position on the couch.
    
    Ron stared in horror at the shadowy, omnipotent author. "I didn't know you could do that!"
    
    I can do anything I want idiot, I'm writing this damn story! Observe…
    
    Ron then began to do the chicken dance around the room, screaming 'STAYIN' ALIVE!'
    
    "Oh god, make it stop!" Ron screamed, the Gryffindors laughing hysterically at him.
    
    Bwahaha!
    
    "Okay okay, I'm sorry! Just get on with the story already!" Ron begged, the chicken dance, like so many others before him, making him sob in horror.
    
    I think I made my point.
    
    "Harry, don't you have another appointment with Lupin today?" Hermione inquired.
    
    Harry's eyes widened, he had forgotten all about it. "OH SH-"
    
    "-ERLOCK!" Ron finished.
    
    Harry and Hermione didn't comment, already used to Ron's censorship ways.
    
    "Come Watson!" Harry stood, holding a magnifying glass to his face and racing out of the room, Ron and Hermione in hot pursuit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Come in," Lupin called when Harry knocked upon his door. The three students looked at each other with wide eyes, noting the manic tone in Lupin's voice. Harry turned the knob and pushed the door open, walking into the familiar office.

The trio stood, side-by-side, staring at their favorite Professor.

He was standing in the center of the room, eyes wide, an expression of complete and total rage on his face. Harry had never seen him like this…even when he turned into a werewolf that one time in third year. Something absolutely awful must have happened to get him in this state.

"Professor Lupin…is something…the matter?" Hermione squeaked, voicing what the other two were thinking.

Lupin was breathing heavily, his eyes still following an invisible entity. Finally, he spoke, his voice low and husky. "It's taunting me…waiting…watching…always watching…"

"W-what is, Professor?" Ron breathed.

Lupin continued as if he hadn't heard him. "With those damn little beady eyes…and those WINGS…those confounded WINGS…but I'll get it…"

The three children were speechless.

"AHA!" Lupin exclaimed, raising his wand to Harry's face.

"NO PROFESSOR, NOOOO-" Ron screeched, diving in front of Harry in slow mo. 

Still diving…sailing through the air…really slowly…almost there…pausing in mid-air…OH THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

"Sorry," Bob the special effects guy muttered, putting down his coffee and putting the speed back to normal.

"-OOOOO!" Ron finished, knocking Harry out of the way, just as a streak of light hit the wall where he would have been seconds ago.

"DAMN IT!" Lupin roared, throwing his wand to the ground.

"Professor…" Harry squeaked from his position on the ground. "You've joined the…Dark side?"

Professor Lupin looked perplexed. "What on earth are you talking about Harry?"

"You just tried to KILL him!" Hermione bellowed, pointing her wand at Lupin's head.

"…kill h-…OH! No no, I was trying to murder the bane of my existence…the most vile and gruesome creature I've ever come across…" Lupin explained.

"Professor! I know Harry's not exactly Miss. America, but he's got his good points!" Ron patted Harry's shoulder reassuringly. 

"Not Harry, you imbecile!" Lupin rolled his eyes.

Ron looked frightened. "What is it then? A gremlin? Lockhart? What?"

Lupin paused for a second, as if the thought of this creature chilled him to the bone. "It's…

…_a fly_"

DUN DUN DAAAAAAA!

"A fly?"

"A fly! A horrible, annoying FLY! It will NOT leave my office! I've been at it for days!" Lupin looked close to tears.

Hermione slowly lowered her wand.

"You almost killed me over a _fly,_" Harry looked stunned, getting to his feet, and helping Ron up.

"Oh not just any fly…an evil, BEASTLY fly! From the depths of hell itself!" Lupin sighed wearily, plopping down in his chair.

Silence.

Sound of demon fly buzzing around.

Beats those damn crickets any day.

"I'VE GOT IT!" Lupin shouted suddenly, causing the three students to jump. "I'LL USE…THIS!" and Lupin held up a cylindrical can.

"…Sir, that's air freshener," Hermione pointed out.

"EX-ACTLY! IT'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT IT!" Lupin exclaimed.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze will recall some painful childhood memory and it'll commit suicide…"

Lupin stroked his chin thoughtfully. "You know, I was just thinking that it would get so annoyed with all the spraying in its face that it would leave, but I think I like your idea better!"

"This is heartbreaking," Ron sniffed. It was always saddening to see one of the most respected Professors succumb to the insanity which is associated with the Educational System.

"Yeah, and as with all heartbreaking things, such as poverty and whale hunting, we must ignore it and hope it just goes away!" Harry exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

Save the Whales people…save the whales.

After a few tense moments of watching Lupin run around the room spraying and screaming, screaming and spraying, the children decided to leave.

"I'll just…come back later," Harry gave him a nervous smile.

The three students stealthily crept towards the exit to Lupin's office, trying to ignore his screams of agony as he accidentally sprayed himself in the eye with the air freshener.

"He's finally gone mad, just like the rest of them…" Harry sighed. 

"It's the curse of the teacher," Ron nodded knowingly, closing the door to the office behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry was wandering along, thinking about demon flies, and pudding pies, and drying eyes, when he noticed something running at him from across the hall.

"BOMB!" he screamed, hitting the floor.

After a few seconds of screaming with his arms over his head, Harry looked up to see a monkey wearing a cape standing over him.

"Harry Potter! There is something of great importance that you must talk to the Headmaster about. It is important, very important, or else the Headmaster would not call you to talk to him about this secret thing of importance. Please go to see him now, or else there will be severe consequences, because the Headmaster said he would like to speak to you about the thing of importance, and you will obey," the mysterious monkey said.

Harry was pretty confused by now. "Who are you?"

"I am Dobby, the house elf, of which you know well," the monkey nodded.

"…You're not Dobby…" Harry blinked a couple of times.

"You are incorrect. I am the house elf Dobby, there is no other, there is only one, and I am him. And since there is only one Dobby, and I am Dobby, I am most certainly the house elf Dobby, and the only house elf Dobby," said the house elf Dobby.

"There are two things wrong with this. One, Dobby is a house elf, as you so eloquently put it. You are a monkey. And two, I don't think Dobby wears his brain in a jar…"

"Well if I am Dobby, and Dobby is me, and we are each other, then Dobby is obviously me. And because I am a monkey, and I wear my brain in a jar, and I am Dobby, and Dobby is me, than obviously Dobby is a monkey and wears his brain in a jar,"

"You know, repeating everything doesn't make it any more believable…" Harry pointed out.

"What are you talking about? I do not repeat what I say, and what I say I do not repeat!"

"You did it again!" Harry exclaimed.

"I would appreciate it if you would not make fun of my natural quirks," Mojo replied.

"What's the point of this part of the story, anyway?" Harry asked.

"Well, the author promised a friend he would add in Mojo Jojo, and I am Mojo Jojo, therefore I am in the story. And furthermore, and in addition, he needed a way to get you to Dumbledore's office, and I am it, so that is why the author added in this part of the story," Mojo concluded.

Harry looked bored. "You take too long to say something that would normally take two words."

"Thank you," Mojo replied, walking off into the sunset.

Harry watched, mesmerized. "I forgot what I was supposed to do…" he whispered to himself.

"DUMBELDORE'S OFFICE!" Mojo screamed offstage.

"Oh yeah…" Harry said, turning on a heel and making his way over to the gargoyle statue barring the Headmaster's office, wondering why teachers always feel the need to talk to him in their office in every chapter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shifty eyes. "Uh, was there a reason you called me, Headmaster?" Harry asked.

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings," Dumbledore replied.

Harry stared.

Dumbledore stared.

Harry stared.

Dumbledore stared.

Harry cleared his throat, trying to figure out what was so different about the Headmaster today. Suddenly, it clicked. "…Percy? Is that you?!"

Dumbledore suddenly looked shifty. "…no…"

"Percy, how did you get in Dumbledore's office?" Harry inquired sternly.

"…I am Dumbledore…who is this Percy you speak of?"

"Percy, Dumbledore would obviously know who you are. You DID betray us all in the fifth book," Harry pointed out.

"I DID NOT! I WAS SECRETLY WORKING AGAINST THE MINISTRY CAUSE I'M A REDEEMABLE HERO, DANG NABBIT!" Percy exploded.

"Yeah right," Harry rolled his eyes.

Percy sighed. "Fine, I was just being a jackass…it's those DAMN Flintstones vitamins! They make slaves of us all!"

Sound of demon fly buzzing.

Harry vaguely wondered if it was Lupin's fly…but realized he really didn't give a crap. Isn't that always the way. I'm swearing more than usual in this chapter. It's the pressure, I'll wager. Anyway…

"So, was there an actual reason for calling me here, or did you just want a bigger part in the story?" Harry asked.

"A little of column A, a little of column B," Percy replied. "I just said to myself, I said, 'If you were Dumbledore, what would you do?' and the answer came to me like a bolt of lightning…no offense," Percy gestured to Harry's scar. "…and that answer was… 'Call the protagonist of the story to your office for a chat about important protagonist stuff' and so I did, and here you are. Do you understand me Harry?"

"You're a complete waste of time, Percy," Harry grumbled. "Where's the REAL Dumbledore, anyway?"

Percy shrugged. "He always disappears to a secret location every week or so…nobody knows where he goes or what he does…"

"That's strange," Harry commented, his voice all whispery, as if he was talking to himself and yet he was still speaking out loud. Why do people on TV shows always do that?

"Yes, it is strange," Percy/Dumbledore nodded.

Harry looked abashed. "You're not supposed to hear me! That was an aside!"

"Oh Harry this isn't Shakepeare," Percy smiled arrogantly, patting Harry on the head.

"Argh, you're incorrigible…and STOP RUINING MY HAIR," Harry yelled, knocking his chair backwards and stomping to the door.

"Temper temper…maybe that's why Dumbledore keeps leaving, you hurt his feelings when you beat the crap out of his office last year," Percy tutted.

"I WAS IN PAIN!" Harry tried to redeem his former nice-guy status.

"Yeah right," Percy grinned, using Harry's words against him.

Buuuurn.

"Anyway, Lupin wants to see you at the room of requirement…I trust you know how to get in there…he mentioned something about you leaving his office without having your lesson," Percy raised a brow.

"Why is Lupin telling you things about me?" Harry grumbled.

"Because I'm the Headmaster," Percy looked at Harry over the rims of his half-moon spectacles.

"This school is just too creepy," Harry muttered, letting himself out.

Percy smiled to himself. "Now if I can only think of something clever to say before this part of the story ends…"

Silence.

"…got nothing."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**And now it's time for one of Harry's inner conflicts.**

(Brought to you by The Olive Garden…it's like walking into the kitchen of a delightful Italian Stereotype!)

"I'm sick and tired of having these damn meetings with these damn teachers!" Harry ranted, pacing and gesturing madly. "Just because I'm heroic and rather good-looking doesn't mean I'm any different from anyone else!"

He stopped for a moment, stroking his chin.

 "To go, or not to go…that is the question…" Harry sighed. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer t- OW!" Harry's extremely overused Hamlet soliloquy was interrupted as a random skull fell from the sky and onto his foot. "WHO THREW THAT?"

Hermione's head appeared amongst the beams atop the stage. "You forgot the skull! And the skull is OBVIOUSLY important…or else you wouldn't see all the Hamlet rip-offs holding it! DUH Harry! Work with me here!" 

Harry picked up the skull, looking at it closely. "But it's so…yucky…" Harry wrinkled his nose. "I WILL NOT WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!" he huffed, throwing the skull to the floor and tromping off-stage.

"That was horrific," Simon's British accent washed over the room. "That was almost as bad as the 'she bangs' guy that everyone is raving about!"

"Yeah dawg, that was pretty messed up," Neville, filling in for Randy, added. Not like there's much of a difference anyway.

"Well I'm supposed to be the nice one so I'll just sit here and smile," Paula batted her eyelashes prettily. 

"Umm…I'm…uh…Canadian…" Zack Werner piped up, looking hopeful.

The other judges looked at him confusedly. 

"Uh…who are you?" Paula blinked.

"I'm from Canadian Idol," Zack explained.

"Oh, well you don't matter then," Simon commented.

"You guys do realize there's no one on stage, right?" Hermione yelled down from her position above the stage.

"Well, send in the next contestant, dawg!" Neville, trying to imitate Randy, called.

"This is NOT American OR Canadian Idol! Why are you guys even here?!" 

"We were told Warner Brothers was having a "Potter Idol" in order to sell more merchandise," Paula explained.

At this, Harry stomped back on stage. "RON! HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO MARKET ME AGAIN?!"

"It was Giggles!" Ron whined from his seat at the back of the theatre.

"You can't blame everything on the invisible elf! It's just not right!" Harry growled, kicking the skull for good measure and "accidentally" hitting Simon in the face.

"This is ridiculous. I'm going to the pet shop to torture small animals!" Simon cried, running out.

_Giggle_.

Ron whispered ferociously at the little invisible elf. "Where are you, you DEMON?! Come out and show yourself!"

_Giggle._

"I'll never give up the whistle! NEVER!!!!" Ron proclaimed, jumping up from his seat and running out of the room.

_"We'll see about that..."_ Giggles giggled, in her giggly way, and disappeared.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"The Olive Garden…it's like walking into the kitchen of a delightful Italian Stereotype!" –Clone High

And yes, I am aware that Yorick's skull is NOT used in the "To be or not to be" soliloquy, but people on TV always use it then…and TV is always right.

Okay, the second part of the chapter (I'll just name it chapter 14) will be up tomorrow…hopefully…lol…along with my shout outs to my reviewers :)

Now I know why they say 13 is an unlucky number!


	14. Now here's something you'll REALLY like!

**Author's notes: **Alllllllrighty then! Here is the second part of the chapter, as promised.

It really sucks.

LOL!

Sorry to say. I really DESPISE writing description, and I'm not good at it, so bear with me if a lot of this makes absolutely no sense.

Not very much insanity in this part, just a lot of foreshadowing

Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Yes. Thanks to everyone who reads this…lol…since it took me 2 months to write…and it still sucks.

Woo! Go procrastination and writer's block!

So here it is…

**Chapter 14**

After much inner conflict, and prompting by the judge of American Idol…oh, and that Canadian guy…Harry decided he would meet Lupin for their training session after all. He paced in front of the blank wall opposite that hilarious ballet-dancing troll tapestry (which now had many black bars over the weapons thanks to Ron and his superior censorship skills) three times until the familiar door appeared, which pretty much boggled his mind because he had no idea what he required at the moment. He stepped into this very special room, wondering what he would find this time, and was surprised to see Lupin already standing there, surrounded by a mass of trees. He suddenly felt the brush of leaves against the back of his head, turning on the spot to find the space the door should have been blocked by the same thick foliage that surrounded the rest of what seemed like a small clearing in the centre of a giant rainforest.

"Professor, I thought this was supposed to be some sort of training session," Harry questioned.

"It is," Lupin replied.

"Well, this looks more like a forest to me…but hey, I've never actually been in a factory or anyt-"

"-shut up," Lupin interrupted tersely.

Harry looked dejected. "You know, you've been really mean lately."

"It's the damn FLY! THAT DEMONIC, VILLIANOUS FLY!" Lupin exclaimed, his voice muffled by the incredible denseness of the trees surrounding them.

"Okay okay, stop yelling!" Harry sighed. "So, what's first?"

"Well, I'm not exactly sure, but apparently this is what we require in order to train you," Lupin explained.

"Alright…" Harry stopped, watching as Lupin began to walk around the clearing, disappearing inside the trees every so often, as if he were searching for something. "Lose a contact?"

"No," Lupin answered shortly. "Ahh, seems to be some sort of path here. I guess this is a good enough place to start."

Harry made his way over to where the Professor was standing pulling plants out of the ground in order to clear the entrance of the path. It was a narrow walkway amongst the trees, consisting of small, sharp rocks and pebbles. Harry squinted into the darkness, trying to see any sign of where the path might lead, but found this task impossible.

"I don't know about this, Mr. Peabody," Harry squeaked, sounding a lot like Ron did every ten seconds in the Chamber of Secrets movie.

"Shut up you," Lupin answered, now wearing large, thick-rimmed glasses, much like Harry's.

"Now here's something you'll REALLY like!" Rocky the squirrel interrupted.

"Ooo, a talking squirrel!" Harry giggled like a schoolgirl.

The little squirrel scampered back into the trees, hanging onto its little pilot goggle thingies. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE! GIVE ME A BREAK!

Break me off a piece of that KIT KAT BAR!

Okay I'm done…

"What are we supposed to do? Just run around a forest until a chocolate bar appears and tells me something that is already common knowledge?" Harry stood at the entrance to the path, looking annoyed.

"Sounds good to me," Lupin shrugged. "Go on," he said, urging Harry to move forward.

After looking back at Lupin once, the boy stepped onto the path and into the great big forest. "You're coming too, ri-" Harry turned in the spot, stopping as he realized the clearing, and Lupin, were gone, and he was facing a solid wall of trees.

Time to panic.

"PROFESSOR LUPIN?" Harry yelled, eyes wide, clawing at the thick foliage he believed was concealing the professor.

"Not good!" he gasped, grabbing his wand out of the pocket of his robe. "Not good, not GOOD!"

He finally gave up at trying to get back to Lupin, turning away from the wall of trees, and back towards the path leading deeper into the forest.

"_Lumos_," Harry whispered, blinking at the sudden light erupting from his wand. The faint glow let him see a few feet in front of him, but was completely swallowed up by the trees to his sides. He took a cautious step forward, making sure not to trip or step on anything that could possibly require a tetanus shot.

Harry slowly walked along the path, flanked by darkness and clinging to the light coming from his wand. Footsteps on gravel and the sound of Harry's breathing were the only sounds that could be heard in this strange, magical forest; No birds chirping, no animals scurrying amongst the trees, not even a bad guy or two hanging about smoking a cigarette…

…but at least there aren't any _clowns._

_Damn_ those clowns.

"Twist and shout, twist and shout, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on baby now…" Harry sang softly, walking to the beat of the song.

CHICKA CHICKA!

Every good story needs a Ferris Bueller reference.

A tiny spark of blue light in the darkness far up ahead interrupted Harry's Beatles tribute, the light his wand was emitting not reaching far enough for Harry to catch a glimpse of the source. With every step forward the little blue spark would appear again, a little farther away every time. It was as if it were leading the boy, beckoning him along, and as much as Harry's mind warned him that it might not be a good idea to follow an unidentifiable flying blue light, he couldn't stop himself. He was never one to listen to reason…or New Age music.

Everything suddenly went black. The light from his wand has been extinguished somehow, and as quickly as it appeared, the little blue spark was nowhere to be found. Harry was now standing in complete and utter darkness, in the middle of nowhere, alone.

Sucks to be him…I know, I know.

Figuring his wand just needed a rest, he decided to stay put for the moment until he could once again use the wand light to find his way out of this godforsaken place. It was as if nothing existed in this black void…he was beginning to think he had been erased from time and space.

Ooo…trippy.

And out of the darkness, the tiny spark caught Harry's eyes, yet this time it was a vibrant orange colour. The boy was once again entranced, holding himself back from walking towards it. In the blink of an eye it was gone.

Another spark, this time bright green, appeared on the opposite side of the path.

And another, violet this time, inches away from the green.

They were appearing and disappearing so quickly Harry was beginning to get dizzy. What WAS this? The shower of colourful lights resembled that of a fireworks display, but Harry was too FREAKED OUT to enjoy it.

The four colourful lights began to move forward along the path, and Harry, curiosity getting the better of him, followed.

* * *

The lights led him to a small clearing, deeper in the forest than the one he and Lupin had stood in what seemed like moments before. This clearing would've been darker as well…were it not for the hundreds of little twinkling coloured lights floating in mid-air and resting in the enormous evergreen trees.

Harry was deemed breathless.

It was the most magical sight he had ever laid eyes on, which is pretty extraordinary considering he goes to a school for magic. Yeah.

Four little lights; one bright pink, one electric blue, one dazzling green, and the last a soft yellow; were slowly floating towards him, and Harry finally realized what he was surrounded by.

Fairies. Hundreds and hundreds of different-coloured fairies.

And these weren't any sort of fairies he had ever seen before. He couldn't take his eyes off of them.

These four little fairies steadily coming closer to Harry were also carrying something in their tiny hands, each fairy holding a section. It was a red rose.

Harry held out his hand as the fairies stopped in front of him, four little bodies gathering around it to carefully place the thorn-less rose on his palm, moving a safe distance away soon after.

It took a couple of minutes, but finally something began to happen. The petals of the rose were falling away, letting off a faint red glow, and soon in place of the rose there sat a tiny red fairy in the center of Harry's palm. It looked up at him with startling brown eyes, blinking once. The boy had a strong feeling of recognition, but he just couldn't place where he had seen those eyes before. Harry brought his hand up closer to his face, peering into the eyes of the tiny creature he was holding. It reached out for him, an expression of sadness on its face, nearly touching his nose before it began to change again, once again turning into the rose.

Harry was just about to place the rose in his pocket before the petals started to blacken, and Harry was forced to drop it to the floor as it burst into flames. He jumped, frightened, backing away from the ashes of the pretty little fairy, stumbling through a curtain of ivy and away from the colourful lights.

* * *

He suddenly found himself surrounded by darkness once again. He blinked a couple of times, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the lack of light, and as the darkness in his vision subsided he was faced with the last thing he expected to see.

His own face.

Startled, he tried to move back through the curtain of ivy, but found this task impossible. His feet wouldn't move. He looked down quickly to try and find the source of the restriction, his brow furrowing with confusion. He could see his feet, but where the ground should've been he found only black. Suffice it to say Harry Potter was thoroughly freaked out now. He turned back to the image of his face. His eyes traveled over the familiar nose, brows, and lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. He realized that he was looking at his reflection is some sort of mirror, a faint shimmer of eerie light shining out from its depths. Testing out his fingers, wiggling them to make sure his hands and arms weren't put out of commission as well, he was relieved when he was able to lift it. Slowly, cautiously, he extended his hand toward what he believed to the mirror's surface, his fingers coming in contact with something wet.

"Water?"

Stunned, he brought his fingers away from the cool liquid, eyes wide. He was staring directly into water, and yet he appeared to be standing. Or was he? It was impossible to tell whether he was standing upright, facing a vertical wall of water, or somehow suspended horizontally in the air, staring down INTO the water. All he knew was that he didn't dare move, for fear whatever magic that was holding him or this wall of water up might let go and drown him.

Staring deeply into the pool, Harry's attention was drawn to something small and circular sitting on the bottom. The shadows on the bottom of the pool of water obscured the small object, making it hard to see it properly. He tried to make out what the shape could be, eyes squinting from behind thick-rimmed glasses. There was no way of telling, what with the dim lighting, what it could be. He cautiously touched the surface of the water with his index finger, watching as ripples fanned out around it. He stopped there, trying to decide whether or not to reach for whatever was sitting in the bottom of the water. What did he have to lose anyway? He could be dead right now for all he knew…

…finger sinking deeper and deeper into the water. The water was cool and pleasant, and he had to resist scooping some into his hand and drinking it. By now his entire arm up to the shoulder was in the water, his sleeve floating under the surface. He was beginning to think his whole body would be in the water before he reached the circular object, but finally his fingertip came into contact with it. Just as Harry was about to lift it out he noticed small waves breaking the smooth surface…and he wasn't causing them. The waves accumulated, rippling one after another, getting larger and larger as the moments passed. Then, all at once, a blinding flash burst from the depths of the water, and before he knew it, Harry was being pulled head-first into the pool by some invisible force. He cried out before his head disappeared under the surface, struggling in vain. He was drowning, and there was nothing he could do.

* * *

"ARGH!" Harry exclaimed as he hit the hard ground. He blinked repeatedly, completely disoriented and VERY confused. His cheek was pressed against the ground, and he would probably feel something jabbing into his skin if he wasn't too astonished to be alive. Was he alive? He slowly moved his hand along the rough, chalky ground, smoothing his hand over the surface wondrously. He never thought he would be so happy to feel dirt under his fingers. The last thing he remembered was being pulled into the strange water, and just knowing he was going to drown.

And now he was…well…he really had no idea where he was. He slowly rolled onto his back, staring up at a canopy of leaves. Sitting up, he surveyed his surroundings. He was still in a forest, but this place was much more inviting then the scary, dark rainforest he had entered what seemed like hours ago. Soft light was filtering through the various assortments of trees surrounding him, ranging from birch to maple to oak. He assumed it was autumn in this place, as the leaves on the trees were many shades of red, yellow, green, and orange. The soft chirp of birds was music to the boy's ears. This was a welcome change from the previous darkness and solitude he had experienced throughout this little "adventure".

He painfully got to his feet, wiggling various body parts to make sure they still worked. He also checked his pocket to make sure his wand was safe and sound, and let out a sigh of relief as his hand closed up the familiar wood. The air was fresh and clean, and the dirt crunched under his shoes as he took a few steps forward.

Suffice it to say, he was glad to be alive.

"I'm glad to be alive," he whispered to himself.

Told ya.

"Now how the hell am I going to get out of here?" he sighed, turning on the spot multiple times, looking for a way out of the clearing.

Perking his ears, Harry could hear the rustling of leaves, as if something were coming towards him. He automatically reached for his wand, extending it in front of him in the direction of the noise. In the stillness he could feel his heart pounding with fear and anticipation.

"It could be anything," he whispered to himself, "it could be…a horse-like animal, like Aunt Petunia…or…Big Foot! Or even the Easter Bunny!"

Poor, naïve Harry…everyone knows Big Foot lives in an underground government laboratory!

Seconds later, Harry's curiosity and fear diminished. Two young children, identical twins, emerged from the forest. They were a little more then half Harry's size; blonde, with small, round faces, and rosy cheeks. They looked perfectly normal, despite the fact that they were so young and alone in a big forest, but there was something strange about them. They didn't seem…real. For some strange reason Harry got the impression that they were a manifestation of the room of requirement, made of magic and not exactly human.

The children stopped a few feet in front of the boy, staring up at him with identical blank expressions. Harry was suddenly and violently reminded of the movie Children of the Corn.

"Always carry breadcrumbs," the little boy finally spoke, staring fixedly at Harry as the identical-looking girl stepped forward, taking Harry's hand and dropping a pile of breadcrumbs into the centre of his palm.

"But wh-" Harry began, but his words fell on deaf ears, for the children were already disappearing once again amongst the trees.

"Creepy…" he muttered, pocketing the crumbs in case he had the urge to have a Caesar salad later.

He was alone once again, and beginning to get a bit tired. "When is this going to END?" he hissed, sighing deeply. "Well, since I'm just going to end up in another freaky situation, why not throw caution to the wind?" he shrugged, walking blindly forward into the trees.

He found it incredibly difficult to maneuver around the endless trunks, shrubs, and other forms of plant life occupying the forest. The only thing he found out of place was the lack of animals. There were no squirrels or chipmunks scurrying around, not even a bug or two on the leaves of the various plants. The sound of birds could still be heard overhead, but there wasn't a bird in sight.

He had no idea where he was going, but he knew something would show up sooner or later. So far every time something strange happened he had either stumbled upon it, or was led to it in one way or another. He just had to look out for anything unusual…

…anything at all…

…

…any time now…

* * *

Harry had been walking for what seemed like close to an hour now, with no prospect of a strange and exciting adventure in sight. He was tired, hungry, and began to go slightly blind in one eye. Damn this guy needs to exercise more often. He had also managed to step in a thorn bush while trying to avoid a rather large tree root barring his path. It just wasn't his day.

He finally decided to take a break, sitting under a large oak and staring blankly in front of him. Just as when he was staring into that huge mirrored pond, Harry got in a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The thought of wandering around this giant forest for the rest of his life was almost as distressing as the thought of staring into his reflection for an equally long time.

Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into days, days turned into years…

Naw, I'm joshin' ya.

He must've been there all of five minutes before he found the sign he had been waiting for. Through a small space in the shrubs and bushes surrounding him he could see something glinting in the distance. Of course, to someone as dim-witted and dull-minded as Harry, shiny objects were the source of great enjoyment. Bracing himself against the tree trunk he was leaning against, he got to his feet, stretching out his aching muscles before even attempting to walk. He really had no other choice but to see if this golden shimmer amongst the trees would lead him to another strange and wacky place. Maybe even the science centre.

* * *

After struggling through a dense patch of bramble and a large clump of trees, Harry found himself in yet another clearing. How many damn clearings can one forest have?

Or maybe not…

He wasn't even sure if he was in the forest anymore. This was more like a large room with no ceiling, or an enchanted ceiling like in the Great Hall. A first glance one would think the walls were made of solid gold, but on closer inspection it seemed as if it were wallpapered this way.

"How tacky," Harry commented, shuffling closer to the strange golden wall closest to him. "Wait a second…"

Harry's eyes widened as he realized that he was not staring at a section of wallpaper, but the same golden ticket he and Hermione had found in the wooden box. In fact, the whole place was covered from top to bottom in thousands and thousands of these golden tickets, as far as the eye could see. He extended a hand toward the ticket, noticing his name printed in bold under the scrawling script inviting him to the factory. Upon closer inspection, Harry realized, with much surprise, that this ticket did not say "Billy Wonks", nor did they invite Ron and Hermione along as the one they found did. Pulling the invitation off whatever it was attached to, he noticed another ticket underneath, also inviting "Harry Potter". One after another he pulled the invitations, unable to find some sort of structure underneath. He finally gave up after pulling his thirteenth ticket, dropping the golden papers and watching them flutter to the floor. Slowly glancing around, his eyes scanned the thousands of little golden papers covering this area of what he hoped was still the forest he had entered in the Room of Requirement.

"This is getting REALLY old!" He yelled out, his voice echoing eerily. "What I wouldn't give for Mad Libs right about now…

_Somewhere where I don't know where it is…_

The horse began to dance with the chicken.

"THAT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!" Ron burst out into laughter, dropping his book of Mad Libs and rolling around on his bed.

Riiiight.

"Can this day get any worse?!" the boy sighed.

Bwahahaha!

"Whooooa!" Harry exclaimed, startled, as the ground began to shake under his feet.

Yes, yes it can.

It seemed as if he was caught in an earthquake, and he was trying hard to stay balanced. The earthquake was getting more and more violent as the moments passed, and yet Harry managed to stay on his feet somehow. The tremor was also causing the golden tickets to rip off the walls, fluttering down all around him. He was being showered in tickets, and was desperately trying to bat them away and still stay standing.

Suddenly he caught sight of a glimmer of silver overhead, which was made all the more distinguishable surrounded by a solid shower of gold. It was a whistle, and for some strange reason Harry felt an overwhelming urge to touch it. He fought his way through the golden haze towards the falling object until he was standing directly underneath its path, raising an arm over his head.

The whistle was slowly drifting down towards his outreaching palm, the silver of the small object being swallowed up by the thousands and thousands of golden tickets fluttering all around it. Harry had to squint through the golden sheen and the paper falling onto his face, hopefully reaching straight up in the direction the whistle seemed to be falling in. Suddenly, something cool and light dropped lightly into his palm, and as soon as what undoubtedly was the whistle made contact with his skin it let out a shrill cry. One pure, unearthly high note rang through the room, pulsing through Harry's brain. He couldn't tell if it was the screech of the whistle, or the blinding pain ripping through the scar on his forehead, but his head felt as if it were about to explode. The golden haze of the room was slowly fading into black and Harry found himself falling into darkness.

* * *

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, sitting up in bed.

And that's it. Sorry for the stupid ending. Haha.

No faith in self

Woo!

In the process of writing the Room of Requirement part I somehow came up with this:

_"Professor, I thought this was supposed to be some sort of training session," Harry questioned._

_"I am," Lupin replied._

I really wanted to incorporate it into the story because it makes ABSOLUTELY no sense whatsoever…LOL! Just shows you how out of it I've been lately! Unfortunately I couldn't find any reason to add it in, but thought I'd mention it anyway.

And you probably won't get the "Mr. Peabody" thing if you've never watched Rocky and Bullwinkle. Well NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Oh, and if you hadn't noticed by now (don't see how you couldn't) I dislike semi-colons. Haha. DEATH TO SEMI-COLONS!

Yet ANOTHER note…wanted to mention that those two little children were supposed to kinda like Hansel and Gretel, but I had no idea how to make that evident…other than making them speak German or something. And the only thing I know how to say in German is "die".

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

**tR00 kaNgaR00**- Yes, that was my plan. To make Ron the spokesperson for Mad Libs cause they're paying me royalties. Psh, I wish! But yes, Ron makes anything hot…not like…I think of him that way…cause I'm not…STOP STARING AT ME. Lol, thanks for reviewing!

**TheLynx**- Hello again, my friend! Do not make fun of my city, woman! GO LEAFS! Lol. Toronto does not like your car because it is not worthy! NOT WORTHY I TELLS YA! And no dying…dying bad.

**Sarah Rudzin**- Thanks! Patience is a virtue, Madame, which makes you…uh…virtuous? I dunno.

**MoonGoddess25**- I stopped liking x-files after I watched an episode with this weird Buddah statue that made no sense. I was so confused…I've hated it ever since. But I DO like the music. Haha.

**backsplash007**- I LOVE HAMSTERS! Hamtaro, if we work together it's much better. Cough I mean…I don't watch that show…shifty

**Harry/Harriet**- Hellooooo pickle. Lol. You know you liked the toe, Miss. Kama Sutra! XD!

**sweet775**- Why thank you ma'me, I try :)

**Abigail-Nicole**- Silver Phoenix is my heroooo. Woo, so that's a huge compliment. Ghetto Neville actually stemmed from an idea my friend Rhys had. Thanks for the song! As a friend/reviewer once said… "simply ridiculous, dahling" wink

**Mae**- LICKS THE EYEBROW! haha!

**Meknowenglish-** You are my new best friend. Let us go out for fries…and pie. And what's NOT with the raccoons…think about it.

**Cissa**- Ahh, welcome back, madame. And thank you, greatly appreciated.

**Vanyaria Darkshadow**- Cracks a whip DANCE MONKEY DANCE! I mean…thanks for reviewing! Grin

**Nic**- You know you looooove me, you wanna kissss me, you wanna make me diiiiinner. Please? I'm hungry.

And last but certainly not least…

**Gred**** Weasley**- Sorry it took so long. This is what description does to me. And American Idol. And Aliens…but that's another story.

Question: Has anyone seen the "Mini Ritz Scooba" commercial? With that awesome song? I'm wondering if it only shows in Canada…

Anyway! Now, a poll/question thingy for reviewers: _which character would you most like to see introduced into the story, or a character already introduced that you would like to see more of. Hmm? _


	15. Duct tape and foreshadowing

**Author's Notes**

Sooooooooooo, it's been a while. Understatement of the century

This chapter has been hell in a handbasket. It's one of the reasons I stopped writing for so long. I kept debating with myself…make a slightly-unfunny chapter in order to pack important information in for the plot and risk bad reviews, or write another senseless, insane chapter and…well…lose sight of the plot completely, but have more amazing reviews from you amazing people.

I opted for the first choice.

I am risking many reviews such as "TOTALLY unfunny, dude, I hate your family" because of that evil beast known as integrity. Bleh, gross.

So don't be too hard on me :P

Now, at this point I'd like to point out that I wrote this Death Eater stuff before the sixth book…and JK put Death Eater stuff in it. Am I amazing or WHAT?

I also predicted the Ron/Lavenderness. I friggin RULE!

That is all.

**Chapter 15**

_Now, as in most Harry Potter novels, everyone reads about the lives and troubles of the "good guys". But, have you ever wondered what the Death Eaters do in their spare time? Well, at risk of death and torture by old Saved by the Bell reruns, I decided to infiltrate the Death Eater headquarters and see for myself. Here is the account of my adventures…_

* * *

12:30am- Busted into Voldy headquarters.

-Making myself comfortable in some sort of common room.

-Some sort of EVIL common room.

-Many doilies. Bloody scared.

-Surprised at how easy it was to get in here. But, I am the author and all.

-I just said bloody. I'm cool now.

1:00am- Sitting, typing this on lap top.

-Eating McDonald's French fries.

-Beginning to wonder if subliminal messaging is causing me to mention McDonalds in every chapter.

-Glad Ron's not here.

-No sign of Death Eaters yet.

2:00am- Out of food.

2:30am- Still out of food.

3:30am- Looking for spare change in couch.

-Finding another doily.

-Still bloody scared.

4:00am- Why is Martha Stewart here?

4:15am- Hearing noise.

-Running back to shadowy corner.

-Aha! My first Death Eater.

-Wormtail.

4:17am- Wormtail scratches his butt and looks around for something unknown.

-Passes right by me.

-Picks up a candle and eats it whole.

Oo?

5:00am- Death Eaters filter into room.

-Some are wearing pink fuzzy robes.

-I swear I can see bunny slippers somewhere in the group as well.

-The Dark Lord He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named makes his way to a serpent throne at the front of the crowd.

-Throne breaks.

-You-know-who mutters something about Ikea.

5:10am- The Lord addresses the crowd.

-The Dark Lord pauses.

-The Dark Lord angrily asks where his decorative candle went.

-Wormtail looks innocent.

-Martha fashions one out of a shoelace and a single human hair.

5:15am- Death Eaters ogle new candle

-Wormtail fetches Dark Lord another serpent throne

-Dark Lord slumps down in chair, looking rather depressed

-I begin to wonder why I'm taking notes instead of actually writing out the story…

* * *

The Dark Lord, wearing a black terrycloth robe with tiny pictures of screaming muggles sewn into the collar and cuffs, sat moodily on his serpent throne, surrounded by the low din of the Death Eaters as they chatted over their morning coffee and scones. Ever since the battle in the department of mysteries, Voldemort had been feeling rather down. He wasn't really bothered by the fact that he hadn't been able to hear the entire prophecy, or that the public now knew he was alive and kicking...he was bothered by the death of Sirius.

"He was my favorite character!" Voldemort whined.

Just kidding. Scratch that whole Sirius part.

Anyway, nothing could make the Dark Lord feel better. Not even the lovely robe Martha Stewart, the Dark Lord of the muggle world, had made for him. Voldemort had taken a shining to her after watching her show "The Apprentice-Martha Stewart" and saw the way she handled her simpering muggle slaves she liked to call _employees._

This morning Wormtail was once again trying to cheer the Dark Lord up by bashing his head into a wall…his own head, not Voldemort's…to no avail. You-Know-Who completely ignored him, staring blindly into an empty cup which once contained his customary morning cosmopolitan.

"Who does he think he is? That boy has tangled with the wrong evil genius! No one escapes the dark lord!" he said, throwing down the cup in a fit of rage.

"Heh heh. Darn right," Wormtail piped up, standing obediently by the Dark Lord's throne.

"Defeated! Beat down by a four thousand year old man! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear," Voldemort sighed, looking dejected.

"Another cosmopolitan?" Wormtail offered, holding out the cup of pink liquid.

"What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced," Voldemort pushed away the cup with an idle hand.

"Who, you? Never! My lord, you've got to pull yourself together," Wormtail began, clearing his voice and waiting for the piano to strike up.

Mulciber, who's life-long dream it was to be a famous concert pianist…

…hehe, pianist…

-Cough-

…took a seat at the piano, fingers poised over the keys.

Then, Wormtail began to sing.

Yes, Death Eaters burst out into song just as often as the good guys. Don't be hatin'.

"_Gosh it disturbs me to see you, my lord_

_Thinking that you are a chump_

_Every Death Eater here fears you, my lord_

_Even when taking a dump _

_There's no evil creature as hated as you_

_You're everyone's nightmare du jour _

_Everyone's awed and disgusted by you _

_No one thinks you're washed up, I assure_

_No one's gross as my lord _

_As morose as my lord_

_No one's eyes are as creepy and red as my lord's_

_For there's no half-man ready and willing _

_To kill the world for his own good_

_You can ask any Malfoy or Rookwood _

_And they'll tell you whose ass they are happy to smooch._"

"_No one's thin like our lord, as corpse-like as our lord_," the Death Eaters chorused.

"_No one's as obsessed with young Potter as our lord_!" Wormtail sang.

"_Well the kid won't stop hindering my malignance!_" Voldemort argued, in song.

"_My what a guy, our dark lord_!" the Death Eaters joined. "_Imperio! And Crucio_!"

"_Tom Riddle's the best and the rest are all f_-"

"Don't call me that," Voldemort interrupted.

"Sorry," Wormtail replied.

"_No one nags like our lord, picks up hags like our lord_," the very drunk Death Eaters belted.

"_No one threatens his allies with death like our lord_," Lestrange sang raucously.

"_For there's no one as sick and unpleasant_," some random bimbos joined, draped over Voldemort.

"_You can see how they'd worship me so_," Voldy grinned.

"_Every bit of him's scraggly and scrawny_," sang Wormtail.

"That's right! _And once in a while I'll dress up in a bow_!"

The Death Eaters looked kinda freaked out at that, but sang anyway. "_No one fights like our lord! Flies nice kites like our lord!_"

"_In a wizarding duel no one cheats like our lord_…"

"_I do not cheat, and what the hell is a kite?_" Voldemort scratched his head.

"_My, what a guy, our dark lord_!"

A spotlight focused on Voldy, and he sang.

"_When I was a lad I opened the Chamber_

_Cause I was searching for the latrine_

_And since then I say that I meant to do that_

_Cause I like the Death Eater cuisine!"_

"_No one tricks like our lord, hits with bricks like our lord_," the Death Eaters sang, swinging their mugs.

Snape finally piped up from his shadowy corner. "_I'm here spying cause no one's as thick as their lord!_"

"_I use muggles for all of my decorating_!" Voldemort pointed to a woman sitting in the corner. "You there, Martha Stewart, those doilies are simply DARLING!"

"_Say it again _

_Who enjoys killing men? _

_And then say it once more_

_Who will win the Great War? _

_Who's a…so-so…success? _

_Don't you know? _

_Can't you guess? _

_Well don't ask that little Potter boy._

_There's just one evil snake who's got all this and mooooooore_…"

Wormtail kneeled in front of Voldemort's throne. "_And his name's V-O-L…D…V-O-L-D…A…V-O-L-D-R?_...

…Ahhh crap."

"_THE DARK LORDDDDDDDDDD!_" the entire room sang, dancing around the Dark Lord's throne before striking their final poses.

"My lord, this telegram just arrived," Bellatrix Lestrange announced from the doorframe, raising a perfectly groomed eyebrow at the men and their spirit fingers.

The death eaters quickly dispersed, looking rather embarrassed.

"Who from?" Voldemort asked, templing his fingers under his chin.

"I'm not exactly sure…may I send the messenger in?" she inquired.

"You may," the Dark Lord bowed his head, motioning for Lestrange to fetch him.

A few minutes later she returned, Tom Jones in tow. Mr. Jones was looking rather nervous, being in the midst of dozens of death eaters.

"Singing telegram for a Mr. You-Know-Who," Tom Jones announced, bowing at the Dark Lord's feet.

"Ooo! How lovely! I just love singing telegrams!" Voldemort announced with glee. "Proceed."

Tom Jones, his hands shaking uncontrollably, lifted the paper he had been carrying to his face and began to sing.

_It's not unuuuuusua-_

"Kill him," Voldemort ordered, grabbing the letter out of the man's hand before he was pulled out of the room, kicking and screaming, by two beefy death eaters. "I hate that song," he glared at the empty doorway, waiting for the sounds of screams to die down before reading the letter aloud:

_Laugh in two days_

_Invitations received_

_A scar is waiting_

_Ready_

_-B.W._

"I didn't know we added evil lions to our list of allies," Voldemort said to no one in particular.

"Erm, sir, I think he means Scar as in a scar, such as a scar that could possibly be on a forehead…hint hint," Wormtail nudged him.

"What on earth are you on about? And stop nudging me, I think you broke a rib," Voldy whined, rubbing his side.

"Potter, sir, he means Potter," Bellatrix drawled.

"Well of COURSE he means Potter, Lestrange; I knew that…" he smacked Wormtail upside the head. "Idiot!"

"I'm sorry my lord," Wormtail whimpered, doing that annoying twitchy thing he does. Stupid Wormtail.

"This is wonderful news! In two days the plan will be put into action and we'll finally be able to do something productive!" Voldemort cried, the Death Eaters cheering.

"BRING OUT THE STORY RUG!" he announced, clapping his hands and breaking a couple of skeletal fingers in the process.

Two nameless Death Eaters quickly rushed to the toy trunk situated at the back of the room and brought out the large, circular rug with the picture of the rainbow on it, placing it gently in front of the Dark Lord's throne. The Death Eaters sat, legs crossed, hands clasped obediently over their laps.

"I have chosen Draco Malfoy to perform a very important task. He must prove himself to me now that he bears the mark," Voldemort explained, looking around at his Death Eaters in their half-circle.

"Are you sure you want to trust Draco with such an important task?" Snape asked cautiously.

"What do you mean? He's annoying, he's spoiled, he's whiny, he looks a little like a ferret…he's a perfect candidate for certain death!" Voldemort explained, looking rather pleased with himself. "Plus, his father's an incompetent bumface."

"I'm sitting RIGHT HERE," Lucius huffed, combing out his freshly-dyed hair.

"Why IS he still here? He was supposed to be sent back to Azkaban after the song!" Voldemort cried, resisting the urge to throw a fit lest his Ikea throne break again.

"I feel so used," Lucius muttered as the same two beefy Death Eaters from the Tom Jones incident dragged him out.

"You should be used to it, what with being in Azkaban for so long…" Voldemort snickered, reveling in the chuckles of his simpering slav-…err…followers.

"Burn," said Bellatrix, whilst giving Voldemort a soothing ankle rub.

"So, you're basically planning the life and death of one of your own employees?" Martha Stewart spoke up, looking up from her knitting to give him one of her piercing looks.

"Voldemort has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan," Dolohov wisely replied, unsettled by Martha Stewart's presence. That woman was creeeep-y!

After a few moments of tense silence, Martha gave a dainty-woman-yet-powerful-corporate-executive shrug. "I respect that."

"I pay them in death and destruction," Voldemort nodded, feeling the need to say something after not having spoken for four lines.

"And meatballs," Wormtail added.

"Those aren't meatballs, Wormtail. And you're the only one that gets them…"

"I knew they tasted sort of funny," he replied, a thoughtful look on his face.

"My plan is foolproof! FOOLPROOF I TELL YOU!" Voldemort exclaimed, breaking off his arm in his excitement.

"I'll get the duct tape," Bella announced eagerly, running out of the room.

"Suckup," Voldemort shook his head, looking over to Snape. "That's why you're my new favorite," he said, petting Snape's greasy hair with his remaining arm. "Yes you are, yes you are! Aren't you a good widdle right-hand man?"

_Now I remember why I like Dumbledore so much…_Snape thought to himself, enduring the petting and baby talk.

The sounds of screaming children and really loud organ music signaled the arrival of Fenrir Greyback, the most fearsome werewolf to ever stalk the streets of wherever he happened to be at the time. Most people were terrified of him, but Voldemort just found him smelly.

"Ahh, Fenrir, I trust you bring me good news?" Voldemort said in way of greeting as the wolf-man lumbered into the EVIL common room. "And how many times have I told you not to play that dramatic sounds effects tape in the EVIL common room."

Fenrir reached into the back pocket of his dirty, skin-tight jeans and flicked the portable tape recorder to 'off'. "I apologize, my lord. I just find the fact that the good guys get their own sound effects technicians to be-"

"-how DARE you bring that up! You KNOW that's a sore spot with me!" Voldemort screeched, pointing his index finger at the werewolf.

Fenrir bowed quickly at the Dark Lord's feet, taking that opportunity to eat a rat that had been scurrying across the floor.

Wormtail cringed.

"I've rallied the werewolves. They're now officially working for the cause, my lord," Fenrir replied in his raspy growl of a voice, reaching up to pick a piece of rat tail from his teeth. He's so pleasant.

"I am not surprised," You-Know-Who stated as Bella rushed back into the room and began duct taping his arm back on. "I am rather imposing, aren't I?"

The "applause" sign situated above the serpent throne lit up and the Death Eaters applauded obediently.

Voldemort looked up at the lovely neon sign and began to pet it, "God I love this thing". Seems our pal Voldy enjoys petting things…or just touching things in general. Hence the whole "mashing his foot into Cedric's dead face" bit in the fourth movie. It was a nice touch. HAHA, get it? Touch? He likes touching th- oh forget it.

Snape was grateful for the distraction and quickly slinked back into the shadows. Oh Snape, you cannot escape humiliation. Not in THIS story at least.

"Soon I will have rallied together the greatest…and oddest…army ever to inhabit the wizarding world! And THEN we'll see who's 'most likely so succeed!'"

You see, when Voldemort was in Hogwarts, he had always dreamed of being voted 'most likely to succeed'. However, his dreams were all for naught, for Bob Saget was granted the honor instead. Poor Tom Riddle was stuck with 'most likely to become a talk show host'. He had been bitter about it ever since.

"BOB SAGET! Why? WHY? He didn't even attend the school! Was he even ALIVE back then?" Voldemort cried angrily. "A talk show host? How could _I_ be a talk show host? I'm not evil! I'M JUST WRITTEN THAT WAY!" He screamed, setting one of his death eaters on fire.

After watching the unknown minion writhe around in pain for a while, Voldemort let out a sigh. "I feel much better. Somebody get me a cigar."

Another random Death Eater approached the dark lord on his knees, holding out a wooden box.

"Ahh, Cubans. They add meaning to a lonely evil overlord's life…"

"And he's NOT talking about the delightful refugees kept in basements," Wormtail directed this toward the readers.

"Voldemort looked around, an expression of confusion on his face. "Who are you talking to?"

"Myself," Wormtail said, giving him a shifty look.

You-Know-Who stared at him for a while, unblinkingly, until Wormtail's hair burst into flames.

"…as I was saying. They add meaning to an evil overlord's life. It's lucky our _benefactor_ bought in bulk," the dark lord chuckled…no, not the dark lord chuckles, the dark lord _chuckled_…reaching over to open the box.

It was empty.

"EMPTY? EMPTY? Who's been stealing my cigars!"

Sound of demon fly buzzing.

"DAMN IT! I HATE YOU ALL! YOU'RE ALWAYS STEALING MY STUFF AND NOT GIVING IT BACK!" And with that, the evilest evil overlord of EVIL burst into tears…evilly.

* * *

...Back at Hogwarts...

"How can you steal something and give it back? The definition of stealing is to TAKE. If you were to give it back, you would have been BORROWING," a sleeping Seamus mumbled into his pillow.

"Yo, shut da f-"

"-riday," Ron, also asleep, interrupted.

"-up, mofo. I's tryin' ta sleep," Neville growled, throwing one of his heavy chains in the direction of Seamus's bed, knocking him unconscious.

"Word."

"Hey, wasn't Malfoy in that movie?" Harry asked no one in particular.

* * *

...Back at the Death Eater's lair...

"Why do I have the sudden urge to listen to rap music?" Voldemort pondered aloud.

"What I'm wondering is why Tom Jones was singing 'It's not unusual' when that wasn't even written in the telegram…" Bella asked. She's SO dead now.

"…good question." Voldemort replied, extracting himself from his throne to stand in front of his semi-circle of loyal followers. "Soon. Soon, my friends, we will have disposed of the only two people standing in the way of ULTIMATE VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY! VIC-"

"Uh, my lord, the echo isn't effective if you do it yourself," one Death Eater interrupted.

He promptly burst into flames.

"Damn."

* * *

Alrighty. A little different from my pervious chapters…other than the 14th…that was just madness. But yeah, I had to get a lot of important information in, so total and utter insanity had to be put on hold for once. My apologies. I shall get back to pointless crap in Chapter 16. However, the plot is in motion, my friends. BWAHA! COWER IN FEAR! FEEEAR!

Obviously the song is "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast. I wrote it a LOOOONG time ago and just HAD to fit it in my story somewhere.

The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy is from Dave the Barbarian.

Yes, another really weird reference. TOO BAD.

"Hey, wasn't Malfoy in that movie?" Because Seamus said "Borrowing"…yeah…XD The movie the Borrowers…right.

The whole Bob Saget thing was a take on the John Stamos thing from Clone High. Because Clone High rocks. And so does John Stamos. That is all.

Oh, and the whole "painful, painful plan" was ALSO from Clone High. Yay copyright infringement!

Hey, 1000 points to the person who records the death eater song. That and a cameo in my story. And my eternal love. And maybe some tube socks.

GOD, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

Selfish.

Oh, and as you can probably tell, I think Snape's innocent. I still despise him though.

Slugsaplenty- I'm sorry, I don't speak stupid.

Karmagirl- You are fabulous for reading!

Sunny Dayz- Always happy to brighten someone's day!

n jesdy- Thanks: )

awkward- whew! Your review made me tired, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. Sooo, where to begin. Yes, serious parts are definitely out of place. However, the are necessary. I know, it makes me cry too. I'm actually not this funny in person. I've hired someone to make all the jokes for me. I basically just add in the "ands" and "thes". We're a good team. It's so funny that you mention drug-induced stupor cause…well…you'll see in chapter 16. It's not fair though. Now I know how JK feels when people guess what she's going to say next and then bitch about how she's stealing from them. Ahh well, it's the curse of the writer. I love the science centre. That cool dinosaur room, and the bat cave. Boo ya. I definitely want to see that Mad Libs show right now. RIGHT NOW. I wouldn't be surprised on the whole verb-tenses front. I'm really lazy when it comes to structure and shofekmegert you finish the rest of the sentence. On the dream sequence thing…well…I left everything for so long that I'm not surprised everyone is convinced it was a dream sequence. Ooo, giving away stuff I have everything planned out already, so yeah, lots of surprises. ANYWAY. Up up and away is Buzz Lightyear…I think…or maybe that's to infinity and beyond…DAMN IT, now it's bothering me! And they're actually called "Mini Ritz Scooba". I guess they don't like acronyms? Mayhaps? I don't know. Anyway…Fred and George is a good idea. I shall fit them in. Thanks for the review!

DarkStarThaeter- I do it all for you, my friend. Good luck on any future tests.

Gred Weasley- I should have a chapter dedicated to all the characters you want me to introduce. It would be the longest one yet. XD

Fanfic Gurl- Your review made me bounce in my seat. It was like skipping…or hopscotch…in word form. Anyway, yes, math sucks. I agree. And so does your teacher. Simply because she teaches math. YES, I have joined the ranks of the few, the mighty, the QUOTES. Just stay away from the floating camera. It's mine.

Sarah Rudzin- American Idol is like a car crash. It's painful to watch, yet you can't tear your eyes away…blank stare…thanks for reviewing!

ZeLynx- ZeLynx most definitely sounds French. I want to eat it. With gravy. Anyway…I apologize for not living up to expectations throws self off bridge Unfortunately not everyone understands the insanity which is Percydude. sigh

Sunny Dayz-…thanks again! Lol. And the translation is in the next chapter, if im not mistaken.

roses in bloom- It's okay. I was confused while I wrote it. All is well.

TheGreatOne- your name suits you because you review. Omg overload of rhyming. Explodes

Meknowenglish- bwahah, I appreciate your determination. I wonder what I fry pie would taste like…then again, pie and fry don't end in the same two letters, so probably awful.

cggeek241- Oh he will return. You can count on it.

Miroku's Priestess- That is a great compliment, Mandi, thank you. I shall continue to try my best to make you laugh…erm…after this chapter, of course. sweatdrop…anime style

backsplash007- Dude, I completely forgot about Ginny. Thanks for reminding me XD And Luna! Ahh! Too many friggin characters.

dragonfly-child- eyes …draco it is?

lavalampronsgirl- thank you! I love YOU.

Susan B- Yes, Percy scares me too. That is why I enjoy writing him so much.

Vanyaria Darkshadow- Everyone should teach underprivileged children to read. That way the poor Americans won't have presidents like Bush. (Did that make sense? Absolutely not. Score) I'm SO glad you liked the 14th chapter. Load of my mind, and I'm totally not being sarcastic, haha. I shall insert Simon Cowell in again, just for you.

sweet775- Erm…sure! Why not?

MoonGoddess25- Always glad to be able to help someone annoy their parents. That's what I'm here for.I like long reviews, by the way. Keep them coming.

Mae Ari- You made my eye twitch a little bit. It felt good. And yes, I choose reading over sleep ANY day. Oh…and Hedwig…died in a horrible fire. Or I've just forgotten to add her in. Either or.

13fuzzyllamas- Yes, Ron rocks. I must agree. And ramble all you like! I love reading reviews. Your reviews are hilariously odd as well, so I don't mind multiple ones. Please send me a psychotic Russian anthropologist. I've always wanted one, but Santa's a jerk.

Elfy Died- VFD! –random lemony snicket reference-

Nic- I'll post YOUR bum. …what?

CoPaCaBaNa- I've actually never seen Dicky Roberts. I don't know where I got shizzit from. THANK YOU! YOU ROCK MORE, OMGW3!

GingerNCeline- Oo Gollum? Is that you?

Donna- Love you too! And knowing voldy, he'll probably set my keyboard on fire anyway.

Br0wn3yedGirl- Always glad to spawn a new generation of psychos. : ) Welcome to the ranks.

Puppy- Face is clawed off Meh, I guess I asked for it

Chipmunk is Me- Well I'm insane, random, and …skip the last one… so it makes sense!

Live Fast Die Never- Don't worry. I have pot of cold chocolates. They can bring ANYTHING back to life.

Harry/Harriet- …I…don't want to know…

Phoenix Skyborne- Thank…you.

Red-Devil15- Good idea! Evil rat thing rocks! And so do you, because you like … about as much as I do!

thecorrupted- already commented to you, but here I go again! Haha. I value your opinion, good…sir? Ma'me? Although coke analogies…soooo not cool, "dude".

Nicola- NOW who's needy, computer-borrower. –Bizzzitch- Everyone must blame Nic for my not updating in several years…because she didn't make me food.

Tomiko the Muse- your review made me laugh out loud, haha. I apologize for my lack of anime knowledge. I shall forever look to you if I decide to add in another reference.

Abigail-Nicole- you should! I want to boast about being your inspiration, so you better. More Mad Libs coming up!

I'm Not The Weakest Link- merci!

Elianor Giles- Meh, how am I supposed to know, I'm Canadian XD I didn't know you guys had pennies. Sorry about that. But I love how happy the story makes you too, so we're all good.

Goldilocks31890- Sorry about the whole…not updating soon…heh heh. Thanks!

electric pancake- Erm…thanks?

Mystic Catface- The weirdness is what makes it funny, in my opinion.

hermyandronforevr- haha, thanks for the re-review. Muchly appreciated.

Blandsaft- Hahaha "Priceless, and I don't even have a mastercard" that was kick ass. High five to you. And the potted plant is making a comeback, all thanks to you

Harry/Harriet- It HAS been a while! Yeesh. I'm neglecting everyone Sobs uncontrollably I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON!

Nic- Canada

tutu tam- It was a wonderful review! Thanks so much.

FanFictionFantom- haha, poor tortured chickens. And I am certainly back. I'm sorry for the very long delay.

Frisky Muffin- I agree. You most definitely have to be insane to write one. Insane LIKE A FOX

Raven from Teen Titans- What about your wildest wildest WILDEST dreams? Huh? HUH?

bluirinka- Awww. My love for you is what makes me go on. Celine Dion song plays in the background Freezes to death

FanGirl- Comes back from the dead to answer the rest of the billion reviews And you shall have more! TRIUMPHANT HORNS AND…SUCH…

Purplereader- Wow. Your review makes me very happy. I didn't know people actually talked about me, haha. And life is always grand with rocky road holds ice cream up to floating camera

Mecha Scorpion- Making references to weird things is a BAD thing! BLASPHEMY!

Hyper Pearl Girl- I remind myself of you too! …OO?

rhettrocksmyworld- thank you with a side of nutella!

This is just getting ridiculous

sweetsyphn- you passed a field of LLAMAS? THAT IS THE COOLEST THING EVER! And I'm Canadian, and we have pennies and cents…pennies are 1 cent…yeah…

xsoccer4ever- Thank you! I try! I really do. (-lying-)

xiRiShx QtAyx- …whew, thank god. If people started seeing me as hot I'd lose all my appeal XD thanks for the…review?

Gryffindorgal89- Edgar allen pie is da shiznit, yo. I RHYMED AGAIN! When will the coolness STOP?

Blandsaft- I kept my promise! I didn't want anymore sharp pains in various body parts sob

Hyperpearlgirl- huzzah is the coolest word ever

FanFictionFantom- baha. Hopefully you remember some stuff from previous chapters…Oo

WOW! That took FOREVER. But I promised I would reply to each and every one of you, and so I did. Holy. Crap.


	16. Ginny's many lovers

**Author's notes: **YAY! Extremely long chapter.

I like it, and you better as well, or I'll cut ya.

I've most likely used that threat before, but I swear I will.

Anyway, there's some love crap in here just in time for Valentine's. I was determined to put it up today, as opposed to my Christmas chapter posted waaaay after Christmas. Haha, score and mothballs.

SOOOO…enjoy! I'm almost at 300 reviews, 4 MORE PEOPLE! COME ONNN!

We'll have a 300 review party. Wut wut.

Oh, and I finally address the issue of "OMG I CANT BELIEVE IT WUZ A DREAM, U SUX0RS!" …to some capacity…shifty

**Chapter 16**

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, sitting up in bed.

He glanced around the familiar room, blinking a couple of times to clear his head. He was back in his dorm room, sitting on top of his scarlet bedspread, wearing his school clothes.

"HARRY!" Ron burst into the room, red-faced and sweaty. "IS IT BLACK?"

"Wrong book Ron," Harry panted, running a hand through his hair. He never thought he'd be so happy to see Ron in his life.

"Oh yeah…" the red-head shrugged.

"Ron, what the heck happened," a very disoriented Harry inquired, falling back onto his pillow.

"Well, I had a spot of breakfast, just some oatmeal and crackers. Then I went for a walk, trying to break in those new pumps and all. Hmm, well then I had to go to the bathroom so I-"

"Ron, I meant what happened to _me_," Harry rolled his eyes.

"You, you, you, it's ALWAYS about you, isn't it? What about MY needs! You never tell me I'm beautiful anymore! I got a new haircut and you didn't even NOTICE!" Ron sniffled, blowing his nose daintily.

"Don't make me kill you," Harry said simply.

"Threats, idle threats," Ron grinned. "Well, you went to see Lupin, I tried to make out with Hermione, Lupin brought you to the hospital wing, said you fainted in the Room of Requirement. You really gotta stop doing that, mate, you're acting like a girl."

Harry stared, wide-eyed. "What was that about you and Hermione?"

Ron looked shifty. "Uh…I said…Hermione and I…played 'shout'…new game…very interesting…kinda like chess but not…"

"Ahh…" Harry nodded, deciding blissful unawareness was better then picturing Ron trying to make out with Hermione. "So, wait a minute…was it a dream or wasn't it? Cause Percydude's getting a lot of abuse over this…" I made Harry say, because I am God.

"Ugh, the omnipotent author's got to you too, eh?" Ron nodded.

Harry ignored this.

"I was in the forest, and there were drug fairies, and water mirrors, and gold tickets, and whistles-"

"WHISTLES!" Ron cringed.

_Giggle._

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Invisible elf again?" Harry asked.

"You are correct sir," Ron replied.

"HARRY! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Dean, as exuberant as ever, bounded into the dorm. He was followed by the rest of the roommates who, for some odd reason, were wearing marching band uniforms.

"Dean, he was talking in his sleep last night, you KNEW he was alive," Ron said, rolling his eyes and slowly reaching for the Taser gun he found on the bottom of his Corn Flakes box…just in case…

"I can't believe I was passed out for that long," Harry marveled, the shock evident on his face.

"You've had worse," Ron replied.

"Shizzit, you's be faintin' all up in dis biatch. Dats whack, brotha," Neville pointed out, tucking one end of his robes into his boxers.

"The fact that I pass out a lot has been well established. Can we move on?" Harry asked, trying to maintain his indifference and failing miserably.

"I dreamed Death Eaters were singing Disney songs…" Seamus stated, eyes wide in horror. Unbeknownst to Seamus, he had been walking around the school with the imprint of a "G" on his forehead all morning.

"Oh Seamus. Where do you come up with this stuff?" Harry shook his head. "Although I did have a dream about Draco with ginger hair..."

Ron gave him a squinty-eyed look.

"No, Ron, this is NOT a slash fic," Harry rolled his eyes heavenward.

"Thank god. You wouldn't believe how many Lupin/Sirius lovers there are out there," Ron shivered.

* * *

_...Meanwhile, in Lupin's Office..._

"There is no friggin WAY I'm doing it with a corpse!" Lupin argued, hands on his hips. "Besides, apparently I'm with Tonks now…"

He's no fun.

* * *

_...And back with the Gryffs..._

"These time shifts hurt my head," Ron complained, earning looks of confusion from the other kids.

"Anyway, what happened? All we've been told is you were found piss drunk in the Room of Requirement wearing nothing but ballet slippers and a 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt," Seamus explained, sitting on the end of Harry's bed.

"Damn those rumor mongers twisting stories for their own amusement!" Ron said indignantly.

"Ron, YOU'RE the one who told us that," Seamus replied.

"Don't make me knock you out, Finnigan," Ron glared, his hand tightening on the Taser.

Harry, calling on his amazing powers of indifference, heard nothing of this conversation, and only began speaking once his brain registered a break in the conversation. "Lupin asked me to go meet him in the Room of Requirement, and when I got there he was in this giant forest. So after following a dark and dangerous-looking path I met up with these fairies and saw my face in water…and there were creepy children…oh Jesus, just read Chapter 14," Harry finished, rather flustered.

"Sh-"

"-eep dog," Ron interrupted.

"-dawg, y'all one big ball of crazy," Neville commented from his seat on the window sill.

"…have you been overdosing on Tylenol again, Harry?" Dean asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"I'm probably the only student in this school who isn't crazy or on drugs," Harry pointed out. They all had to agree, albeit reluctantly.

"Who _poos _in the _horse _'neath the _carrot_ tree, it's Sexual Harassment _lampshade _," Ron suddenly recited, nearly losing his lunch with the force of his laughter. "CARROTS DON'T GROW ON TREES!"

"Ron! We're discussing important business and you're doing MAD LIBS?" Harry said angrily, crossing his arms over his chest.

"THE LAMPSHADE SEXUALLY HARASSES PEOPLE!" Ron choked out through his laughter, rolling face-first on Harry's bedspread.

After hitting Ron with spoons for a while, they were finally able to get him back to what would be considered normal for Ron.

"Does anyone else realize that we don't go to classes anymore?" Harry inquired, putting his hitting spoon back in his nightstand.

"Be realistic Harry! If we went to class every day instead of play with Mad Libs and go on drug-induced adventures in forests, this would be a pretty boring story," Ron explained.

"Story?" Seamus asked.

"IT WASN'T DRUG-INDUCED! IT REALLY HAPPENED!" Harry cried, defensively.

"Suuuure it was," Ron and Seamus said together.

"I personally think it was booze," Dean piped up.

"Germans," Harry said simply.

"GERMANS? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? ARE YOU GERMAN? DO YOU KNOW A GERMAN? YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME. YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO KILL ME. YOU'RE TRYING TO USE MY CLONE TO KILL ME AND TAKE OVER MY LIFE AND STEAL MY NEW FALL WARDROBE BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS! JEALOUS! ALL OF YOU! WELL IT'S NOT GONNA WORK! IT'S NOT!" Dean overreacted, once again, locking himself in his closet.

"I love doing that," Harry smiled.

"You're mean," Seamus pointed out.

"As God as my witness, I'm going to figure out a way to prove the forest adventure actually happened!"

Little did Harry know God couldn't POSSIBLY be his witness, for he was busy playing bejeweled at the time.

"Anyway, since we've already gotten to beat Ron with spoons, we're gonna go wander around aimlessly," Seamus announced, getting to his feet and walking towards the door.

"Screw dat, I's gon' stand in dark corners lookin' all scary an' shizzit," Neville explained, following Seamus out and closing the door behind him.

"So this dream. Or…hallucination…Whatever it was. Could it possibly be significant in some way?" Harry asked, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and standing up.

"How am I supposed to know? I'm the pretty one. We should go ask Lupin. If he was introduced into the story he MUST have some purpose," Ron replied, standing as well and waiting for Harry to get dressed.

-Insert screeches from R/H shippers-

"Good idea. Since we obviously don't have classes anymore, let's go ask him right now."

"Excellent. I want to try out this new shield I bought," Ron said, dragging a huge, gold shield out from under his bed.

"Where the HELL did you get that?" Harry asked, pulling on socks to cover up his extremely sexy big toe. One must not flaunt these things, you know. I rhymed.

"I don't know, the shield store? Who cares! IT'S A BIG FRIGGIN SHIELD!" Ron cried happily. "The only problem is it's, like, 200 pounds."

"Well just hurry up. We've got to get to Lupin before this part of the chapter gets boring," Harry said, rushing toward the door after pulling on his robes.

"Psh, it got boring a LONG time ago," Ron stated, dragging the shield behind him.

* * *

And so the boy wonder and his trusty sidekick went on a perilous journey to Professor Lupin's office, overcoming many obstacles such as paper cuts and Harry's many stalkers.

Ron managed to take out half a dozen of the insane fans with his 200 pound gold shield of DOOM, but they were only able to slip away after Harry threw yet another pair of underwear at the crowd. How Harry took off his underwear without removing his pants, we'll never know. Watch Zoolander and you might be able to figure it out.

The two boys slowly approached the door to Lupin's office, Ron securing the perimeter with freshly-bought caution tape as Harry knocked on the door.

Lupin pulled the door open before Harry even had a chance to pull back his fist. "I SWEAR I DIDN'T STEAL THAT CORSET!"

Beat.

"Oh, it's just you two. I was wondering when you'd come down to annoy me again," said Lupin, opening the door a little wider and retreating back to his desk.

"Sorry to bother you," Harry began.

"No you're not," Lupin interrupted.

Harry ignored this.

"But I'm trying to prove to everyone that I didn't have a drug-induced hallucination yesterday," Harry finished, waiting for Lupin to back up his story.

"Harry, I know your godfather died, but that's no reason to do drugs," Lupin explained patiently.

"I'm NOT on drugs! That's the point!"

"The first step to recovery is acceptance," Lupin continued.

"I'M NOT ON DRUGS!" Harry yelled.

"Then why are you here?" Lupin asked. "You know I can't stand teenager smell!"

"I'm just trying to figure out if it was a dream or not!" Harry said impatiently, stamping his foot like a petulant child.

"How am I supposed to know! I only saw you go into that hedge and disappear! I was standing in that clearing for _four hours_ waiting for you to come back. I don't even LIKE nature!" Lupin complained.

"But you're a _werewolf_…" Ron said, a brow raised.

"SO? Just because I'm part wolf doesn't mean I like trees and dirt and icky _bugs_!" Lupin replied.

"Then how did you get me back to the hospital wing?" Harry asked.

"Well, all of a sudden the ground lurched and everything went black. When I could finally see again the trees were gone and there you were, lying in the middle of the clearing unconscious," Lupin shrugged. "You have to stop fainting Harry, it's becoming a regular occurrence with you."

"That's what I said," Ron nodded.

"You said regular occurrence?" Lupin asked, shocked that Ron knew big words.

"Can we get back to ME please? Does NOBODY understand that I'm fricken HARRY POTTER!"

"He's right! He _is_ Harry Potter!" Lupin exclaimed.

Sound of demon fly buzzing.

"OH GOD! OH _GOD_!" Lupin sobbed, taking refuge under his desk.

"…I guess that's our cue to leave," Ron said, ushering Harry out the door.

"What about your shield?" Harry asked.

"He needs it more than I do," Ron replied, shutting the office door behind them.

"You're just too lazy to haul it back to the common room, aren't you?" Harry laughed.

"Yes. Yes I am."

* * *

After their conversation with Lupin, Harry and Ron wandered the halls, trying to make sense of all the odd happenings lately.

…that or they were just bored and had run out of paper clips to flick at unsuspecting first years…

"So Lupin was completely useless, as usual," Harry commented as the boys passed yet another suit of armor.

"You'd think he'd have some purpose if we continually find the need to talk to him about stuff," Ron pointed out.

"Potter! Weasley! What are you doing wandering the halls during class time?" Professor McGonagall startled them, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"But…we thought there _were _no more classes!" Harry cried, shocked.

"Potter, just because you and Mr. Weasley refuse to acknowledge the fact that you have classes does NOT mean there are none. This isn't _bad_ fanfiction!"

"That's _your_ opinion," Ron muttered.

"But I'm the main character!" Harry whined.

"Well if you don't get back in class this minor character is going to throw your as-"

"-paragus," Ron interrupted.

"-right out of this school!" And with that she turned on a heel and disappeared. Literally.

"How did she do that?" Ron asked wonderingly.

"She obviously doesn't understand the 'world revolves around main character' rule," Harry grumbled. "C'mon Ron, we better get to class."

"Seriously, she just disappeared!"

* * *

"Ahh Potter, Weasley, nice of you to join us," McGonagall announced, as the two boys entered the classroom.

"_I don't think she means that_," Ron whispered to Harry as they took seats beside Hermione, which happened to be empty…probably due to the recent increase in vampire attacks in the last month. Count Chocula was pretty pissed that she had taken over his turf.

"Where have you two been?" Hermione asked in hushed tones.

"NOBODY TOLD US WE STILL HAD CLASSES!" Harry shouted angrily.

"We had quite enough of your angry outbursts last year, Mr. Potter. Now do stop being an attention whore and let us get back to our lesson," McGonagall glared in his direction, all glarey-like.

And so Harry, now thoroughly chastised, promptly shut up and went back to being indifferent. Such is the beauty of teenagers…and the joys of cola.

"Now, as we were discussing before the interruption-"

"_That's us_," Ron clarified.

"-tuxedo mask is a mysterious man in a tuxedo and mask who shows up at random moments to save the Sailor Scouts from the forces of evil with his baton of manliness," McGonagall explained.

Harry was perplexed by this topic of discussion.

"Buy why does it take only one man to do what five women could not?" Hermione seethed, breaking off the tip of her quill…in Seamus's side.

Ow.

"Oh come now, Hermione. Everyone knows men rule the world," Ron rolled his eyes, picking an old piece of gum off the bottom of his desk and popping it in his mouth.

"He is our future," Harry said proudly, patting the top of Ron's head.

At this point Hermione probably would've killed herself if she weren't already undead.

"I have a question, Professor," Lavender announced, a hand raised above her head.

McGonagall looked completely and utterly perplexed. "You…can speak?"

…

"Right. Anyway, I was wondering if we could see Ron's baton of manliness," she giggled, as did the rest of the girls in the class…except Hermione…and Malfoy…cause he wasn't in this class.

"Miss. Brown, that was very inappropriate! There is no room for sexual innuendo in this classroom!"

"Will I ever belong?" Sexu Alin Nuendo cried, packing up his things and shuffling out of the room.

"Much better, now I have room for my bobble heads," the Professor smiled with satisfaction, placing a Big Bird bobble head on the empty desk.

"Tinguzzi Floogoogle!" Lihrakzarnoggin cried, jumping up from her chair excitedly.

The class went completely and totally silent, staring at her with wide eyes.

She cleared her throat and adjusted a knob on her giant silver necklace. "I mean…I GOT IT! I GOT IT!"

"You got what?" Harry asked.

"THE LAST GOLDEN TICKET!" She announced, holding it above her head triumphantly.

The class burst into excited chatter, crowding around the green-skinned girl.

"I was looking around in my bag for my flesh-eati-…errr…for my…candies…" she began, looking very shifty.

"OMG I LOVE flesh candies," Ron interrupted.

Collective silence, wide-eyed staring, etcetera etcetera.

"…but I found this instead!" Lihrakzarnoggin finished, making a series of odd high-pitched noises that made Professor McGonagall rapidly change in and out of her feline form.

"So, all of the golden tickets have been found! We can finally get to the good stuff!" Harry exclaimed as the crowd lifted him into the air and carried him out of the room, cheering.

"Can someone carry _me_ to the hospital wing?" Seamus moaned from his position on the floor, Hermione's quill thoroughly imbedded in his side.

* * *

"So Ron, you're the sun," Harry explained.

"I AM THE MIGHTY SUN! BOW BEFORE MY UNCONTROLLABLE SHININESS AND MY DEADLY ULTRAVIOLET RADIATION! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"…right. And I'm the moon," Harry continued.

"Hehe, moon," Ron giggled.

"Okay, scratch that. I'm the earth." Harry began to walk around Ron in a circle, stopping when he reached his original position. "I revolve around you. Everything does."

"FINALLY! The sidekick gets some recognition!"

"No Ron, I'm the earth"

"I thought you were Harry?"

"Nevermind, I give up"

"Well that was quick."

"What on earth are you two doing?" Hermione asked, having walked in unnoticed during Ron's evil laughter.

"I'm trying to teach Ron the basic laws of the universe," Harry explained.

"I'm shiny."

"Well if you two are done being stupid…"

"Never," Ron interrupted.

"…I'm going to do giant amounts of homework," Hermione finished, sitting at one of the scarlet tables scattered around the common room and pulling out her books.

"How does she fit all that in there?" Harry asked Ron, watching as Hermione began piling books on the floor, as she had already filled every available space on the tabletop.

"She's like Santa," Ron commented, hoping to find toys as he reached towards it but getting a sharp slap from Hermione instead.

"Don't touch the bag," she growled, baring her corked fangs.

"Hermione, there IS a such thing as TOO much work," Ron pointed out.

Hermione glared back at him. "At least I don't take pointless classes, like that cutting and pasting class you signed up for!"

* * *

_Earlier that day, in Cutting and Pasting 101…_

"Okay students, now you're going to take your safety scissors and cut out the shape of a st-…RONALD WEASLEY! How many times have I told you? Stop eating your paste!"

A very guilty looking Ron sat in the corner, a ring of glue outlining his mouth. "I gun gnow wha you thlak bout," he answered back, shiftily.

* * *

_Back in the common room, present time…_

Ron brought a finger to his lips, licking it. "Mmmm, that's gooood paste."

Gag.

"C'mon Hermione, we're bored and watching you is making us even more bored," Harry whined, dropping to the floor and rolling around.

"FINE!" Hermione snapped, pushing her chair back violently and standing up. "I'm going to the kitchens to visit the elves before you two come up with another clever plan to get us killed…"

"Too late," Ron interrupted, pulling out the poison darts.

"You didn't let me finish my line!" Hermione screeched indignantly, turning on a heel and exiting the common room through the portrait hole.

"I'll save these for later," Ron said, pocketing the darts.

"So we're following her, right?" Harry asked, still rolling.

"Yeah, but you should put some shoes on first," Ron said, motioning towards Harry's socked feet.

"BRILLIANT PLAN, WATSON!" Harry exclaimed, jumping to his feet and running towards the boy's staircase with a fist extended, all superhero-esque-ish.

* * *

"Ron, I don't think I can go through with this," Harry whispered, staring at the opposite wall somberly.

Usually he and Ron would go through their daily dinner preparations…which consisted of Ron showering himself in cologne (he thought it would make Hermione think he was growned-up) and Harry mussing his hair until he believed he was sexy enough to be seen in public…at this time. Like father like son.

However, this evening Harry had been sitting on the edge of his bed with his sneakers in his lap through all of Ron's preparation, not even touching his hair. Something had to be horribly wrong.

"Why not? Just do what I do. Rabbit goes around the tree, in the rabbit hole…wait…or is it around the rabbit hole and into the tree? Oh damn…" Ron sighed.

"No Ron, that's not it. Although I often wonder about that damn rabbit," Harry paused and thought, and thought and paused. Then he continued, after all this pausing and thinking. "I don't think I can go to the factory."

"Are you mad?" Ron began. "I am your daughter."

"Excuse me?" Harry raised a brow.

"Nothing. So why can't you go?"

"It's a long, painful story. I can't really go into it," Harry said, mysteriously.

"Okay," Ron shrugged, reaching for his mad libs.

"Damn it Ron, you're always guilt tripping me!" Harry yelled.

"Wha-? I didn't say anything!" Ron replied, eyes wide. That rhymed.

"FINE! I'LL TELL YOU! Sheesh, now I know why Seamus hates you."

"Seamus hates me?" Ron asked meekly.

"My story starts when I was around five years old. It was my birthday and I was opening my presents. My parents had bought me trains, and planes, and taxi cabs, but my favorite present was a shiny new chocolate bar…"

"-erm, Harry?" Ron interrupted.

"What Ron? What now?" Harry asked angrily.

"Your parents weren't alive when you were five," Ron pointed out, rhyming as only cool people tend to do.

"Ron, my entire life I've had an evil wizard try to murder me five times, I've had both my parents die when I was too young to even remember…"

At this point Dobby had appeared in the corner of the room, playing the violin.

"…I've lived with three of THE MOST despicable people who've ever lived. I've been beaten, bruised, made fun of, neglected, starved, and isolated. I've had the entire student body think I was going to kill them and have been publicly humiliated more than once. I've been chased by dementors, hated by the entire wizarding world, and the only man who possibly could've made my life outside of Hogwarts better was ripped away from me…TWICE. At LEAST let me have fake childhood memories," Harry finished.

Dobby stopped playing for a moment to sarcastically wipe at his eyes. "Harry Potter's life is horrendous. Dobby would no nothing of servitude, solitary confinement, beatings, and possible death. Dobby _only_ lived with the _Malfoys_." With that he rolled his eyes and continued on with his music. It's all about atmosphere, people.

"You're right, continue on with your story," Ron answered, holding back tears. Be strong Ron. Be strong.

"Well now I forget where I was," Harry huffed. "Give me a second."

He turned toward his bed, lifting the mattress and sliding his hello kitty diary out from under it. He then fished his tiny key out of his pocket and opened the tiny diary lock with it.

"Alright, I know I wrote it in here somewhere. It was…June…no July obviously…somewhere around here…" Harry muttered to himself, flipping through the pink pages. "Aha!" he exclaimed triumphantly, his finger marking his place in the book.

"Okay here it is. _I took a bite of the sweet, sweet chocolate bar, the first chocolate bar I had ever tasted. It was sweet. Everything in the world was sweet in that one moment until I discovered, fifteen minutes later, that I_…" Harry stopped, choking up.

"You what?" Ron asked, getting into the story.

"That I…am lactose intolerant," Harry finished.

"No you're NOT! You were eating pudding just yesterday!" Ron exclaimed.

"True," Harry shrugged. "I guess I can go now," he said, closing his book. He locked his diary with his special diary key, shoved it back under his mattress, and motioned for Dobby to stop playing.

"Thanks Dobby. Here have a sock," he chucked a bright pink sock in Dobby's direction and went back to putting on his sneakers. Why Harry has bright pink socks…nobody will ever know.

Dobby caught the sock as it flew toward him, giving Harry a sour look. "Oh, _thank you_ Harry Potter, sir. Harry Potter is oh so kind." _Why does this kid keep giving me socks? What happened to the good old days of jell-o shooters and video games?_ Dobby thought to himself, muttering angrily as he left the room, dragging his violin on the floor behind him.

"Ready?" Harry asked Ron as he checked out his hair once more in the mirror, mussing it a bit more in the back.

"You go down. I'll be there in a second," Ron replied, looking shifty.

"Ron, we don't have time for Mad Libs right now," Harry chastised, already starting for the door.

Little did Harry know Ron was actually going to rummage around his personal effects looking for something to sell on EBay. "Right…Mad Libs…heh heh."

Harry ignored this and made his way down the Boys' staircase and into the common room. What he found there was worse than anything he could ever imagine...

"GINNY!" Harry gasped upon seeing the red-headed firecracker in the arms of a kid he'd never seen before.

Ginny wheeled around at Harry's outburst, a hand to her heart. "HARRY! You scared the bejesus outta me!"

Harry didn't hear a word of this, for he was too busy glaring at the nameless kid who was mackin' on his wumman.

Jealous? Nah.

"So this is the guy you've been dating?" He asked, not taking his death glare off the rather uncomfortable-looking kid for a second.

"Well, no. I was dating Dean, but someone mentioned Germans and he's been locked in a closet all day, so I decided to move on to…er…"

"…Jake," the not-so-nameless kid answered.

"…right. I decided to move on to Jack here. A girl has to keep her options open, ya know," Ginny finished.

"It's Jake," he corrected.

"Whatever."

"Does Dean know?" Harry asked, trying to be nonchalant about all of this, even though a BURNING ANGER WAS SEARING HIS FLESH.

"I don't know. And no, Harry, my dating the entire male population of Hogwarts has nothing to do with the fact that I'm trying to make you jealous and forget about you all in one go, so don't even jump to that conclusion," Ginny explained, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly. "…and why is your skin smoking?"

"Peer pressure," Harry replied.

"Ginny, I've kinda served my purpose in this scene. And I'm pretty sure I'm about to get killed off by the protagonist real soon. Can I go?" Jake asked, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"Yeah, whatever Jill," Ginny replied offhandedly, motioning toward the portrait hole.

And so Jake was gone, never to be seen again…cause I have too many characters already.

"Ginny, now that you're not running away from me like I have the plague and you're dating other guys, I suddenly find you beautiful, intelligent, funny, and charming," Harry said wistfully, finally realizing that girls may not be as icky as he thought.

"Oh great! I finally think I'm over you and you pull this crap!" Ginny growled, stomping out of the room.

"Well that went well," Harry said sarcastically, staring at the empty portrait hole.

"Hey Harry!" Ron entered the room at exactly the right moment. It's all about the timing.

"I WASN'T HITTING ON YOUR SISTER!" Harry shouted, whirling around to face is surprised-looking best friend.

"I didn't say anyth-"

"MY GOD RON! WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY?" Harry said angrily, stomping his way out of the portrait hole.

If Ron wasn't too busy staring at the Bookmice that had swarmed around Hermione's forgotten books he would've been very suspicious about that conversation.

* * *

"So the carrot says to the radioactive marshmallow…that's not a chalkboard, that's my mother!" Ron slapped his knee after his punch line, looking around the kitchens for signs of amusement and/or slight tolerance.

To his dismay, the house elves not so much as tittered at his joke, as they were too busy trying to shove various food-like articles into/onto various part-like body parts belonging to himself, Harry, and Elroy…sike…and Hermione.

"You know, it's utterly impossible to converse with these creatures whilst they're shoving grapes up your nose," Harry observed, batting one away.

"They're only trying to be friendly," said Elro-…errr…Hermione.

"That or they're trying to suffocate us with food," Ron replied, still sour that his joke bombed.

"Harry Potter, sir!" An incredibly high-pitched squeak of a voice sounded out amongst the murmurs of the other house-elves, catching Harry's attention.

"Hi Winky! I see you've been able to steer clear of Hermione's many clothing articles," Harry pointed out, noting the same old dirty tea towel draped around her small frame.

"Winky no longer works at Hogwarts, Harry Potter. Winky is somewhere where she can better herself. Winky is someplace far away…"

* * *

_Someplace far away… _

"I is Winky and I is an alcoholic," Winky exclaimed, standing on fourteen phone books behind a podium.

"Hi, Winky," the crowd chorused.

"I is believing Winky's problem stems from Winky's horrible disease, TBG."

"Gollum and Sméagol hassss TBG asss well," Gollum/Sméagol exclaimed excitedly from the crowd.

"Me a'swell!" Hagrid's thunderous voice boomed over the audience.

Well it seems like we've come to a conclusion here…all fictional, alcoholic, minor literary characters have TBG- Terribly Bad Grammar.

_Now where were we…_

* * *

"So why are you _here_ then?" Harry asked while having a cupcake mashed in his eye.

"Winky is visiting old friends, Harry Potter, sir. Winky is showing them she is feeling better," Winky explained, looking up at Harry with those huge brown eyes of hers.

"Good for you, Winky! You stand up for your right to be sane!" Hermione nodded in approval, her eyes shining with tears.

"Harry Potter, sir. I is not being disrespectful, but the bushy-haired girl is scaring Winky," Winky cowered. She'd always had an irrational fear of Hermione.

"Don't be afraid! I just want you to be happy!" Hermione cried.

Okay so maybe it wasn't so irrational.

"Don't worry Winky, we're leaving," Harry announced, grabbing Hermione by the elbow and dragging her toward the door.

"BUT THE ELVES! THE ELVES! THEY NEED MY HELP! THEY'RE BEING OPRESSED! HELP! HELP! THEY'RE BEING OPRESSED!" Hermione struggled against Harry's hold, trying to get back to her beloved house-elves.

"Bye Winky! It was nice to see you again!" Harry called over his shoulder.

"Harry Potter, sir, you forgot your Wheezy!" Winky squeaked, motioning towards Ron who was stuffing his pockets full of mashed potatoes.

"Snitch!" Ron grumbled, following Harry out the door.

* * *

_...And now for yet ANOTHER random Ron/Hermione moment..._

"I love you!"

"No, I love YOU"

"No, _I_ love YOU!"

"I love you more!"

"No, _I _love _you_ more!"

_-When we return: Lies, deceit, and a very large possibility of apple pie…-_

"Soap operas are getting crappier and crappier," Ron commented, sticking his hand in the bowl of popcorn he and Hermione were sharing.

"Yeah, the dialogue could probably be better," she agreed, picking up the remote control and changing the channel.

_...And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

* * *

_

That evening the Gryffindor kids sat in the Great Hall at the "cool" table, talking about sports and cheerleading and what righteous party they were going to attend this weekend.

Stupid elitist bas-

"-s," Ron interrupted. That wasn't very creative, Weasley.

"_You _write my lines," Ron replied.

"He's so cute I don't even mind it when he talks to himself," Lavender pointed out, her head resting on a very uncomfortable-looking Ron's shoulder. "Hey Hermione, I haven't seen Crookshanks around lately. Where's he been?"

"Vampires eat cats," said Harry simply.

"And stupid people," Hermione glared at the girl, causing her to lift her head from Ron's shoulder.

"Yo crackas, check out ma blang blang," Neville shuffled over to the table, a box in hand.

"Neville's got a rememberall!" Dean piped up.

"Dat wuz duh firs' movie, foo," Neville corrected.

"Yeah, well it was my only freaking line, just give me this!" Dean twitched once, threatening Neville with a fork. "It's not my fault that random fat guy no one knows got all my lines in the third movie!"

"That's true…who WAS that guy!" Harry asked.

"Dats bull, yo. You gots two in da new one," Neville pointed out.

"Shut up Mr. Tormented-About-My-Insane-Parents-Oooo-Look-At-My-Close-Up-Tears," Dean mocked, suddenly in a very bad mood.

"Whatev dawg," Neville shrugged, lifting the lid off the box.

"What is it?" Seamus asked, peering inside. "Please God don't let it be something flammable."

"Naw, but buss dis, I gots me a fly new pet, since Treva kep' pissin' in mah bed," Neville explained, reaching into the box and pulling out his "fly new pet".

"What the hell is that?" Ron asked, squinting.

"Pirate," Neville said simply.

"Pirate?" Hermione raised a brow.

"Word," said Ghetto Neville. He set the new pet down on the tabletop and sat back, crossing is arms over his chest all ghetto-like.

"AVAST YEE SCURVY KURR!" the tiny pirate bellowed, his voice coming out in a comic chipmunk-esque way.

"Holy crap, I think it's Sir Cadogan!" Ron, eyes wide, moved his face closer to the tiny man.

"Sir Cadogan is a knight, Ron, not a pirate," Hermione corrected.

"Same difference," he shrugged, poking at the pirate.

"ARRR, HANDS OFF TH'DUDS, MATEY!" the pirate squeaked, biting Ron on the tip of his finger.

"OW! Damn it Neville, your pirate bit me!" Ron pouted, sucking on his finger.

"Want me to do that for you?" Hermione stared hungrily, her fangs glinting in the candlelight.

"It's broad daylight, why are these lit?" Seamus promptly blew out the candles.

"Wait, didn't you JUST get a monkey a couple of chapters ago?" Ron inquired, keeping his wounded finger as far away from Hermione as possible.

"Snoop has FOUR PARROTS! FOUR! How can I compete?" Neville cried, his eyes wet with tears, so distraught he forgot about being ghetto-fied.

"It's okay Neville," Hermione cooed, petting his head soothingly. "I'll bet Snoop doesn't have his very own vampire!"

Neville turned to stare at Hermione in wonder. "Y-you would b-be my very own v-vampire g-groupie biznitch?" He wiped at the tears now spilling down his cheeks.

"Of course I will. Providing you allow me to feast on your blood…" Hermione was all business now, a fierce glint in her eyes.

Oo -Neville's face.

"I'll…get back to you on that," he said quickly scooping up his pirate and making a mad rush for the door.

"CALL ME!" Hermione called out, looking crestfallen. "They always run," she sighed, tracing circles on the tabletop with a fingertip.

"Well, time for me to be hittin' the ol' dusty trail," Harry announced, getting up from the table and taking a little bow. "Let's just hope I don't get stopped on the way by a mysterious shadowy figure."

Little did Harry know he was about to be stopped by a mysterious shadowy figure.

As Harry entered the conveniently deserted main entrance a mysterious shadowy voice sounded from a mysterious shadowy corner of the mysterious shadowy antechamber. "_Harry Potter_."

Harry wheeled around, looking for the source of the voice. "Who's there? If that's you Brad Pitt, I've had just about enough of your love letters."

"_Listen closely, Potter. I'm going to make you an offer you cannot refuse_."

* * *

ATTENTION EVERYONE: THERE'S A CHUBBY PINK STARFISH ON THE LOOSE!

Oh Spongebob.

Sooooooooo…there it is. I'm waaay too lazy to edit or anything so excuse any mistakes XD

And I don't think I used anyone else's stuff in this one…although this seems odd to me so I probably did. Thank you everyone I stole stuff from. Lol. I'll re-read later and write any acknowledgments.

OH! I found one. Family Guy reference! Yay! "Bout time ...blahblah...dusty trail" ...not the blah blah part, but you get the picture.

I shall also write review responses later. My god, can I get any lazier today? Screw it, this chapter took me forever, I deserve some rest.

Random guy in back: AFTER TAKING 2 YEARS OFF.

STFU random guy.

PS: I changed an important yet tiny detail in Chapter 7 ...first person to guess what it is gets a cherry tree.


End file.
